Dizzy

I don't honestly know which end is up at the moment. I have no time for anything. School is busy is hell. Work is busy as hell. I feel bad because everyone keeps wanting to know when I'm going to come visit and I just don't know when I'll have time to. In the little spare time that I have homework needs to be done, so does laundry, and cleaning and bathing. I'm constantly tired. I can sleep anywhere at anytime these days. I'm starting to get totally forgetful. I keep leaving my phone at home. I forgot my password to get into my email at school. I forget to pay bills. I keep food in my car because that's the only time I really have a chance to eat something. People keep telling me I look tired all the time. I have a cough that won't go away. I've had a sore throat for the last 3 days and I honestly just don't have the time or the money to go see a doctor. I can feel the sanity slipping. I'm way over due for the breakdown.

Swan Dive

I am quite the jumble here lately. Every one seems to have an opinion about what I should do concerning the Big Bad Wolf. For the most part, people think I should just cut bait and run. A few think I should wait things out a bit, and my romantically idealistic soul sister is all for me diving in head first. In fact she wrote an entry that's really got me thinking about things. To plunge or not to plunge. That is the question that weighs heavily on my mind.

It basically boils down to one thing: I'M SCARED. I'm scared that if I become involved with the Big Bad Wolf any further that he's going to hurt me, badly. What if he cheats on me just like Crazy Bitch said he would? On the other hand I'm scared of missing out on what could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. What if he turns out to be THE ONE? I just wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if this guy is a whammy or not.

But really when you think about it, aside from Crazy Bitch, how is this relationship any different from any other new relationship. There is always a risk. There is always the unknown. I just have a little more background information than normal. I just keep reminding myself that he hasn't done anything to me. It sucks that I mistrust him for things he did before he even knew me, but I do. I have this little voice in the back of my head that is filled with doubt. Wondering if the sweet things he does and says are sincere. I want them to be. I want to think that I'm special. Thing is I might not be. I could be just like all the others. I spent way too much time telling myself I was special to Tommy Lee and to this day I'm not sure if it's true or not. I don't want to go down that road again.

I've been warned. I've got my doubts. I've got my guard up. I'm teetering on the edge of the diving board, scared, trying to decide if I want to jump.

On to other news...
Speaking of Tommy Lee (we were, weren't we?), he called me Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. I hadn't heard from him since early October. I found that it was really good talking to him and catching up. He seems good and I'm glad. I didn't have that old familiar feeling of a hollow spot in my chest upon hearing his voice. I think that's a great thing. I missed, I mourned, I got over it. That's how I work. It may not go as quickly as some would like and it may not be so pretty at times but I have to work through things in my own time in my own way. I think I'm there.

Paint It Black

Well so far nothing more from the Crazy Bitch. I think she's embarrassed enough about her feeble suicide attempt, (and no I'm not making light, but this girl didn't want to harm herself in any way really) that she made such a big deal about that I don't know that I'll hear from her anymore. That's a good thing. I need less crazy in my life.

As for things with the Big Bad Wolf. I don't know what to do. If you remove all the crap that's happened I still like him. I still have a lot of fun hanging out with him. I still think he's incredibly sweet. Unfortunately I can't remove all the crap. I just have to get past it or not. I'm not past it yet. I'm simply trying to decide if he's worth it. What if I decide that he is and we work through things only to have him cheat on me like he has almost every girlfriend he's ever had? That would make me a complete asshole...

Why can't I ever do things easy?