Crush Tonight

Well I ran into Mr. 40+ Friday night. We had another night of amazing conversation and yes he asked for my number. He called me around noon on Saturday. We both already had plans so he hasn't asked me out yet. I didn't hear from him yesterday. Oddly enough I'm not all bagjity about all of this (yet). I'm thinking maybe if I don't hear from him by tomorrow I'll give him a call. I think he could use the encouragement. He seems a bit unsure of my interest, or at least that's the impression I'm getting. Maybe it's the age thing; I don't know.

When Love Dies

Let’s say you dated someone for over a year, you “love” them and then you break up for whatever reason. Years later you look back and the most you feel is indifference. What I want to know is did love die or did you just not love them in the first place?

Ramble On

Well I think the title pretty much says it all. I’ve got a lot on my mind and it just needs to spew forth. So here goes.

J’s birthday was last Friday. I think we all had fun celebrating (don’t you just love how we ALL celebrate when there’s a birthday?) Oh, and T’s birthday was last Wednesday, Happy Birthday Tay-Tay. The birthday weekend was good. Friday night we took a fieldtrip to the porn store, because it’s been awhile. We enjoy going but I don’t think for the same reasons most people like to go. We walk around and laugh or cringe at the porn/merchandise. Oh and we always have to pick a favorite porn title from our trip. This time around I think “Honey, I Blew Up Your Pussy” was the hands down winner.

Saturday J wanted to have a wine and cheese type birthday party after his birthday dinner. Dinner was good. The waiter was cute. The party nibbles were well received. I’d say the wine and cheese party was a success even if it wasn’t so sophisticated. Many people had fun at the party but quite a few got drunk. And yes Brad, I know you aren’t that person. : )

Monday night I went to the bar to pick up something for CAT. While I was there I overheard some regulars talking about Tommy Lee (yes I was totally eavesdropping). They were talking about how he was considering moving to another town in Alabama. I cannot accurately describe what I started feeling when I heard that. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I felt sad, I was pissed and I felt dismissed. I left very shortly after overhearing this and went home to feel whatever I was feeling. I realized how much I would miss him if he left. I realized how much I look forward to running into him at the bar. I realized how much a chance meeting can affect you. I realized that I felt hurt because “I heard it through the grapevine” and not from him.

Tuesday I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I was bored but couldn’t think of anything to do. Well and I wanted to suck on someone and had nobody to suck on. I think the Cosmic Horn is in full effect again. Apparently this happens to me every January. I just need to make out with a guy and I should be over it. I hope.

Wednesday CAT and I went to the bar. Tommy Lee showed up about 20 minutes after we got there. It was weird; I didn’t want to talk to him. So we exchanged polite hellos and didn’t really talk to each other all night. On the rare occasion that we did speak, it was like talking to someone I just met. I didn’t care for that at all and it made me feel a little bit icky. I’m not really sure what to do about it though.

After Tommy left the Cowboy showed up. I guess I’m making progress where he’s concerned because I was actually able to converse with him and I didn’t want to claw his eyeballs out. So yea me, I’m completely over the Cowboy. Still not sure what I saw in him in the first place, other than that I still think he has a really nice nose. Yes, I know how strange that sounds.

I’m hoping to “bump” into Mr. 40+ this weekend. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much though. It usually just leads to disappointment and I hate being disappointed. I did turn down an invitation Friday so I could sit at the bar and hopefully run into him. But did I really need to go to the circus with the Cowboy? Yeah I didn’t think so either. If I do see him again, and we have another night like the one we had a few weeks ago, and he doesn’t ask for my number, I just might scream.

Crash Into Me

A friend of mine has a little girl who is 7. A while back when I was home visiting my parents, my friend brought her family over for a visit. While I was talking to the little girl, she was telling me about school and this and that. Sometime during the conversation she told me told me about this little boy in her class who had a crash on her. Confused, I looked to her mother for an explanation. Apparently the little girl had crash confused with crush.

For some reason I remembered that mix-up yesterday and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that kid was dead on. More often than not my crushes are more like crashes. The Cowboy was certainly a crash. Not a fatal crash by any means, but I did walk away from that one slightly dazed and a little bruised. Tommy Lee, well I knew that was just a crash course from the get go, but luckily it turned out okay in the end. Mr. 40+, well it still remains to be seen how this crash will turn out. I can't help but wonder though; how many times can you keep walking away from a crash site unharmed? Eventually I'm going to crash and get hurt.

Good Friday

Okay so I didn't stay home and watch movies Friday night (but I did shave). Instead I got all dolled up in a new outfit (well, new top and necklaces) and went to hang out at the bar for a few hours. Tommy Lee's band was playing in a near by town and I was planning on going but since I'd never been to this particular bar and I was going alone, I didn't want to get there too early. Instead I decided to hang out at my home away from home until almost 11:00 when Tommy Lee and Co. would be taking the stage and then head over to see them.

I get to the bar and there sits Tommy Lee with his new girlfriend Courtney Love. Um, okay slightly awkward moment and I don't know what to do. I just walk past them to the other end of the bar and flash a quick smile as I breeze past. After maybe 5 minutes Tommy Lee leaves Courtney sitting at the bar and comes over to me. Then he begins to apologize. Apparently he was blitzed the night before and realized that he (while rightfully bringing to my attention that I'd said something that bothered him) was pretty much an asshole about it Thursday night. Then he informs me that he was sitting with COURTNEY his GIRLFRIEND. Well yeah I kind of figured that's who she was. Then he tells me that she isn't his girlfriend and he's just hanging out with her. Whatever. I point out that he called her his girlfriend Monday when he told me about her. He changes the subject by asking if I'm coming to see the band later. I told him I might and then Tommy and Courtney leave. He's so fucking weird...

Flash forward about an hour. In walks the 40+ guy from last night. I'd been hoping I might run into him again. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said to me the night before. I was thinking about it when I went to sleep Thursday night. I was thinking about it sitting at my desk. I was thinking about it while I washed my hair Friday night. Can you tell I'd been thinking about it a lot? So anyway, he comes into the bar and I just sit at the opposite end playing it as cool as I possibly can. Eventually he makes his way towards the end of the bar where I'm sitting (his friends are sitting at the table behind me). He makes it as far as the stool next to me and no further.

We sat and talked for 4 1/2 hours. I missed Tommy's show (oops). Hell I was barely aware of what was going on around me. We talked about music, travel, family, books, movies, food and even sports. I also found out that he remembered talking to me Thursday but he didn't really remember what we talked about (he'd been to a close friend's funeral earlier in the day and apparently he'd had a bit much to drink, not that you could really tell). He was concerned that he'd said something offensive to me and I assured him that wasn't the case. I just told him the conversation was illuminating and left it at that. I had a great time Friday. He's smart. He's funny. He's sexy. He's witty. He gave me butterflies. He has a daughter 9 years younger than me... (yeah...)

When he got ready to leave he told me how much he'd enjoyed spending time getting to know me better. I told him how much fun I'd had. He gave me this great hug and left. I couldn't believe he didn't ask for my number. We don't run into each other that often. I've gone well over a month without seeing him out. During our lengthy conversation he even said that he needed to cook me dinner one night and make me listen to some Neil Young album (he loves him, me not so much). Kind of hard to invite me over for dinner when you don't have my phone number. I'm just a little confused at the moment. I mean I've made a promise to myself to take things a little slower with men, and I plan on sticking to that, but it would be nice if we could at least meet up for a drink sometime soon. Once again I guess I'll just have to sit back and see what happens, and we all know how good I am at that. But at least now we all know that I'm so going there if given the chance!

Bad Moon Rising

Damn last night wasn't Friday 13th or the full moon but it was strange enough. I'm thinking tonight maybe I should just stay home, shave my legs and watch movies. I don't know that I want to push my luck...

So last night CAT and I go to the bar for a drink. We sit there for awhile talking to some friends when Tommy Lee comes in with the rest of the band. I notice after awhile that he's not really making an effort to talk to me. Sometime later I go over to him and ask if anything is wrong because he hasn't really said much to me all night. Apparently the last time I saw him, I'd made some off hand comment that Tommy had taken to heart and I'd hurt his feelings. Of course I had no idea and once I found out, I felt like complete shit. I apologized, he accepted so we kissed and made up and now all is well.

Sometimes I'm still taken aback by the juxtaposition that is Tommy Lee. To look at him you'd think he didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone. The reality is if he actually cares about you then he's much more sensitive to your words, deeds and opinions. I guess I'm just going to have to keep that in mind a bit more from now on. He's told me how much he values my opinion and how much he cares for me and I need to remember that.

In other news I ran into a guy that hangs out at the bar semi-regularly. He's older. I'd say early 40's. I've always thought he was attractive. I've always enjoyed talking to him on the occasions that we run into each other. Last night I went over to say hello and we had a brief but very informative chat before he left. It's never a bad thing to find out a man thinks "you're sexy as hell" and that he thinks you should spend some time getting to know one another better. I honestly didn't know what to say. I had no idea he was even interested.

Now I'm kind of stuck trying to decide if I should go there or not. On the one hand I'm attracted to him but he is so much older than me. And I can't decide if he just wants a piece if younger ass or not. I guess the only thing I can do is just give it a little more time and see what comes of it. I do think I'm going to have to test the waters a little with this one, though. Can't help it. I'm intrigued.

Then as we were getting ready to leave some hot ass marine asked for my phone number. God, he was really cute but of course looked kind of young. I didn't give him my number because like I told him, I don't make a habit of giving out my number to guys who've known me for a total of 2 minutes. Instead he settled for a good-night hug. This kid was totally trying to scam some ass before heading home but at least he was pretty sweet about it.

I ask you, what's up with the universe?

Brand New Year (My Revolution)

Sadly this is all that remains of my long update post from last week....


I'm approaching this brand new, shiny year with hopeful optimism. I know I can be a bit cynical and sarcastic at times (and come on, you love me for it), but I feel that good things are to come. I deserve good things so I'm just going to try and recognize them when they come along and take advantage of them. I'm trying to remember if I always feel this way at the turn of a new year, but I honestly can't remember. So therefore I'm going to assume this new year's optimism is something different.

I don't think I greeted 2005 with the same warmth and outlook with which I'm greeting 2006. Granted last year was a bit of a difficult one for me but in all honesty I think I'm much better for it. I feel like a more well rounded, able person. In short I'm pretty happy being me these days. Who would've thought it? I like who I am. Even on those days when it's raining shit, I still don't think I'd choose to be anyone but myself.

Bloody Mother F**cking Asshole

Damn it! I spent all fucking day writing an update and cyber space just ate it! FUCK.....

(and yes I'm still keeping my song title theme this year and yep that's a song)