Sugar Daddy

Well tonight is the night. Tonight I'm meeting the Sugar Daddy for drinks to tell him that he needs to back off. The Sugar Daddy is a an older (44) guy that I met at, you guessed it, the bar. He's always been really, really nice to me. Buying me an occasional drink here and there, offering pleasant conversation, etc. Honestly for the longest time I thought he was gay (he was always a little too observant of what I was wearing) until he made it known about two weeks ago that he was interested in me. Apparently he was just biding his time until I was done with Tommy Lee.

I ran into him last Thursday at the bar. He came over and we began to chat. Later in the evening he asked me about the Tommy Lee situation and I told him it was over and that I'd given the skull ring back. Then Sugar Daddy asked me if I'd like to go to dinner sometime. I, thinking accepting a dinner invitation was harmless, agreed. Before I left the bar that night I gave him my number. He's called me every day, sometimes multiple times a day since. It's just too much and it's freaking me out.

So tonight I have to tell him that because he's acted like a wacko that I'm not going to go to dinner with him ever. In my eyes, dinner is just dinner. In his it's more like we're engaged or something. The thought of having this conversation with him tonight literally makes me nauseas. I don't handle these situations very well. I don't want to hurt his feelings but he's making me uncomfortable. I'm going to do my best to let him down gently to spare his feelings and also because I'm a little afraid he's psycho. Wish me luck.

On a side note I saw Chunky Thursday night but never got a chance to talk to him because Sugar Daddy was in my grill all night. All I got was a smile and a wave. Damn.

I've Got a Crush on You

I think I have a crush on the chunky guitar player. It's so not a good idea but I can't help it. Every time I think about him it makes me smile. I've been smiling a lot lately.

Get In the Ring

The saga continues...

It was payday at the bar so CAT and I went by there to pick up her check. We were sitting there talking to some regulars when Tommy Lee comes strolling in. I could tell that he honestly debated about turning around and leaving when he saw me. Instead he took a seat as far away from me as he could, kept his sunglasses on, hide behind a newspaper and talked to everyone but me. At this point I really couldn't help but wonder what in the hell I did to make him act like this. And you know, the only answer I could come up with was "abso-fuckin'-lutely nothing".

These were his issues, not mine. I was acting like an adult. He wasn't. I'll be damned if I'm going to bury my head in the sand. I'm determined that things are not going to be weird between us. Things are over but they don't have to be awkward. We never really got all that involved anyway so for once in my life I really don't see any reason that we can't be friends.

So anyway, a little later the guy sitting next to Tommy leaves. I sit where I am for about 10 minutes before I move to the stool next to him. We sit there for roughly 5 minutes before he actually says anything to me. I'm making him nervous and he finally makes some lame ass joke to break the ice. After a few minutes we're talking somewhat normally. I know things will never be like they were, but I'm just hoping we can find some level of comfort and normality around each other since I'll continue to bump into him.

After a while he goes to get something out of his truck. While he's gone I get the skull ring out of my purse and lay it on the bar in front of where he was sitting. He comes back in, sits down, shows the bartender a flier for the band and appears not to notice the ring. After a few minutes he says something about it laying on the bar. I told him that I thought he would want it back. Then he starts ragging on the ring. Calling it a gumball machine piece of crap, or something to that effect. I said that since I'd never seen that gumball machine piece of crap off his finger until he gave it to me, I thought he should have it back. He held it for a while and I finally asked if he were going to put it on. He said no that it looked like it had been tainted and had a look of shame about it now. Then he threw the damned thing in the tip jar and we continued to sit there and chat for a little longer. Then he left.

I don't know what the whole skull ring thing was about. I was just trying to be nice and give it back. Well and to make it clear that whatever we'd been doing that was above and beyond friends was now officially over. I can't decide if he was pissed because I gave it back, if he was pissed because he gave it to me in the first place or he was pissed at himself because he fucked up. I guess I'll never really know...

Naughty Girl

Well Tommy Lee totally flaked on me, which I knew he would. I just didn't know he would be such a jack ass about it. His band was playing at the bar Friday night and I went. I got a kiss on the forehead 15 minutes after I got there. A few shoulder squeezes as he breezed past me during their 2 breaks. After the show he sat with the band at a table, which was fine but he could've made some effort. I cornered him on his way back from the bathroom to ask him if he planned on ignoring me for the entire night. He claimed he was just preoccupied. I begged to differ. We walk back to the bar and he talks to me for maybe 10 minutes. Then the next thing I know he grabbed his crap and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. I was pissed. I didn't think that after I slept with him that we were committed or even boyfriend and girlfriend, but I did think we were at least friends. In my opinion that's not how you treat your friends.

So even though it wasn't exactly how I would have chosen for this relationship, for lack of a better word, to come to a close, it was a means to an end. I knew I had to break off whatever was going on between us because it just wasn't a good idea to continue with things. When the words probation, violation and jail started popping up, I got a little nervous. Dating Tommy Lee was fun in theory, but I'm just too much of a good girl to really deal with all of his problems, even if there is a really decent guy underneath all the tattoos and piercing.

My feelings were a little hurt by his behavior Friday night, but aside from the hurt I was pissed off. Where did that punk ass get off thinking he could ignore me? Well I wasn't about to let him off that easy. I marched my ass over to the studio and banged on the door. I stood there and banged again. I never got an answer. I don't know if he was hiding, passed out or just not there.

I walked back over to the bar and discovered during my absence a group of people had to decided to go to another bar in town. My roommate and ride included. I've only been to this particular bar twice and I've hated it both times. It's just creepy and redneck. I grudgingly agree to go because CAT had come to babysit me earlier in the night and it just didn't seem fair for me to refuse to go with her to the other bar. I did request that we not stay terribly long since I was in a foul ass mood.

We caravan over to the other bar. It's as redneck as I remember. After a few minutes of walking around, CAT and I run into a guy we used to work with. He and his friend are hanging out and his friend is really, really cute. I'm talking straight up adorable. I've seen him before because we have several mutual friends but I've never actually talked to him. Turns out he's funny, smart and sweet. He can also sing, play guitar, is well traveled and a bit on the chunky side. So far this guy is batting pretty high. Oh and he called me beautiful, so there goes one more point to the Chunky guitar player. Suddenly my night is looking up. Way up.

To make a long story short, the guy I used to work with is pretty drunk and Chunky rode with him. Chunky is hell bent on leaving the bar (fine by me) but doesn't want to remove himself from my company just yet. The four of us decide to go back to our house, since it's just a few miles away, and hang out. Chunky and I eventually end up in my room and make out for what seems like hours, until we finally drift off. I'm in a much better mood by this point, even if I am feeling a little slutty. It was kind of nice waking up all wrapped up in a cute, chunky man. When they left the next morning, Chunky said he'd be in touch. I'm doubting it will happen, but I'm sure I'll run into him again in the future. But even if I don't it certainly got me over the whole Tommy Lee incident pretty quickly, and that is a very good thing.

Like a Rolling Stone

In a very Mary Catherine Gallagher move, I have complied a blog entry made up entirely of Rolling Stones lyrics that best express the weird ass mood I'm in. My only excuse for this display is that I was listening to them last night, loving them is one of the few things Tommy Lee and I have in common and when put in the correct order pretty well sums this catastrophe up. And now for your distinct displeasure...

Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
There's one thing baby
That I don't understand
You keep on telling me
I ain't your kind of man
So don't play with me, cause you're playing with fire
Well you've got no money and I've got no charm
While you're in a panic, I stay so calm
Well I was just out there to have some fun
But it's easier said than done
I ain't going to keep it long, baby
But just long, long enough
You say you're honest but love is for thieves
All the dreams we held so close
Seem to all go up in smoke
I hate that sadness in your eyes
Ain't it time we said good-bye?
I know I dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
As I stand by your flame
I get burned once again
Love is a bed full of blues
Won't drag you down with abuse
In the silk sheet of time
I will find peace of mind

Lyrics pilfered from: Beast of Burden, Angie, Stealing my Heart, Play with Fire, Wild Horses, I've Got the Blues and Losing my Touch.

Karma Chameleon

As I mentioned in my last post, Karma is fucking with me. First I attempt to have sex for the first time in quite some time and it sucked. Then I get an email from my ex boyfriend whom I haven't spoken to in years, for very good reasons. Now another ghost of boys past has popped up.

Yesterday my roommate CAT took some film to our friendly 1 hour photo lab. I decided to tag along and take a roll of film that I'd found when I moved. I have no idea what's on the roll, how long it's been lurking, or even if it's mine. Sometimes those mystery rolls can hold some fun surprises. We drop off the film, run a few more errands and return a little over an hour later.

When I'm given my pictures the chick behind the counter asks me if I would like to look through them and see if I'd actually like to keep them or not. Apparently they didn't turn out very well because 1) the film was old, or 2) it had gotten hot at some point. I'm thinking both are extremely likely.

I begin flipping through the pictures and they were from college. There are several of me and various friends doing various retarded and juvenile things. There is my old college apartment, my old college roommate, my old college ass. Then towards the end of the roll I come to a photo and I stop, completely shocked. Sitting in a chair in my old apartment is one of the bigger regrets of my college career.

Michael was guy in my English class junior year. I had a mad crush on him. I'm pretty sure he had a mad crush on me. Both of us were too shy to do anything about it. Besides he was getting ready to graduate and move away. So I did nothing. I have often wondered over the years what might have happened if I'd just opened my mouth and said something. Said anything thing about how I felt. But I'll never know.

I finally got to the point where I didn't really wonder anymore, because what did that accomplish? I'd pushed him out of my mind, save for the very rare occasion. Now all of a sudden there he is looking back at me. I didn't even know I had taken a picture of him, but I'm holding the proof in my hands. I decide to pay for the crappy pictures because, well for some reason I think I should.

I can't help but wonder if the these ghosts of boys past are a sign of some sort. I'll be damned if I know what they're trying to tell me though.

World Gone Wrong

*Warning this entry may contain more information than you care to know. Nothing is very detailed or graphic in nature, but proceed at your own risk*

I'm not really sure where to begin. There are so many things swirling around in my head that it's hard for me to organize my thoughts. I guess I should just try to begin at the beginning.

I didn't break things off with Tommy Lee as I had planned to. A discussion was had. Boundaries were set forth. Agreements were made. All I can say is that I was satisfied with how the situation turned out. I have no preconceived notion that this is actually going anywhere but I like spending time with him. I don't think that's a bad thing as long as everyone is clear about the situation and on board.

Saw him Monday a week ago. Had fun as usual. We left the bar together and apparently some kind of lurid comment was made. He made me go back into the bar with him and made me sit there for 5 minutes so he could be seen leaving without me. That was kind of sweet although he could've stopped the gossip then and there if he'd just said that we weren't sleeping together.

Saw him Friday night. He was acting kind of odd, but I attributed it to the fact that they had a photo shoot scheduled that night and things weren't going according to plan. After the photo shoot, he's still acting kind of strange. I'm sitting there talking to his friend and all of sudden Tommy Lee just gets up and leaves. Doesn't say anything to anyone. I sit there for awhile and after about 30 minutes I decide to go look for him. I run into him in the alley heading back to the bar. He takes me back inside.

We hang out for a while then he launches into this "I'm nothing but trouble for you. You should just stay away from me. All I'm going to do is disappoint you and make you hate me. Blah, Blah, Blah" What the fuck dude? Then he tells me that when he left earlier he wasn't going to come back. When I asked him why he would do that, he said that he didn't want to have to be honest with me about things. So I sit there for almost 45 minutes while he tells why it's not a good idea to get involved with him romantically. That we should just be friends because if we sleep together then I'll eventually hate him and he just can't stand the thought of me hating him. That he just can't have a girlfriend right now. It's just not possible. And that he should've kept his mouth shut because he's just screwed up the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. (Okay, can we say bi polar?)

What do I do? Inform him that he really likes me and he's just scared (which he completely admits to). Tell him I don't remember asking to be his girlfriend but since he keeps telling me over and over again that he can't have one, I'm left to wonder who he's trying to convenience, me or him. And that I've never considered him long term relationship material but I enjoy his company when he's not being a spaz. Then I make him buy me a few shots and sleep with him anyway (I'd already had made up my mind, Friday night was the night and it's pretty damned hard to dissuade me when my mind is made up). And the sex was not good. In fact I'm not entirely sure we actually had sex. Note to self, Tommy Lee is not at his best after a night of drinking and logistically a 6'3" man on a 3 foot love seat is never a good fit.

I want to leave after the disaster has subsided but he won't let me. He needs to be held. Okay when did I become the guy in this situation? So I hold him, (WTF) and doze off for about an hour and a half. I wake up and decide to leave so I can get a decent night sleep, because it just isn't happening with both of us on a three foot love seat. So I crawl out from under him and begin collecting clothes. Shoes, check. Bra, check. Shirt, check. Purse, check. Pants....okay they have to be around there somewhere. Surely they're just under this blanket. Okay they aren't under the blanket. Nope, not on the drum kit. What's that on the speaker? Oh those are his pants. Maybe they're behind the love seat. Not there either. Damn it, I can't leave without pants!

So I'm trapped with a snoring, naked Tommy Lee and no pants. I have no choice but to crawl back on the love seat with him and try and get some sleep. I doze off and on for a few hours. Somewhere around 7:30 I hear the faint strains of music coming from next door. I think fleetingly that his friend, we'll call him Vince, has an upholstery shop next door. Maybe I should wake him and ask. While I'm thinking of a way to wake him, I fall back asleep. The next thing I know, I'm jolted awake by the sound of a key in the lock. I have enough time to yell "fuck" as I pull the sleeping bag over my head and ass (still haven't found my pants). Tommy Lee is scrambling to cover his bits and pieces as Vince walks through the door.

Vince comes in and starts talking to Tommy as he's looking for something in the back. It was dark in the studio but I fail to see how Vince wouldn't notice that the lump on the love seat was much bigger than it should have been. Tommy swears he didn't even look over at us but I'm not buying it. My head was covered and my ass was covered, but other than that I'm not sure what was sticking out. After Vince leaves we start throwing clothes on in a hurry. Tommy finds my pants in love seat. He'd been sleeping on them. Then we make sure the coast is clear and sneak over to my car. He kisses me, bums a cigarette, kisses me again and walks off.

I haven't talked to him since and I know he's going to be weird about the whole thing. In fact I completely expect him to avoid me for as long as he possibly can. Oddly enough I'm okay with that. I was ready and it was time. Enough said. Besides, he'll come around. He always does. And I should at least get a decent night of sex out of this whole thing. He owes me that much for putting up with his bullshit.

Now here comes the really fucked up part. This morning I get to work and open my personal email. I see a name in the in box. I blink hard, hoping I'm just seeing things. Nope, there's my ex boyfriend's name, bold as brass. I haven't spoken to him in years. This is the guy that ripped my heart out of my chest, drove spikes through it, ran over it, set it on fire, put it in a blender and hit frappe, then gave it back to me and repeated the entire process about three more times. He left me an utter mess and it's taken me years to get past some of that shit. Now when I'm finally right there, it's like he knows and decides to "drop me a line". Here's the email for your viewing pleasure.

Sitting here messing around the internet and saw your name so I thought I'd see how life was. Hope all is well, hate I could not make the class reunion, but (old high school friend) said he saw you thier. I am doing well serving in the army, station in Hawaii so I guess it could be alot worse. anyway just wanted to say hey. take care and write back if you ever get a chance. Later Jackass who broke your heart (okay so I added that last bit)

Needless to say spelling and grammar were never his strong suits. Yet another reason why it wouldn't have worked out in the end, but I digress.

What the fuck is this about? I know for a fact that he got married a few years back and they spit out a kid, yet no mention of wife or kid. I'm just dumbfounded. I thought I made it pretty clear back in college that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and for years it seemed he understood that. Now I guess he thinks that enough time has passed that we can be pen pals. Yeah I don't think so Bubba. It's like he knew, somehow that I was sleeping with someone else so he just had to write and fuck with my head. I don't know what to think other than Karma has a twisted sense of humor where I'm concerned. Now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I should write him back or just ignore it completely. Damn my life just got messy.

Dr. Feelgood

I've been sick this week with some kind of cold/infection. I sound like shit. I feel like shit. All I want to do is sleep and the doctor really didn't even give me good drugs. Why can't I have the cough syrup with codeine? Also I was supposed to hang out with Tommy Lee Wednesday but couldn't because I was too exhausted to tie my shoes. OH and the antibiotics I'm on are fucking with my birth control which is always fun. Fuck, I hate being sick.

Skull Ring (part two)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen this is the one, the only skull ring. I couldn't bear to keep it's fantastic-ness all to myself so I'm sharing it with you. Please note the intricate detail, the gleam of this metal like surface, the adjustable band. It is quite the token and it's mine, all mine (well at least until I see him again and give it back).

Driving Me to Drink

Okay here's a recap of what's going on in my life these days.

- Tommy Lee told me he'd call me last Friday. I haven't seen or heard from him since Thursday night.

- Got sensationally drunk Tuesday night off dirty martinis because I was so pissed at Mr. Lee

- Spent late Tuesday night with my head in a trash can puking up olives and popcorn.

- Gained a little mental clarity while my head was in said trash can. I don't think things are going to work out for me and Tommy. He's too damned flaky and I'm not. When you tell me you'll do something I kind of expect you to do it. I like him and if we keep "dating" I don't think I will in the end.

- Spent Wednesday piled up on the couch watching really crappy daytime television and napping.

- Stopped by the bar while out searching for gas last night. Tommy was at the studio across the ally rehearsing. Didn't see him. Saw cute bartender boy instead.

- Woke up to sound of dogs fighting the in front yard at 4:30 this morning. Got up to investigate. Found cute bartender boy passed out on the couch.

- Kept hoping cute bartender boy would get lost on the way to the bathroom and end up in my room instead. (Didn't happen)

- Had to wake cute bartender boy and kick him out of the house on my way to work this morning. Realized after it took several attempts to wake him that I could've had my way with him this morning and he'd never have known.

So there you have the "days of my life". I know many of you are enjoying the Tommy Lee saga and I hate to disappoint, but he's annoying the shit out of me. I have fun when I'm with him but once I get out of sight he seems to forget I exist. That doesn't work for me. I need a man who can pick up a fucking phone when he says he will. I'll keep you posted on any new developments.