Crazy Train

I don't really have time to go into the details right now but suffice to say this girl is nuts. Things have gone from bad to nightmarish hell. More phone calls, her randomly showing up at the Big Bad Wolf's house, a failed suicide attempt and a hospital visit later I think it's safe to say that I'm out. I don't need this drama and I don't deserve it. I hate that I ever got sucked into all this crazy bullshit.

The one good thing I can say is that it's totally taken my mind off turning 30. I haven't cried once about it. In fact I'm just happy to be here for these past 30 years.

Your Cheating Heart

I think I have the complete opposite of the Midas touch. Everything I seem to touch just turns to shit. I've managed to be some what drama free for the last few weeks and now drama has come knocking with a battling ram.

The Big Bad Wolf's ex-girlfriend has waged a war against me. I've gotten text messages, phone calls, nasty voicemails and even a page on MySpace. I've been labeled a home wrecking whore. Do I frankly care? Not really. Sticks and stones...

Unfortunately some rather unsavory facts about the Big Bad Wolf himself have surfaced in the process. The words serial cheater are still lingering on my voicemail. I didn't take a pissed off ex-girlfriend's words at face value so I asked him about it and got some conformation. Apparently he hasn't cheated on EVERY girlfriend he's had as she claimed, but he's cheated a fair amount. Now that's something that warms the cockles of my heart.

At this point I don't know what to think or to believe. I want to think he's sincere when he says the things that he does, but now everything seems suspect. Apparently he has an M.O. and he's been using it on me since day one. When we didn't see each other for the week of Thanksgiving break, he'd send me text messages telling me how much he missed me and how he wished he were with me. Yeah I'm nothing special because that seems to be one of his "things" according to the MySpace page. As does sending flowers when he's in trouble. I swear if I get flowers I'll scream, but I probably don't even warrant flowers at this point.

Not only do I not know if I can trust him, I don't even know if I can trust myself anymore. I used to think that I was a good judge of character but I fucking screwed the pooch on this one. My words from earlier posts are coming back to haunt me. How excited I was and how this time it felt so different. Turns out it wasn't any different. It was the same old shit just gift wrapped in pretty paper with a bow. God, I'm a fucking idiot.

I haven't completely closed the door on this one, but I just don't see how things can work. This is no kind of way to begin a relationship. The trust is gone and I'm suspicious of everything now. I hate being that girl and I doubt I'll be her for very long.

So here I am, 3 days away from my 30th birthday and the thing that I was so excited about has literally gone from sugar to shit at mach speed. It's getting harder every day to believe that I will find love with a man who actually deserves it.

Happy Together

I am so completely freaked out right now. This thing with the Big Bad Wolf just feels so different than any other relationship, semi-relationship or quasi-relationship I've ever had. I'm so unbelievably happy when I'm with him. He actually takes me out once in a while. Yes like a real date. We have great chemistry, which apparently we haven't been able to hide from pretty much anyone. He makes me laugh. He's smart. He's incredibly sweet. Oh God, I really, really like him.

Learning to Fly

Little did I know as I was writing my post Saturday that the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend was in the process of moving out. They broke up. Saturday night he called me and wanted to hang out but I was busy (watching movies at the New Yankee's house, hello we're just friends). I politely declined.

Sunday he was making dinner and invited me over. I knew I shouldn't go over there but I really, really wanted to and I just couldn't resist. I went for dinner and had a great time. We hung out in the kitchen drinking beer while he finished up dinner, then we ate and watched a movie. After the movie it finally happened. He kissed me. And I kissed him back and we literally kissed for an hour. It was great and dinner was pretty good too. I finally went home and fell into bed.

Things were a bit awkward in class yesterday but not horribly so. We managed to get through it it with some jokes and sly smiles. We walked to our cars last night and he asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I said okay and we each went home to wash the kitchen smells off. He came over and we hung out for a bit then went to grab a few beers. Then we came back to my apartment and we made out for like an hour and a half. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Like I said before I been waiting for this to happen for such a long time and never really thought it would.

I have no problem what so ever talking to him and we have a great deal in common. I think that's a good thing. Plus he's the kind of guy that I've always kind of imaged myself with. In short I like him a lot. A lot, a lot and that scares the crap out of me. Any time I really like someone it just seems to crash and burn, horribly. Plus the whole I just broke up with my girlfriend freaks me out too. I just feel like it's too soon for he and I to be seeing each other but it's happened now and there's not a lot I can do about it. But I don't pretend that I'm the only reason the Big Bad Wolf and his girlfriend broke up. They were obviously having problems anyway because who in their right mind would break up with someone they were serious enough about to live with for me? That's crazy.

Anyway I'm excited and scared all at the same time but not so scared that I'm not going to move forward with him. I honestly don't see that I have any other option. I like him too much not to try. I just hope this crush doesn't turn into a crash because if it does I have a feeling this one might put me in traction...

You Give Love a Bad Name

Well lots of new developments on the Big Bad Wolf front. He and his girlfriend are having problems. Apparently they've been fighting all week and B.B.W. made the comment that he might be joining the ranks of the single again. I feel like a complete bitch though, cause I'm so not upset that they might break up. Sadly part of me is egging him on. I'm such a bad person...

I had car trouble this week so the Big Bad Wolf had to pick me up and drop me off for school two days in a row. The first night he asked if he could come in and use the bathroom. I let him in. Then we stood there in very awkward conversation for a few minutes. I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he didn't. Finally I told him to go home, so he did.

The next night he decided he needed to walk me to my door. So when we got to the door, more awkward silence so to break it I invite him in. We stand around for several more minutes, more awkward chit-chat. Finally he says he needs to leave so I walk him out. More long minutes of awkward chatter then it happens. He puts his hands around my waist and leans in. I stop him and tell him to go home.

It almost killed me. God, the look on his face was awful. I explained that it wasn't that I didn't want him to kiss me but he had a girlfriend. I also told him that I didn't know what was going on between him and his girlfriend but for both of our sake I was trying to stay out of it and not complicate things any more for him until he figured out what he wanted. He finally left and I wanted to smack myself in the head. He tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let him. I've been hoping for this moment for weeks and then it presents it's self and I push him away. Damn it why do I have to have good moral fiber? This guy has made me all kinds of bajigity and I don't like it!