Politics of Kissing

Friday night was interesting. I had the Young Republican at his bar and Mr. 40+ at "the bar" and I ran back and forth all night. It was killing my ass so I finally decided that I couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore. I went back to the Young Republican and started the conversation that I really thought it was much too early to have. Apparently he'd be doing some thinking about "us" as well. Ultimately he told that he thought we should just be friends because he could NEVER get over the fact that I'm a democrat! You know coming from anyone else I would call bullshit, but coming from him, sadly I know that it was the truth. The guy is serious about his politics.

There were other issues as well, like we don't really have all that much in common. This is true, we don't have much in common and it has been bugging me a little. He also said he had trouble with the fact that I don't own hiking boots and I wear heels all the time. Okay, WTF? So anyway we decided to be friends and that he's an idiot with issues. He admitted that. To paraphrase it was something like, "I know I have issues, I know I'm an idiot but I just don't think I can get over our big differences. I wanted to. I tried to. I really like you. You're hot. I'm more than attracted to you. You're a hell of a kisser, but I'm not dating just to date at this point in my life. I'm dating to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I could never marry a democrat." So there you go, he was looking for a Nancy and I'm so much more a Jackie.

I do find it more than slightly ironic that I got dumped for being a democrat, when anyone who knows me well can tell you that I'm not really all that politically minded. I voted for the first time in the last presidential election and that was only because George W. pissed me off about gay rights. I find politics kind of boring. Oh well it's all for the best. I really am okay with just being friends. I didn't go home and cry into my pillow. I'm just a little disappointed because the physical attraction was something awesome. Damn, I'm gonna miss those lips.

So after our talk, I went back to Mr. 40+, preceded to mainline JagerBombs and went home with him. No, I didn't fuck him. And I think I've decided that I don't want to be with Mr. 40+ either. It just doesn't feel right. So at the moment I'm down to one but I think soon I'll be down to none. I guess it's just feast or famine with me.

I Am the Body Beautiful (?)

Although things have been going pretty well lately, I think I just fell in a sink hole. Last night I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. Off the mall I go with my "I'm Not Really a Waitress" in hand. I get my pedicure then I decide to browse a bit. I bought a cute new sweater and realized that I needed a new clear strap convertible bra. Knowing I won't wear this bra that often I bypass Victoria's Secret and go to the department store. The department store is having a huge sale in the intimate apparel section so I dig a little deeper. Eventually I find a few nightgowns and some bra and panty sets to try on as well. I mean I am spending time with two men so I'm thinking there might be naked time in my future. Gotta be prepared, right?

Into the dressing room I go. The clear strap convertible bra fits, one of the nightgowns is a keeper, then I get to the bra and panty sets. I try on the first one. The bra is really cute and fits well, but from there down it was just a disaster. I wish I could say that the panties were the problem but they weren't. It was me.

In clothes I think I'm cute/sexy/confident. I've worked hard to get to this point and I'm proud of my accomplishment. In clothes that I feel cute in, I could conquer the world. Strip me naked and I just want to hide. Loosing 100+ lbs has done odd things to my body. I don't like it. It's depressing. At this point I was really wishing I had a plastic surgeon on speed dial. There's no way I'm getting naked in front of anyone else. If I find it repulsive, I can't imagine what someone who doesn't love me as much as I do might think. I need to figure out a way to have sex with my clothes on or I don't see it happening ANY time soon...

Fairy Tale High

Okay this might actually be the (second) greatest story ever told. Well it's my new favorite at least.

Friday night CAT was off work so she and I had a "girl's night out". We stopped by a bar earlier in the night to see a friend of hers, stopped by a friend's house and then eventually we ended up at "the bar". I ran into my friend Abby there and we had an interesting little chat about the Young Republican. Apparently he really had tried to call me and I really had given him the wrong number. I assured Abby that it was unintentional. Abby even tried to give him right phone number but at that point the Young Republican wouldn't take it because of Mr. 40+. Abby asked me if I was dating the "old dude" and I told him I hardly consider one date to be dating. Abby left with the promise that he would see what he could do and try to get the Young Republican to call me.

After my conversation with Abby I physically felt ill. I wanted to throw up and my hand was shaking. I gave CAT a recap of the conversation with Abby. She suggested I walk across the street to the bar the Young Republican frequents. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to see if he was there, but I didn't want to go running after him not knowing really where I stood. CAT offers to go over there and check things out for me. I agree and off she goes. Less than 15 minutes later the Young Republican is standing in front of me smiling.

My new favorite story is about what transpired between CAT and the Young Republican while I was at "the bar". Here goes....

CAT walks into the crowded bar and starts scanning the room. She walks around searching the crowd to see if he's there. She makes a few passes and not seeing him, decides to come back to "the bar". As she's making her way towards the door, someone pokes her in the side. She turns and seeing who it is says "Hey!". First words out of his mouth are "I tried to call her." CAT responds by telling him that I know he tried to call and I accidentally gave him the wrong number because I was drunk and it wasn't intentional. Then she tells him that she knows where I am. He asks where. She tells him across the street. He asks, "I should go?". CAT tells him he should go. Then she said he practically ran out the door.

After he found me, we spent some time getting to know each other a little better. We talked and kissed until 6:30 Saturday morning. As he was leaving he promised to call me Monday which he did. So that's where I am with the Young Republican. I'm still chatting with Mr. 40+ but I haven't seen him in a week. Oh and I'm not any closer to figuring out what I'm doing with either one of them.

Kiss the Girl

I've been hanging out with Mr. 40+ a good bit this week because he was actually off work and in town. I even went to his house Tuesday for dinner. It was an intimate gathering of friends so it wasn't really romantic or anything. And it certainly wasn't romantic when I topped off the night in the bathroom with my head in the toilet. Apparently it isn't just RED wine, it's ALL wine. So yep I got trashed and threw up on our "second" date. I'm classy all right. Somehow he even found my drunk, sick ass charming. Go figure.

Mr. 40+ is a wonderful man. He's funny, smart, successful, kind, generous, open-minded, handsome, honest and domesticated. He's great on paper. He's everything I've ever said that I wanted. He's damn near perfect, except for one teeny, tiny little thing. When he kisses me it's nice, but that's about it. Shouldn't you get a little hot and bothered when a guy you like kisses you? And I do like him, I'd be crazy not to.

I mean my God, when the Young Republican kissed me I just wanted more. We were wet (from the rain, get your mind out of the gutter!), my hair kept getting in the way, sometimes we'd bump teeth, but we didn't care. It was like we literally couldn't get enough. Hell, my ears are getting a little hot just thinking about it now.

And I know that it was most likely lust in the driver's seat with the Young Republican. And I know lust fades and isn't grounds to build a relationship. Besides he hasn't called either. But I can't help but be slightly worried that the most I can say when Mr. 40+ kisses me is that it was nice. I guess what I'm really saying is that I'm not ready to write either one of them off just yet.

Especially since I ran into the Young Republican's friend last night and he told me (without me asking) the YR tried to call me Sunday but the number I gave him didn't work. Could be bullshit, could be not (we were both drunk, so it's hard to say). So instead of giving his friend the right number, I asked him to tell the YR that I was sorry about the number, it wasn't intentional and that if he was interested he should come find me and we'd try it again. Damn, I hope he finds me. Unfortunately I'm not any less confused than before.

Land of Confusion

Even though last week was kind of crappy, I had one thing that I was looking forward to. Mr. 40+ was finally coming home after being gone for 2 weeks and he wanted to see me. He didn't get in until almost midnight Friday but instead of taking his tired ass home, he came out to the bar to see me. When he showed up where was I? Not where I should have been.

I came out to the bar earlier and ordered a glass of red wine (mistake #1). I was sitting there talking to Tommy Lee when some other friends convinced us to go to this other bar with them. So off we go. When we get there one of my friends orders me a glass of red wine and when I finish that one, another (mistakes #2 & #3). I'm tipsy when Tommy and I leave this bar to go back to our bar. CAT has kept my half glass of wine from earlier behind the bar and gives it to me when we come back in. As I near the bottom of this glass, Tommy Lee has her fill it up again (mistake #4).

Now on my fourth glass of red wine, my friend Abby comes in with some of his friends, one of which is the Young Republican. I've met the Young Republican a few times and for some reason think he's pretty foxy. The Young Republican actually starts to flirt with me a little. I'm a flirt so I flirt back. After I finish my wine, the guys ask me to go across the street with them to another bar. I go. Someone buys me yet another glass of red wine (mistake #5). The Young Republican and I sit and talk. It becomes pretty clear that he's interested and I tell him that I actually have to meet someone else later on. He keeps telling me to go and be with Mr. 40+ and I know I need to and I want to see him, but also I'm pretty happy being with the Young Republican too. Eventually I leave and go meet Mr. 40+.

I'm sitting there talking to Mr. 40+ in "the bar" and in walks the Young Republican. He comes up to me and refuses to leave until I give him my number. I'm drunk and admittedly not thinking clearly and I give him a number in plain sight of Mr. 40+. Yes, I know it was tacky and I feel horrible about it but I honestly just didn't know what else to do. After he gets my number he leaves. Mr. 40+ and I hang for a while longer and then he decides to head home.

As soon as Mr. 40+ had a 5 minute head start I went straight back over to the other bar where the Young Republican was. I know, really dumb move. He tells me how glad he is that I came back and we sit a talk. Eventually he leans in and kisses me (and no I'm not talking tongue here). Um, okay that was nice. Then he kisses me again very softly on the lips. At this point I'm a puddle of goo. He asked me to step outside because it was pretty obvious to both of us that we were totally going to do that again and neither one of us wanted it to happen in front of everyone. We go outside, it's cold, it's raining, but neither of us seem to care. We stand against the building and kiss for what seems like hours. He tells me I'm beautiful. He wants me to pick him instead of Mr. 40+. He's even perceptive enough to realize that I'm having a difficult time being here with him when I was just with Mr. 40+ (I don't juggle). I couldn't tell you the last time someone kissed me and there were fireworks, but Friday night I felt them. It was all so "An Affair To Remember" that I think I got a little too caught up in it.

CAT came to get me when she got off work so she could drive me home. I was still standing outside with the Young Republican with way too much PDA going on. I told him I had to go. He offered to take me home. I declined. He promised he be a "good boy". Again I declined. He let me go and told me he'd call the next day. I go home with CAT with stars in my eyes.

I wake up Saturday morning with a hangover. Mr. 40+ calls and confirms dinner that night. I get no call from the Young Republican. I know I should totally just chalk it up to: he saw a drunk girl that he found attractive and wanted to see if he could get some ass, but I can't stop thinking about him or that kiss. I had a great time on my date with Mr. 40+ which of course made me feel even more guilty that I couldn't get the Young Republican out of my head. I'm feeling like a complete nut job today. And I don't like it. Somehow I've just ended up feeling badly about all of this. God, I'm so not a playa.

I'd also like to give a shout out to Lizardbreath. I'm glad to know you're still reading and it's good to hear from you once in a while. I hope you and Kimmie are well.

Pain in My Heart

I know I can only be responsible for myself and my own actions. What I can't quite figure out is how to keep the actions and decisions of those I care about from affecting me. I guess logically it shouldn't. Unfortunately my emotions aren't usually logical. Actually I'm not sure emotions can be logical. Isn't that what makes them emotions?

I care a great deal about what happens to the people I love. I want to right their wrongs. I want to take away their pain. I want to save them from dangers. I want to fix everything that is broken. More often than not, I can't. Even though I know everyone is responsible for themselves, I can't help but feel that I've failed in some way. When I can't right their wrongs, take away the pain, keep them from harm or fix what's broken, it isn't they who have failed, but myself. Failed them as a friend, failed as a protector, failed as a person.

Someone once told me that caring so deeply is a gift. It's also a burden. I cry when they shed tears. I hurt when they hurt. I loose sleep worrying for them and about them. Their failures are my failures. All of this weighs so heavily upon me at times that I wish I could just be numb to it. Wish I didn't care so much. Wish I could just look out for numero uno. All of the worry and protecting wears me down sometimes. I just wish I could close my eyes have a dreamless worry-free sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Roller Skating Child

Here's one for the history books...

I've been in a not great mood for the last few days. I think it's been a combination of work, personal shit and the weather. Anyways in an effort to lift me out of my funk CAT suggested we get out of the house and do something low key and cheesy. We decided on bowling. Bowling is not something I do on a regular basis but it's fun if you're with a good group of people. We get to the bowling alley and discover it's league night and all the lanes are taken.

Not to be defeated CAT comes up with another plan. Apparently there's a roller skating rink just down the road so off we go. Yep, for the first time in at least 15 years I went roller skating last night. And I sucked but that's okay, 'cause at least I got out there. And I did end up having fun even after busting my ass twice. I wasn't a terribly good skater as a child so you can imagine what it was like last night. There was a five year old kid who could skate better than me. But hey I just got out there and went with the flow.

Designer Love

Okay admitting it is the first step. I have an addiction. To a reality TV show. I never thought it would happen to me. I mean there was that one time that I dabbled in Joe Millionaire (purely recreational), but it was never a serious habit. I think we're now talking full on addiction. I'm obsessed with Project Runway. I love it so much, I will watch the same episode over and over and over again. I watched last night's episode 3 times!

I love to watch these talented and sometimes crazy people come up with this shit on the fly. Sometimes they kick ass and sometimes they don't but it's always interesting. Plus I have become completely smitten with one designer in particular. I want him to be my boyfriend (and yes I know he's gay). I don't just love him because he's cute, or hip, or completely stylish in his own unique way. I also love him because he comes up with some beautiful designs and he's so talented. I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. He's won more challenges than any of the other designers. I so hope he wins because he's just awesome. See I'm a full blown addict. God, I don't know what I'm going to do when I can't watch my new designer drug every week...

Chained and Bound

Well I went against all "the rules" and called Mr. 40+ last night. I'm glad that I did. He seemed really happy and surprised to hear from me. I initially called him for a "quick chat" but instead we talked for an hour and a half. Again completely ignoring "the rules" per conversation length. About the only "rule" I did follow was I was the one to break off the conversation. Fuck "the rules"! I got a date by following my gut.

He's going to cook dinner for me next weekend. This weekend he'll be with his kids. I'm still not really sure how I feel about seeing someone with kids, but what can you do? I'm using the term kids here loosely by the way, because I know his daughter is 20 and I'm guessing his son is just a few years younger. I'm not sure if the fact that they're older makes things better or worse.

In other news I think things with Tommy Lee are getting a little strange. Saturday night I went over to the studio with him so he could show me a new poster he'd had made up for some of the upcoming shows. As we're walking back over to the bar he grabs my hand. I jokingly said, "God, you so love me." He responded by saying, "sad thing is, that I do." Um, okay.

Monday night I stop by the bar to have a drink. It had just been one of those days. While I'm sitting there Tommy Lee comes in. I decide to have one more drink while I chat with him, then I'm going home. He asks me to play pool. We play. I finish my second drink and switch to water. Suddenly another martini appears in front of me. Tommy bought me a drink. I told him I'd drink it but I didn't want anymore after that. Five martinis later I'm drunk (Tommy never has been a good listener).

I can't drive home. I won't let him drive me home, because well, he can't drive stone cold sober and he has no license, so he takes me over to the studio. When we get there, Tommy finds me a pillow and some blankets then tucks me in on the couch. He sits on the floor and talks to me until I fall asleep. I wake up the next morning wrapped up in him. He's constantly surprising me and I think it's kind of sweet that he took care of my drunk ass. Although he did have a fairly good point; that he was somewhat responsible for my drunken state. It's an odd friendship but it seems to work for us. My only problem is that most people don't understand it.

I'm guessing pretty much everyone in that bar thinks we went over to the studio and fucked. I honestly don't care what they think but I could potentially see this making things sticky for me where Mr. 40+ is concerned. I'm thinking if I've got a snowball's chance in hell of making a go of things with Mr. 40+, I'm going to have to tone things down a bit with Tommy Lee. Not stop hanging out with him because he is my friend and I don't give up friends for anyone, but I think we need a few boundaries. I've got a feeling Tommy's not very good with boundaries...