Thank You Cleveland and Good Night

I know I've been M.I.A for, well over a year now, but busy wasn't the word. Since then I've graduated from culinary school, moved in with the Big Bad Wolf, got a real job, lost my grandmother, and the Big Bad Wolf and I called it quits 3 weeks ago. I am still here. I am still kicking, and I will survive, but my life as I knew it before doesn't really exsist. I quit my job, I've left Charlotte and now I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Picking up the pieces I guess, but this chapter, this blog is over. Thanks to everyone who read and cared. I'm out...

We Are Family

It seems that a family crisis can bring about many things. Some families choose to pull together and other families are completely torn apart. I would like to think that my family would choose to pull together and support one another, and my immediate family would. My extended family on the other hand is a completely different story. I am very sad to say that I have some of the most infantile, selfish people in my extended family. Most times I'm ashamed that we come from the same gene pool.

My grandmother is in the hospital at the moment and it's pretty much touch and go at this point. In fact she was doing so poorly last night that my parents had to have a serious talk about calling me and asking me to leave school and come home. They ultimately decided to wait until morning and re-evaluate the situation. Thankfully she pulled through the night and has improved a bit over the course of the day. By no means is she out of the woods, but improvement is improvement.

My mother who married into this family, has gone to the hospital daily, missed work, and rearranged her schedule to be there for my grandmother and my father. In fact she is the one who has helped to care for my grandmother and even took her to the hospital. My mother is seeking nothing in return for her efforts. She loves my grandmother and my father and this is just what you do for your family. It's as simple as that.

One of my grandmother's own children it seems is too busy to make the trip from out of town to come see her. Not only is this woman in ICU but it's Mother's Day weekend and her 85th birthday is in 8 days. Oh and I'd like to mention that said child is RETIRED! Not only is her child not coming but they also see fit not to return my parents phone calls to keep them updated and choose to speak directly with the nurses at the hospital. Can I add that my own mother is a nurse in an ICU unit at a much larger hospital? Plus when the jackass calls to speak with the nurses they are completely rude! These people are taking care of their mother and they deserve more respect than to be talked to so rudely.

The whole situation just pisses me off...

I Just Called To Say I Love You

The Big Bad Wolf and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary this weekend. We still haven't said "I love you". I've been wanting to tell him for the last few weeks but I just don't seem to be able to get the words out. I keep waiting for "the perfect time" and it's just not happening. Well that and the fact that I'm petrified that I'll say it and he won't say it back. I don't know what's worse, him not feeling the same way or keeping the words inside.

Love Me Tender

I'm beginning to think my relationship with the Big Bad Wolf is like a muscle. When you tear it down a little it just grows back a bit stronger. We totally had that moment yesterday. The weekend was a mixed bag. There were parts of it that were really great. The nice dinner at the tapas restaurant. The out of town shopping trip. Sharing the gelato. Grabbing my hand while strolling around window shopping. Coffee and the morning paper. There was some crap that came along with it too. Preoccupation on my part that put a damper on things. A misunderstanding that led to some hurt feelings and tears.

Finally we talked it all out over brunch Sunday and I got everything off my chest (well with the exception of one thing, but he doesn't need to know about that just yet). I think both of us felt immensely better afterwards. I know I did. It was like a ton of bricks had be unloaded off my chest. I could breath again.

That night I was totally in the mood to make dinner so I did. I bought wine and made bruschetta, and vodka cream sauce, and a lovely dessert of fresh pears, walnuts, blue cheese and balsamic reduction. And I did this all for my BOYFRIEND. We had such a nice night and there was such a wonderfully intimate vibe (and no I'm not talking about sex). At one point I'm sure that he considered telling me he loved me. I could see it in his eyes and for now that's enough. Quite possibly the best part about last night was falling asleep curled into him with my hand tucked into his. That might be the best sleep I've ever had.

Fake Plastic Trees

I should totally be doing something constructive at the moment but I just don't feel like it. I need to clean my apartment, do laundry, research a paper, shave my legs and paint my toenails but instead I'm sitting on the couch in my sweatpants playing on the laptop my parents gave me for Christmas, and musing. About what you might ask? Well lots of things actually. Here they are in no particular order.

- I'm obsessing about my weight because I've gained a little since school started. I knew I would, it being culinary school and all, but it's driving me nuts. It's kind of strange that it didn't bother me as much when I was like 80 pounds heavier like it does now. I guess because I realize that I don't want to be that person ever again and I'm a little panicked that I'm back sliding. Plus I never had a man when my ass was that fat and I guess I'm a little worried about how the Big Bad Wolf sees me these days.

- Which I guess brings me to the next issue. I can't help but wonder why in the hell the Big Bad Wolf hardly ever compliments me. I don't have to have constant compliments but they would be nice every so often. Especially now that I've gained a few and am not feeling as pretty as I normally do. I wonder if he also doesn't find me as attractive as he initially did. Or perhaps he could just be a boy and not think and I could be a girl and over think.

- Every four or five days I consider calling things off with the Big Bad Wolf. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it has more to do with me than it does him, though. Sadly, I haven't been in a real relationship for this long in quite some time. Scared to death doesn't even come close to describing the fear I feel. I think sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to cut bait and run (don't you just love those Southern expressions?).

- I have about a million questions I want to ask him but I never do. Instead they just circulate through my head over and over and over again. Then I begin to worry if I should just ask them or if I should just keep them to myself.

Now I'm even driving myself crazy in blogland. This is a loosing battle so I'm out...

Fight For Your Right (To Party)

Well I have to say that I just had the best weekend I've had in a really long time. I should totally be doing homework right now, as I have tons, but I just have to share with blogland first. First of all the Big Bad Wolf has a job now. He works a few nights a week at the bar that we frequent. Now that he has a job we have two schedules to work around so we don't have as much to spend together as we used to (not that I'm complaining).

So after not seeing him outside of class since Monday, he asked me if I wanted to do something Friday night. I got a little dressed up and we went to our bar. All we did was sit there and drink (and I got a little happy off some Pinot) but I had the best time with him. We talked, I mean really talked, we drank, we laughed, we kissed. We went home and well did other things. I felt a connection to him that night that I really haven't felt before. I guess because he opened up to me about some personal things. Anyway it was just a great night.

I went to work the next morning (a bit hungover). I had been kind of blue about the fact that I couldn't make it to J's 30th on Saturday because they wouldn't let me off work. I really wanted to go and was royally pissed that I couldn't get 3 1/2 hours off so I could go. J called me and I just felt a little lost and so sad that I couldn't see my friends.

Basically on the way home from work I decided right then and there that I was going to Atlanta anyway. Even though I had a ton of homework due Monday. Even though I would get to spend less than 24 hours with my friends. Even though I was exhausted, I needed to see my friends. And I'm so glad I went because I had the best time.

There were hugs, jello shots, and PJ abundant. There were also so many laughs and tons of dancing. It felt good to be "home" again. Though it was hardly relaxing and I got little sleep, seeing everyone totally recharged my batteries. I had such a great time and I can't wait until I can see them again.

Sea of Love

Okay so maybe not love, but like, at the very least. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that I dove. I think I might be the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend or something. I met two of his best friend's over the New Year's weekend and both of them at some point called me his girlfriend. He didn't correct them so I guess I am. I haven't had a real boyfriend in a really, really long time.

Tommy Lee certainly wasn't a real boyfriend. Who knows what the fuck he was. Mr. 40+ wasn't a real boyfriend because, when it came right down to it, I just didn't feel that way about him. The Young Republican, well he dumped me for being a Democrat before we really got that far. That was pretty much the case with the Cowboy too.

God, I'm not sure I really know how to be someone's girlfriend. In fact I think I might suck at it. I'm still scared to death that I might very well regret this whole involvement with the Big Bad Wolf, but it's pretty much too late for that now. I'm part of a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the one hand I love Sunday mornings when we sleep in at his house. He makes coffee and gets the paper, which we both sit at the table and read. He reads the sports section and the front page and I read the local section and the comics. Sometimes he makes me breakfast and sometimes we throw on clothes and head to a diner for eggs and bacon. We usually round out the day with a trip to the bookstore or watching a movie and napping on the couch. That is the couple-dom that I like. Actually this the part of being with him that I love.

The part I hate is the anticipation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some reason I have it in my head that the shit will hit the fan at some point or another. Why can't I just enjoy things the way they are instead of waiting for the total nuclear annihilation? And I know part of it has to do with his past, but a lot of it has to do with mine too. I've had so many guys just completely flake out on me that I've just come to expect it. When the hell did I become so cynical? Me, the girl who cries at the end of every sad, sappy romantic comedy? Or perhaps it's because I never get what I really want.