Moody Blue

I've been trying to post for a week now. I can't seem to finish any of them that I start. I don't know why that is. I have several half finished entries about my daily activities over the past week, yes mostly concerning the Cowboy. Things are still going pretty well with him, I guess. Still talking to him and or seeing him every day. Got a real kiss from him Monday night. Got several real kisses from him Tuesday night. I like him. I'm pretty sure he likes me. We have fun together. Too bad I just want to say to hell with it and tell him to get lost.

Makes tons of sense, right? Yeah, well, welcome to the inter-workings of my fucked up and addled mind. I think I've mentioned before that I suck at dating. I don't know if I've ever spoken a truer statement in my life. I completely suck at it. I know life is uncertain. I don't like it, but I seem to deal pretty well for the most part. For some reason the uncertainty just bugs the hell out of me when it comes to dating. I guess because I guard my heart closely. It's been broken before and it took me quite some time to glue all the pieces back together. I think I'm a little afraid that not all of fractures have completely healed.

The Cowboy makes me feel amazing. He adores my weird nose crinkle, he likes my fashion sense (which I must admit usually takes a beating here in Alabama), he loves my smile (which I hate). He's funny, he's warm, he's genuine, he's generous, he's a good friend, he's sweet, he's cute, but he's still a man. I think it's pretty obvious that men and women don't think the same way and if you do, then in all likelihood one of you is gay. I know we don't see things the same way. I know we don't think about things the same way. I know relationships aren't cut and dry.

Everyone keeps asking me if the Cowboy and I are dating. I have no answer for them. He's never actually asked me out. With the exception of one Sunday, the only place we've seen each other is at the bar. We never go to the bar together, we always just kind of meet up there. So you tell me, does that constitute as dating? For I haven't a fucking clue.

The unknown makes me a little nuts. It's not like I want to settle down with this guy but it would be nice if I had a slightly better clue as to what is going on. This is why I just want to tell him to fuck off. He's making me feel things that make me extremely uncomfortable. I feel all out of sorts.

Granted not all of that is because of him. I didn't sleep well last night due to almost constant nightmares. Being tired just exaggerates emotions where I'm concerned. I received some upsetting news this week also. I know that's playing a part in all of this too. A tired, confused, upset, weary woman is never a good thing. At least I realize this is the reason I burst into unexplained tears this morning. I'm taking my current mood and the events leading up to it into consideration and I won't be making any big decisions at this time. So don't worry, the Cowboy is safe for the time being but the pitfalls ahead may be unavoidable.

Maybe his funk is going around because Poodle and LBG seem to have caught it too. I hope this is just a phase we're going though and it passes quickly. Big hugs to you both!