Goodbye to You

I'm back in Alabama for a few days saying my last good-byes and tying up a few loose ends. I won't be coming back for quiet some time once school starts. I find it kind of fitting that I came back when I did because I realized that Saturday was the one year anniversary of my first date with Tommy Lee. When I go back and read my blog entries from that time, it's pretty surreal. I never thought by accepting that dinner invitation that I would end up where I am now. And for all intents and purposes, where I am isn't too bad.

Before Tommy, I was scared to death of getting my heart broken, to the point of not dating at all. I'm still not sure what made me say yes to him because he wasn't anything like what I was looking for. I'm so glad that I listened to the voice in my head and said yes. For all the bad things that may have come about or however crappy the situation made me feel at times, I think all in all he was good for me. Believe it or not, he taught me a lot about myself. One of the most important things being, that I did get my heart broken and I'm still alive and kicking. I will live to love another day.

I know Tommy and I are at a point where we're friends again, but I can't help but feel like when I leave here tomorrow that I'm closing that chapter of my life. I'm not saying that when I leave I will stop missing him or thinking of him, because I won't. I think I will carry him with me always because he has meant so much to me, but things are never going to be the same. I still don't think he's completely forgiven me for leaving and maybe I can't quiet forgive him for not loving me enough to make me want to stay. As someone very wise once said, "it is what it is", and Tommy and I certainly can't be more than that.

I thought it was only fitting to include this photo of Tommy and me during happier days. This is my favorite picture of the two of us because it isn't staged, we aren't posing. We didn't even know anyone was taking our picture. I think it's a tender moment we're sharing that someone just happened to capture. And I'm so glad that they did.

Free Fallin'

Today I've felt a mix of nerves and excitement. I can't say it's a pleasant sensation for me but I think it's one I'm going to have to get used to considering the turn my life is about to take. I'm starting to get a bit nervous and frankly a little scared about all the changes that are about to happen. I'm going back to school at the ripe old age of (almost) 30 to (hopefully) begin a new career as, well, I don't know yet.

I guess I'm starting to get a bit freaked out at this vast undertaking. I can't claim to be a big risk taker, cause I'm not, and I think this is possibly the biggest and most expensive risk I've ever taken. On the one hand, I think this is a good thing because I hope it will allow me to be truly happy in my career, but on the other I'm terrified that I'm making a huge mistake. I guess if you knew how things would turn out then they wouldn't be called risks, but like I said I'm not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I find comfort in security.

I'm not so much worried that I won't do well in school. I think I'm going to be a much better student this time around and I still managed to graduate from a very tough program the first time. I just think the enormity of this complete 360 is beginning to sink in. I'm leaving everything I know behind. I'm leaving security, companionship, comfort, a social life, even love (how ever fucked up it may be) to take a gamble on myself. I just hope in the end it turns out to be worth it, but I just keep reminding myself that ultimately I'm worth it.

The Will to Live

Okay so things are pretty much progressing smoothly with the whole school thing. Orientation was good. I made a friend, found out some more information about my classes and got my schedule. I also got fitted for my "uniform" which was interesting. Needless to say I won't be winning any beauty contests in that outfit but I'm not going to culinary school to be beautiful. I got my first round of immunization shots (damn my arm is sore). I finally heard back from the financial aid people. The only thing that is giving me pause at this point is trying to find a place to live.

I'm too old to live in the dorms (not that I would want to anyway). I looked into an apartment complex reserved just for students but you have to live with 3 other people and share a common space, kitchen and bathroom. That would be fine if I was 23 but I'm not. I'm almost 30 and I have no desire to be Den-Mother to 3 overgrown teenagers. Apartments near the school are super expensive, but I also don't want to live too far away either, because between gas and parking I'll end up spending just as much. It's like a catch twenty-two. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. The cost of school is mostly covered by scholarships, grants and loans but it looks like I'm going to have to take out a private loan just to pay for some digs. I just hope I can nail something down soon that fits my criteria: close to school, reasonable rent, safe. That may be a tall order...

Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)

Okay so my intense rambling of last night was a little unwarranted. I found out this morning that it's all going to be okay. I was so worried last night that I wasn't going to be able to start school in September that it just completely did me in. Things are still on track though, so the worrying was for naught. I just couldn't help it. I guess now I know just how much culinary school means to me. 'Cause when I didn't think it was going to happen, it literally felt like a small part of me was dying. I'm still not wholly convinced yet so when I'm there for orientation tomorrow I'm going to double and triple check to make sure.

I guess for the time being I can just go back to being upset over Tommy. Yes I know we don't even live in the same state and he still gets to me. His band was in town playing a show last Tuesday night. He had called and asked me to come the week before but I hadn't heard anything from him since. My roommate and I got there not long after they'd taken the stage. After the show we hung out waiting for the band to appear. Finally Tommy emerged and noticed me after a bit. He seemed really pleased that I'd come to see them. He immediately came over and didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.

In fact not long after he sat down with me, he wanted to know if he could stay at our house. I told him he could. My roommate left and so did the rest of Tommy's band. Then the two of us (at his insistence) got completely trashed and had to take a cab home. We stayed in bed the whole afternoon watching movies like the old days (well that and we had to wait for my other roommate to get off work and take us back to our cars).

After he left to go back to Alabama, I wasn't upset at all. I'd had so much fun with him, there was no drama and I'd gotten the one thing I'd wanted with Tommy; just one more night together with no bullshit. And no we didn't have sex. He kissed me at one point but that's nothing new. I kept that feeling for about two days after he left.

Then around Friday night the shit sank in. I started missing him like crazy and just feeling utterly alone. It is beyond me how you can live with two people and still feel completely alone, but it happens. It also didn't help that he kept calling me over the weekend either. I have a love/hate relationship with hearing from him. On the one hand he's my friend and I love that he calls me, but on the other when I'm wading through crap like that, it just makes me feel more alone and sad. I kept tearing up at random points through out the weekend and finally on Sunday, LBG put in Felicity and I just let it all out and really cried.

This whole business with school has certainly taken my mind off of Tommy the last day or so but I'm sure it will come back. I don't want to stop seeing or talking to him but I do want these crappy feelings that it brings about to go away. I know I'm nursing a bit of a broken heart but it needs to hurry up and heal faster. Maybe Charlotte will be far enough away for that to happen.

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

I can't sleep. Too much running through my head to sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I just can't.

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your little spirit just got the shit kicked out of it? Yesterday (technically since it's 4 a.m.) was one of those days. I like to think that I've handled all the crap life has thrown at me lately, fairly well, but something happened that is threatening to undo everything. I'm hoping things will work out in my favor, but at this point I don't know if that's possible. I know I have to pick myself up and move on, but right now I just don't have the strength to do anything more than huddled on the ground and cry.

I know I'm being extremely dramatic right now, but to me this is pretty fucking dramatic. In fact, right now this is my everything...