Brand New Chimichanga

Thank You Cleveland and Good Night

2008-06-27T19:25:00.003-05:00

I know I've been M.I.A for, well over a year now, but busy wasn't the word. Since then I've graduated from culinary school, moved in with the Big Bad Wolf, got a real job, lost my grandmother, and the Big Bad Wolf and I called it quits 3 weeks ago. I am still here. I am still kicking, and I will survive, but my life as I knew it before doesn't really exsist. I quit my job, I've left Charlotte and now I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Picking up the pieces I guess, but this chapter, this blog is over. Thanks to everyone who read and cared. I'm out...

We Are Family

2007-05-10T18:36:00.000-05:00

It seems that a family crisis can bring about many things. Some families choose to pull together and other families are completely torn apart. I would like to think that my family would choose to pull together and support one another, and my immediate family would. My extended family on the other hand is a completely different story. I am very sad to say that I have some of the most infantile, selfish people in my extended family. Most times I'm ashamed that we come from the same gene pool.

My grandmother is in the hospital at the moment and it's pretty much touch and go at this point. In fact she was doing so poorly last night that my parents had to have a serious talk about calling me and asking me to leave school and come home. They ultimately decided to wait until morning and re-evaluate the situation. Thankfully she pulled through the night and has improved a bit over the course of the day. By no means is she out of the woods, but improvement is improvement.

My mother who married into this family, has gone to the hospital daily, missed work, and rearranged her schedule to be there for my grandmother and my father. In fact she is the one who has helped to care for my grandmother and even took her to the hospital. My mother is seeking nothing in return for her efforts. She loves my grandmother and my father and this is just what you do for your family. It's as simple as that.

One of my grandmother's own children it seems is too busy to make the trip from out of town to come see her. Not only is this woman in ICU but it's Mother's Day weekend and her 85th birthday is in 8 days. Oh and I'd like to mention that said child is RETIRED! Not only is her child not coming but they also see fit not to return my parents phone calls to keep them updated and choose to speak directly with the nurses at the hospital. Can I add that my own mother is a nurse in an ICU unit at a much larger hospital? Plus when the jackass calls to speak with the nurses they are completely rude! These people are taking care of their mother and they deserve more respect than to be talked to so rudely.

The whole situation just pisses me off...

I Just Called To Say I Love You

2007-05-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

The Big Bad Wolf and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary this weekend. We still haven't said "I love you". I've been wanting to tell him for the last few weeks but I just don't seem to be able to get the words out. I keep waiting for "the perfect time" and it's just not happening. Well that and the fact that I'm petrified that I'll say it and he won't say it back. I don't know what's worse, him not feeling the same way or keeping the words inside.

Love Me Tender

2007-01-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think my relationship with the Big Bad Wolf is like a muscle. When you tear it down a little it just grows back a bit stronger. We totally had that moment yesterday. The weekend was a mixed bag. There were parts of it that were really great. The nice dinner at the tapas restaurant. The out of town shopping trip. Sharing the gelato. Grabbing my hand while strolling around window shopping. Coffee and the morning paper. There was some crap that came along with it too. Preoccupation on my part that put a damper on things. A misunderstanding that led to some hurt feelings and tears.

Finally we talked it all out over brunch Sunday and I got everything off my chest (well with the exception of one thing, but he doesn't need to know about that just yet). I think both of us felt immensely better afterwards. I know I did. It was like a ton of bricks had be unloaded off my chest. I could breath again.

That night I was totally in the mood to make dinner so I did. I bought wine and made bruschetta, and vodka cream sauce, and a lovely dessert of fresh pears, walnuts, blue cheese and balsamic reduction. And I did this all for my BOYFRIEND. We had such a nice night and there was such a wonderfully intimate vibe (and no I'm not talking about sex). At one point I'm sure that he considered telling me he loved me. I could see it in his eyes and for now that's enough. Quite possibly the best part about last night was falling asleep curled into him with my hand tucked into his. That might be the best sleep I've ever had.

Fake Plastic Trees

2007-01-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

I should totally be doing something constructive at the moment but I just don't feel like it. I need to clean my apartment, do laundry, research a paper, shave my legs and paint my toenails but instead I'm sitting on the couch in my sweatpants playing on the laptop my parents gave me for Christmas, and musing. About what you might ask? Well lots of things actually. Here they are in no particular order.

- I'm obsessing about my weight because I've gained a little since school started. I knew I would, it being culinary school and all, but it's driving me nuts. It's kind of strange that it didn't bother me as much when I was like 80 pounds heavier like it does now. I guess because I realize that I don't want to be that person ever again and I'm a little panicked that I'm back sliding. Plus I never had a man when my ass was that fat and I guess I'm a little worried about how the Big Bad Wolf sees me these days.

- Which I guess brings me to the next issue. I can't help but wonder why in the hell the Big Bad Wolf hardly ever compliments me. I don't have to have constant compliments but they would be nice every so often. Especially now that I've gained a few and am not feeling as pretty as I normally do. I wonder if he also doesn't find me as attractive as he initially did. Or perhaps he could just be a boy and not think and I could be a girl and over think.

- Every four or five days I consider calling things off with the Big Bad Wolf. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it has more to do with me than it does him, though. Sadly, I haven't been in a real relationship for this long in quite some time. Scared to death doesn't even come close to describing the fear I feel. I think sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to cut bait and run (don't you just love those Southern expressions?).

- I have about a million questions I want to ask him but I never do. Instead they just circulate through my head over and over and over again. Then I begin to worry if I should just ask them or if I should just keep them to myself.

Now I'm even driving myself crazy in blogland. This is a loosing battle so I'm out...

Fight For Your Right (To Party)

2007-01-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well I have to say that I just had the best weekend I've had in a really long time. I should totally be doing homework right now, as I have tons, but I just have to share with blogland first. First of all the Big Bad Wolf has a job now. He works a few nights a week at the bar that we frequent. Now that he has a job we have two schedules to work around so we don't have as much to spend together as we used to (not that I'm complaining).

So after not seeing him outside of class since Monday, he asked me if I wanted to do something Friday night. I got a little dressed up and we went to our bar. All we did was sit there and drink (and I got a little happy off some Pinot) but I had the best time with him. We talked, I mean really talked, we drank, we laughed, we kissed. We went home and well did other things. I felt a connection to him that night that I really haven't felt before. I guess because he opened up to me about some personal things. Anyway it was just a great night.

I went to work the next morning (a bit hungover). I had been kind of blue about the fact that I couldn't make it to J's 30th on Saturday because they wouldn't let me off work. I really wanted to go and was royally pissed that I couldn't get 3 1/2 hours off so I could go. J called me and I just felt a little lost and so sad that I couldn't see my friends.

Basically on the way home from work I decided right then and there that I was going to Atlanta anyway. Even though I had a ton of homework due Monday. Even though I would get to spend less than 24 hours with my friends. Even though I was exhausted, I needed to see my friends. And I'm so glad I went because I had the best time.

There were hugs, jello shots, and PJ abundant. There were also so many laughs and tons of dancing. It felt good to be "home" again. Though it was hardly relaxing and I got little sleep, seeing everyone totally recharged my batteries. I had such a great time and I can't wait until I can see them again.

Sea of Love

2007-01-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Okay so maybe not love, but like, at the very least. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that I dove. I think I might be the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend or something. I met two of his best friend's over the New Year's weekend and both of them at some point called me his girlfriend. He didn't correct them so I guess I am. I haven't had a real boyfriend in a really, really long time.

Tommy Lee certainly wasn't a real boyfriend. Who knows what the fuck he was. Mr. 40+ wasn't a real boyfriend because, when it came right down to it, I just didn't feel that way about him. The Young Republican, well he dumped me for being a Democrat before we really got that far. That was pretty much the case with the Cowboy too.

God, I'm not sure I really know how to be someone's girlfriend. In fact I think I might suck at it. I'm still scared to death that I might very well regret this whole involvement with the Big Bad Wolf, but it's pretty much too late for that now. I'm part of a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the one hand I love Sunday mornings when we sleep in at his house. He makes coffee and gets the paper, which we both sit at the table and read. He reads the sports section and the front page and I read the local section and the comics. Sometimes he makes me breakfast and sometimes we throw on clothes and head to a diner for eggs and bacon. We usually round out the day with a trip to the bookstore or watching a movie and napping on the couch. That is the couple-dom that I like. Actually this the part of being with him that I love.

The part I hate is the anticipation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some reason I have it in my head that the shit will hit the fan at some point or another. Why can't I just enjoy things the way they are instead of waiting for the total nuclear annihilation? And I know part of it has to do with his past, but a lot of it has to do with mine too. I've had so many guys just completely flake out on me that I've just come to expect it. When the hell did I become so cynical? Me, the girl who cries at the end of every sad, sappy romantic comedy? Or perhaps it's because I never get what I really want.

Dizzy

2006-12-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

I don't honestly know which end is up at the moment. I have no time for anything. School is busy is hell. Work is busy as hell. I feel bad because everyone keeps wanting to know when I'm going to come visit and I just don't know when I'll have time to. In the little spare time that I have homework needs to be done, so does laundry, and cleaning and bathing. I'm constantly tired. I can sleep anywhere at anytime these days. I'm starting to get totally forgetful. I keep leaving my phone at home. I forgot my password to get into my email at school. I forget to pay bills. I keep food in my car because that's the only time I really have a chance to eat something. People keep telling me I look tired all the time. I have a cough that won't go away. I've had a sore throat for the last 3 days and I honestly just don't have the time or the money to go see a doctor. I can feel the sanity slipping. I'm way over due for the breakdown.

Swan Dive

2006-12-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am quite the jumble here lately. Every one seems to have an opinion about what I should do concerning the Big Bad Wolf. For the most part, people think I should just cut bait and run. A few think I should wait things out a bit, and my romantically idealistic soul sister is all for me diving in head first. In fact she wrote an entry that's really got me thinking about things. To plunge or not to plunge. That is the question that weighs heavily on my mind.

It basically boils down to one thing: I'M SCARED. I'm scared that if I become involved with the Big Bad Wolf any further that he's going to hurt me, badly. What if he cheats on me just like Crazy Bitch said he would? On the other hand I'm scared of missing out on what could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. What if he turns out to be THE ONE? I just wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if this guy is a whammy or not.

But really when you think about it, aside from Crazy Bitch, how is this relationship any different from any other new relationship. There is always a risk. There is always the unknown. I just have a little more background information than normal. I just keep reminding myself that he hasn't done anything to me. It sucks that I mistrust him for things he did before he even knew me, but I do. I have this little voice in the back of my head that is filled with doubt. Wondering if the sweet things he does and says are sincere. I want them to be. I want to think that I'm special. Thing is I might not be. I could be just like all the others. I spent way too much time telling myself I was special to Tommy Lee and to this day I'm not sure if it's true or not. I don't want to go down that road again.

I've been warned. I've got my doubts. I've got my guard up. I'm teetering on the edge of the diving board, scared, trying to decide if I want to jump.

On to other news...
Speaking of Tommy Lee (we were, weren't we?), he called me Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. I hadn't heard from him since early October. I found that it was really good talking to him and catching up. He seems good and I'm glad. I didn't have that old familiar feeling of a hollow spot in my chest upon hearing his voice. I think that's a great thing. I missed, I mourned, I got over it. That's how I work. It may not go as quickly as some would like and it may not be so pretty at times but I have to work through things in my own time in my own way. I think I'm there.

Paint It Black

2006-12-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Well so far nothing more from the Crazy Bitch. I think she's embarrassed enough about her feeble suicide attempt, (and no I'm not making light, but this girl didn't want to harm herself in any way really) that she made such a big deal about that I don't know that I'll hear from her anymore. That's a good thing. I need less crazy in my life.

As for things with the Big Bad Wolf. I don't know what to do. If you remove all the crap that's happened I still like him. I still have a lot of fun hanging out with him. I still think he's incredibly sweet. Unfortunately I can't remove all the crap. I just have to get past it or not. I'm not past it yet. I'm simply trying to decide if he's worth it. What if I decide that he is and we work through things only to have him cheat on me like he has almost every girlfriend he's ever had? That would make me a complete asshole...

Why can't I ever do things easy?

Crazy Train

2006-11-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

I don't really have time to go into the details right now but suffice to say this girl is nuts. Things have gone from bad to nightmarish hell. More phone calls, her randomly showing up at the Big Bad Wolf's house, a failed suicide attempt and a hospital visit later I think it's safe to say that I'm out. I don't need this drama and I don't deserve it. I hate that I ever got sucked into all this crazy bullshit.

The one good thing I can say is that it's totally taken my mind off turning 30. I haven't cried once about it. In fact I'm just happy to be here for these past 30 years.

Your Cheating Heart

2006-11-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

I think I have the complete opposite of the Midas touch. Everything I seem to touch just turns to shit. I've managed to be some what drama free for the last few weeks and now drama has come knocking with a battling ram.

The Big Bad Wolf's ex-girlfriend has waged a war against me. I've gotten text messages, phone calls, nasty voicemails and even a page on MySpace. I've been labeled a home wrecking whore. Do I frankly care? Not really. Sticks and stones...

Unfortunately some rather unsavory facts about the Big Bad Wolf himself have surfaced in the process. The words serial cheater are still lingering on my voicemail. I didn't take a pissed off ex-girlfriend's words at face value so I asked him about it and got some conformation. Apparently he hasn't cheated on EVERY girlfriend he's had as she claimed, but he's cheated a fair amount. Now that's something that warms the cockles of my heart.

At this point I don't know what to think or to believe. I want to think he's sincere when he says the things that he does, but now everything seems suspect. Apparently he has an M.O. and he's been using it on me since day one. When we didn't see each other for the week of Thanksgiving break, he'd send me text messages telling me how much he missed me and how he wished he were with me. Yeah I'm nothing special because that seems to be one of his "things" according to the MySpace page. As does sending flowers when he's in trouble. I swear if I get flowers I'll scream, but I probably don't even warrant flowers at this point.

Not only do I not know if I can trust him, I don't even know if I can trust myself anymore. I used to think that I was a good judge of character but I fucking screwed the pooch on this one. My words from earlier posts are coming back to haunt me. How excited I was and how this time it felt so different. Turns out it wasn't any different. It was the same old shit just gift wrapped in pretty paper with a bow. God, I'm a fucking idiot.

I haven't completely closed the door on this one, but I just don't see how things can work. This is no kind of way to begin a relationship. The trust is gone and I'm suspicious of everything now. I hate being that girl and I doubt I'll be her for very long.

So here I am, 3 days away from my 30th birthday and the thing that I was so excited about has literally gone from sugar to shit at mach speed. It's getting harder every day to believe that I will find love with a man who actually deserves it.

Happy Together

2006-11-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am so completely freaked out right now. This thing with the Big Bad Wolf just feels so different than any other relationship, semi-relationship or quasi-relationship I've ever had. I'm so unbelievably happy when I'm with him. He actually takes me out once in a while. Yes like a real date. We have great chemistry, which apparently we haven't been able to hide from pretty much anyone. He makes me laugh. He's smart. He's incredibly sweet. Oh God, I really, really like him.

Learning to Fly

2006-11-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Little did I know as I was writing my post Saturday that the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend was in the process of moving out. They broke up. Saturday night he called me and wanted to hang out but I was busy (watching movies at the New Yankee's house, hello we're just friends). I politely declined.

Sunday he was making dinner and invited me over. I knew I shouldn't go over there but I really, really wanted to and I just couldn't resist. I went for dinner and had a great time. We hung out in the kitchen drinking beer while he finished up dinner, then we ate and watched a movie. After the movie it finally happened. He kissed me. And I kissed him back and we literally kissed for an hour. It was great and dinner was pretty good too. I finally went home and fell into bed.

Things were a bit awkward in class yesterday but not horribly so. We managed to get through it it with some jokes and sly smiles. We walked to our cars last night and he asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I said okay and we each went home to wash the kitchen smells off. He came over and we hung out for a bit then went to grab a few beers. Then we came back to my apartment and we made out for like an hour and a half. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Like I said before I been waiting for this to happen for such a long time and never really thought it would.

I have no problem what so ever talking to him and we have a great deal in common. I think that's a good thing. Plus he's the kind of guy that I've always kind of imaged myself with. In short I like him a lot. A lot, a lot and that scares the crap out of me. Any time I really like someone it just seems to crash and burn, horribly. Plus the whole I just broke up with my girlfriend freaks me out too. I just feel like it's too soon for he and I to be seeing each other but it's happened now and there's not a lot I can do about it. But I don't pretend that I'm the only reason the Big Bad Wolf and his girlfriend broke up. They were obviously having problems anyway because who in their right mind would break up with someone they were serious enough about to live with for me? That's crazy.

Anyway I'm excited and scared all at the same time but not so scared that I'm not going to move forward with him. I honestly don't see that I have any other option. I like him too much not to try. I just hope this crush doesn't turn into a crash because if it does I have a feeling this one might put me in traction...

You Give Love a Bad Name

2006-11-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

Well lots of new developments on the Big Bad Wolf front. He and his girlfriend are having problems. Apparently they've been fighting all week and B.B.W. made the comment that he might be joining the ranks of the single again. I feel like a complete bitch though, cause I'm so not upset that they might break up. Sadly part of me is egging him on. I'm such a bad person...

I had car trouble this week so the Big Bad Wolf had to pick me up and drop me off for school two days in a row. The first night he asked if he could come in and use the bathroom. I let him in. Then we stood there in very awkward conversation for a few minutes. I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he didn't. Finally I told him to go home, so he did.

The next night he decided he needed to walk me to my door. So when we got to the door, more awkward silence so to break it I invite him in. We stand around for several more minutes, more awkward chit-chat. Finally he says he needs to leave so I walk him out. More long minutes of awkward chatter then it happens. He puts his hands around my waist and leans in. I stop him and tell him to go home.

It almost killed me. God, the look on his face was awful. I explained that it wasn't that I didn't want him to kiss me but he had a girlfriend. I also told him that I didn't know what was going on between him and his girlfriend but for both of our sake I was trying to stay out of it and not complicate things any more for him until he figured out what he wanted. He finally left and I wanted to smack myself in the head. He tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let him. I've been hoping for this moment for weeks and then it presents it's self and I push him away. Damn it why do I have to have good moral fiber? This guy has made me all kinds of bajigity and I don't like it!

Bad Boys

2006-10-22T20:00:00.000-05:00

Okay so I broke up with the New Yankee today. I know, I know, but we just weren't that compatible dating wise. He's a really great guy but he just wasn't the guy for me. The break up was kind of mutual and we've agreed that we can totally be friends. I'm happy about that because he's such good friends with my cousin and I do genuinely like him as a person. In fact I'm supposed to over to his house later tonight to watch the Dead Like Me episodes that he TiVoed for me. All's well that ends well I guess.

So onto the Big Bad Wolf. I have to do a little set up here. His birthday was two weeks ago and his girlfriend (who he lives with) was out of town so another guy from class and I took him out for a few beers. While we're sitting there I ask him if he's made a birthday wish. He told me yes, so I ask what it is. He told me he couldn't tell me. I said, "oh is that because it won't come true?" He told me he couldn't tell me because it was dirty. I finally pried it out of him and what he wanted was a blow job. I told him maybe he could get one when his girlfriend came back and he didn't seem to think so. I said that was a shame because I actually didn't mind giving them (I know, but I couldn't help it). And he said, "damn it, don't tell me that!"

I eventually went home and left the Big Bad Wolf and the other guy still drinking. I got up the next morning and noticed that I had a text message. I figured it was from the New Yankee but it was from the Big Bad Wolf. It said, "where's the bj?" I sent one back informing him that it wasn't his birthday anymore. Thankfully he found that highly amusing and we went on with life.

This past Wednesday as I mentioned in my previous post, we were walking to our cars and he said, "can I ask you a question?" I told him sure. Then he says, "would you ever consider giving me what I asked for on my birthday?" Yeah I was speechless for a full minute trying to decide how to answer him. So I told him that I didn't get involved with people in relationships and he told me that he didn't expect anything but was just asking because he wanted to know (okay slightly weird). Then I told him if the situation were different I'd have to heavily consider. Then we both said, "see you tomorrow" and got in our cars and left.

Amazingly enough things weren't really weird between us the next day in class, but I have to wonder what the purpose of him asking me that was. Did he really think I was going to blow him in the parking lot or was he just trying to find out if I liked him. Guys are so fucking weird...

Wild Eyed Southern Boys

2006-10-18T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well now that things are going in the right direction for me career/school wise, I'm in a much better frame of mind. I love school. I sound like such an asshole for saying that but I can't help it. I wish I'd found this calling a little earlier but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I was meant to be here at this time; no sooner, no later.

Things on the relationship front could be better. The New Yankee puzzles me. He says he really likes me but sometimes his actions could suggest otherwise. I'm not sure if he's unsure about me or just unsure about women in general. He could just be THAT clueless. He irritates the shit out of me on a regular basis and it seems like every time I see him face to face I have some new issue to bring up. The real kicker is when he told me that he can't sleep in the same bed with anyone.

Ummm, okay so Tommy Lee and I slept in the same bed together for months and he wouldn't fuck me and now I have the New Yankee who will fuck me but won't sleep in the same bed with me. I find this more than ironic. Can't I just have a guy who will do both? I don't think it's too much for a girl to ask.

Then I have the Big Bad Wolf in my culinary classes. He's smart, he's funny, he's adorable and of course he has a girlfriend. We've been hanging out outside of class, chaperoned by one of the other guys in our class. Okay so we're all friends and we go out for beers every so often. I love these guys, but the Big Bad Wolf and I definitely have a flirtation going on. I can't help it. I'm a bit of a flirt. LBG was here this weekend and she and T and J came out with me and the culinary boys. LBG totally says it's obvious that we like each other. Okay not good but I think it's true. Then tonight as we walked to the parking lot from class the Big Bad Wolf asked me a question that left ME speechless. This wasn't your run of the mill question and it took me a full minute to respond. I'm so confused...

Soul Kitchen

2006-10-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post but I have no time for anything anymore. I love culinary school even when it's a bitch. I totally think I've found my calling. I've had two classes so far and my lowest grade was an A. I'm a cooking nerd and proud of it.

Tommy Lee and I don't really talk anymore and that's okay because I knew it was coming to an end anyway. I'm sure things will still be cool then next time I go visit (whenever the hell that might be), but I guess we both needed to move on. I still think of him and miss him but it's a lot different now than it was even a month ago. Then I was still crying because I missed him so much.

As if I didn't have enough going on with school and my new job, I also have a new boy. I met the New Yankee my first week here in Charlotte at his birthday party (he's a friend of my cousin). He's so sweet I honestly didn't know how to react to him at first. He likes rubbing my feet too which is always a good thing in my book. So far things are going really well with us and it seems to be a much more adult relationship than I've had in quite some time.

So there you go, a very quick recap of my life this last month. I'll try to get better at posting, but if I don't, please excuse me as I'm attempting to make ALL of my dreams come true.

Hope everyone in blogland is happy and well!

Back to School

2006-09-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've been busy since my last post. I left Alabama and cried the whole way. I felt sorry for myself for a day or two. I mourned, I cried, I drank a lot of Highlife. Then I had to get the fuck over it because I had too much to do before the move.

Now I'm officially in Charlotte, I have an apartment and I started class Tuesday. I'm busy and exhausted but all is pretty good. My furniture comes tomorrow so this is my last night on the air mattress. Oh and I got my cable hooked up this morning before class and the cable guy REALLY hooked me up. I'm getting like 60 or 70 channels for $10 bucks a month! Yea cable guy!

Oh and Tommy called me Wednesday to check on me and see how I was doing. It made my night and wrecked it all at the same time, but I didn't cry so I'm improving.

Once I get my furniture moved in and hopefully get my computer up and running I'll write more. Need to get to class.

Goodbye to You

2006-08-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Alabama for a few days saying my last good-byes and tying up a few loose ends. I won't be coming back for quiet some time once school starts. I find it kind of fitting that I came back when I did because I realized that Saturday was the one year anniversary of my first date with Tommy Lee. When I go back and read my blog entries from that time, it's pretty surreal. I never thought by accepting that dinner invitation that I would end up where I am now. And for all intents and purposes, where I am isn't too bad.

Before Tommy, I was scared to death of getting my heart broken, to the point of not dating at all. I'm still not sure what made me say yes to him because he wasn't anything like what I was looking for. I'm so glad that I listened to the voice in my head and said yes. For all the bad things that may have come about or however crappy the situation made me feel at times, I think all in all he was good for me. Believe it or not, he taught me a lot about myself. One of the most important things being, that I did get my heart broken and I'm still alive and kicking. I will live to love another day.

I know Tommy and I are at a point where we're friends again, but I can't help but feel like when I leave here tomorrow that I'm closing that chapter of my life. I'm not saying that when I leave I will stop missing him or thinking of him, because I won't. I think I will carry him with me always because he has meant so much to me, but things are never going to be the same. I still don't think he's completely forgiven me for leaving and maybe I can't quiet forgive him for not loving me enough to make me want to stay. As someone very wise once said, "it is what it is", and Tommy and I certainly can't be more than that.

I thought it was only fitting to include this photo of Tommy and me during happier days. This is my favorite picture of the two of us because it isn't staged, we aren't posing. We didn't even know anyone was taking our picture. I think it's a tender moment we're sharing that someone just happened to capture. And I'm so glad that they did.

Free Fallin'

2006-08-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

Today I've felt a mix of nerves and excitement. I can't say it's a pleasant sensation for me but I think it's one I'm going to have to get used to considering the turn my life is about to take. I'm starting to get a bit nervous and frankly a little scared about all the changes that are about to happen. I'm going back to school at the ripe old age of (almost) 30 to (hopefully) begin a new career as, well, I don't know yet.

I guess I'm starting to get a bit freaked out at this vast undertaking. I can't claim to be a big risk taker, cause I'm not, and I think this is possibly the biggest and most expensive risk I've ever taken. On the one hand, I think this is a good thing because I hope it will allow me to be truly happy in my career, but on the other I'm terrified that I'm making a huge mistake. I guess if you knew how things would turn out then they wouldn't be called risks, but like I said I'm not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I find comfort in security.

I'm not so much worried that I won't do well in school. I think I'm going to be a much better student this time around and I still managed to graduate from a very tough program the first time. I just think the enormity of this complete 360 is beginning to sink in. I'm leaving everything I know behind. I'm leaving security, companionship, comfort, a social life, even love (how ever fucked up it may be) to take a gamble on myself. I just hope in the end it turns out to be worth it, but I just keep reminding myself that ultimately I'm worth it.

The Will to Live

2006-08-08T22:56:00.000-05:00

Okay so things are pretty much progressing smoothly with the whole school thing. Orientation was good. I made a friend, found out some more information about my classes and got my schedule. I also got fitted for my "uniform" which was interesting. Needless to say I won't be winning any beauty contests in that outfit but I'm not going to culinary school to be beautiful. I got my first round of immunization shots (damn my arm is sore). I finally heard back from the financial aid people. The only thing that is giving me pause at this point is trying to find a place to live.

I'm too old to live in the dorms (not that I would want to anyway). I looked into an apartment complex reserved just for students but you have to live with 3 other people and share a common space, kitchen and bathroom. That would be fine if I was 23 but I'm not. I'm almost 30 and I have no desire to be Den-Mother to 3 overgrown teenagers. Apartments near the school are super expensive, but I also don't want to live too far away either, because between gas and parking I'll end up spending just as much. It's like a catch twenty-two. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. The cost of school is mostly covered by scholarships, grants and loans but it looks like I'm going to have to take out a private loan just to pay for some digs. I just hope I can nail something down soon that fits my criteria: close to school, reasonable rent, safe. That may be a tall order...

Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)

2006-08-03T10:10:00.000-05:00

Okay so my intense rambling of last night was a little unwarranted. I found out this morning that it's all going to be okay. I was so worried last night that I wasn't going to be able to start school in September that it just completely did me in. Things are still on track though, so the worrying was for naught. I just couldn't help it. I guess now I know just how much culinary school means to me. 'Cause when I didn't think it was going to happen, it literally felt like a small part of me was dying. I'm still not wholly convinced yet so when I'm there for orientation tomorrow I'm going to double and triple check to make sure.

I guess for the time being I can just go back to being upset over Tommy. Yes I know we don't even live in the same state and he still gets to me. His band was in town playing a show last Tuesday night. He had called and asked me to come the week before but I hadn't heard anything from him since. My roommate and I got there not long after they'd taken the stage. After the show we hung out waiting for the band to appear. Finally Tommy emerged and noticed me after a bit. He seemed really pleased that I'd come to see them. He immediately came over and didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.

In fact not long after he sat down with me, he wanted to know if he could stay at our house. I told him he could. My roommate left and so did the rest of Tommy's band. Then the two of us (at his insistence) got completely trashed and had to take a cab home. We stayed in bed the whole afternoon watching movies like the old days (well that and we had to wait for my other roommate to get off work and take us back to our cars).

After he left to go back to Alabama, I wasn't upset at all. I'd had so much fun with him, there was no drama and I'd gotten the one thing I'd wanted with Tommy; just one more night together with no bullshit. And no we didn't have sex. He kissed me at one point but that's nothing new. I kept that feeling for about two days after he left.

Then around Friday night the shit sank in. I started missing him like crazy and just feeling utterly alone. It is beyond me how you can live with two people and still feel completely alone, but it happens. It also didn't help that he kept calling me over the weekend either. I have a love/hate relationship with hearing from him. On the one hand he's my friend and I love that he calls me, but on the other when I'm wading through crap like that, it just makes me feel more alone and sad. I kept tearing up at random points through out the weekend and finally on Sunday, LBG put in Felicity and I just let it all out and really cried.

This whole business with school has certainly taken my mind off of Tommy the last day or so but I'm sure it will come back. I don't want to stop seeing or talking to him but I do want these crappy feelings that it brings about to go away. I know I'm nursing a bit of a broken heart but it needs to hurry up and heal faster. Maybe Charlotte will be far enough away for that to happen.

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

2006-08-03T02:56:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. Too much running through my head to sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I just can't.

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your little spirit just got the shit kicked out of it? Yesterday (technically since it's 4 a.m.) was one of those days. I like to think that I've handled all the crap life has thrown at me lately, fairly well, but something happened that is threatening to undo everything. I'm hoping things will work out in my favor, but at this point I don't know if that's possible. I know I have to pick myself up and move on, but right now I just don't have the strength to do anything more than huddled on the ground and cry.

I know I'm being extremely dramatic right now, but to me this is pretty fucking dramatic. In fact, right now this is my everything...

My Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)

2006-07-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

About three weeks went by and I never heard from Tommy. I cried everyday of the first week I was in Atlanta and I missed him terribly. I was so upset because of the way things were left between the two of us. I thought of him at least once every day. I finally went back to Alabama to get some more of my stuff and decided not to give him any advance warning. CAT knew I was coming but I told her to keep it under wraps. I showed up at "the bar" on a night I knew he'd be working.

He was polite when I came in and asked how I was. He wasn't rude but he was treating me like someone he barely knew. I was there to have fun with CAT and yet I couldn't completely enjoy myself because Tommy was acting so oddly towards me. It just made my heart ache even worse than it already did.

Before I left that night I did give him the photo album I'd made for him and he thanked me. He even gave me a hug. Things still didn't feel right though. I spent the rest of the night (after CAT went home) talking to the drummer in his band about every thing that was going on with Tommy. This is why I love the Drummer Boy so much. He patiently listened to me and comforted me all night. He told me that Tommy really did love me and he was being a dick because he was upset that I left. Drummer Boy also told me that even though it was obvious that we loved each other very much, we could never be together. Yeah tell me something I don't know.

I eventually went home. Before leaving "the bar", I hugged Tommy bye and told him that maybe the next time I was in town he could act like he actually knew me.

The next day I was still in Alabama when CAT got off work. I met her at "the bar". We were hanging out for a while and eventually Tommy came in. He spoke when he came in but sat down at the other end of the bar. After what seemed like an eternity, Tommy finally decided to come sit down beside me. We sat there for a while making idle chit-chat when he finally brought up the day I left. He informed me that I never called him to let him know when I needed him to help me move.

So thus began our heart to heart talk sitting at "the bar". We were finally just honest with each other. He did ignore my phone call the day I moved because he was pissed at me. He found out about the Young Republican literally before I'd even made it back to "the bar" that night. How he found out so quickly I'll never know. I had to counter with the fact that he and I had been hanging out together plenty of times and he'd leave with some girl and go do God knows what with her and then come back in the bar and end up going home with me later. I pointed out that I never got upset (okay I never let him know I was upset) about it and never said a word about it. His excuse was that everyone expected him to be a dick and do things like that but he didn't expect it of me. Yes I called bullshit on that. If he can do it so can I.

Anyway he admitted that he was being a dick because he was upset that I was leaving. I told him that the only reason I slept the Young Republican the night before I moved was because I was hurt that he was being a dick. Then we both told each other how much we had missed the other and that we'd both acted like asses because we were both hurt. Imagine that, the truth actually made everything better. After our big old chat fest everything felt much better. Things felt as normal as they could considering the situation now. I left to come back to Atlanta still missing him but not nearly so miserable about it. Things were right in the world of Carlotta and Tommy once again. Now he calls me every week or so just to see how I am and I like that we can still be friends.

On to the best part of me moving to Atlanta. I finally found my direction. On a whim I contacted a culinary school here in town and went to an open house that they hosted. I had a great time and got really excited about the thought of pursuing that dream. I did some checking into some other culinary schools in the southeast. After visiting another school, I decided that it just felt right and that I should go for it. So I applied to the school and Monday I got my acceptance letter! I'm off to Charlotte in roughly a month to start culinary school. I literally can't wait. I honestly can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. This just feels like what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sweet Home Alabama

2006-07-20T00:34:00.000-05:00

I know this update has been a long time in coming, but so much has been going on in my life since my last post. I finally left Alabama. Yep, I'm officially no longer an Alabama resident. You know if all of this had happened 2 years ago I don't think it would have been nearly so hard for me to leave. I still would have missed CAT and some of the other people I'd met there but I think it would have been easier to leave. I'm not saying that I wish the last 2 years hadn't happened though. As much as it hurts, I wouldn't trade the experiences that I've gained for anything. And now for the finale...

Tommy Lee and I managed to make it through my last weeks in Alabama relatively well, that is until the time came for me to actually leave. I had such big plans for my last official night in town. CAT and Tommy were both working at the "the bar" that night so I was going to get all dressed up and go hang out with my favorite people in town. I stopped by "the bar" Saturday afternoon because CAT had the afternoon shift to hang out with her a bit and work on my going away gift to Tommy. I'd gotten together all of the photos I could find of the two of us and/or some pictures from times we'd hung out and put them into a photo album along with the lyrics to some of my favorite Rolling Stones songs. Sweet, aren't I?

So I'm finishing up the photo album when a bachelor party comes rolling in. These were some fun and rowdy guys. Every time they bought a round of shots, they bought me one. Those are the perks of being the only girl sitting in a bar. So of course I got a little happy. Eventually the bachelor party leaves and I'm sobering up to go home. I sit there so long that Tommy Lee comes in for his shift. Guess what? He's being a complete and utter dick! So I get upset and go home.

Once I'm home I get all gussied up in a new, hot black dress and strappy, black heels. The make-up is good and the hair is rockin'. I got all dressed up because I wanted to go out with a bang but also because I wanted to look pretty for Tommy. I go back down to "the bar" dressed and ready to kill. As soon as I walk in everyone tells me how nice I look, everyone that is but Tommy. He walks by me and all I get is a surly "Hey". I hang out long enough to see that things aren't going to improve on the Tommy front. Since I don't want to be miserable for the rest of the night I decide to go wandering for a bit, so I wander on over to the other bar.

I run into a few people I know and tell them that I'm leaving and say some good-byes. Then I see the Young Republican across the room. I walk over to him and we start chatting. It turns out that it's his birthday. He shows me his t-shirt which reads, "It's my birthday, buy me a beer" on the front. Since it's his birthday and it's my last night in town, we decide to have a drink together and celebrate. One drink turns into two and we're flirting like crazy with each other. Eventually we part ways to go and talk to other people but we keep catching each other's eye across the room and doing the whole smiley/flirty thing.

At some point I run into him as he's coming out of the men's room and I'm going to the ladies room. When I come out he's sitting on the stairs waiting for me. I go over and he pulls me towards him. He kisses me. We make out a little (we're in a somewhat private area so it's not like we were at the bar), then he shows me the back of his shirt and it says "sleep with me, it's my birthday". I ask if he's had any takers and he tells me that he hasn't had any since the last time we hooked up.

I'm a little drunk, I'm upset over Tommy Lee and the Young Republican keeps telling me how pretty I look and he keeps kissing me. So I thought, "What the hell?" and agreed to give him the requested birthday gift. We continue to make out in the stairwell for a few minutes then he asks me if I have any protection and of course I don't because I don't normally leave the house with the intention of getting laid. He doesn't have any either so he has to go and find some. Eventually he comes back and grabs may hand. He takes me upstairs to where the office and a performance area are. Yep like some trashy teenagers, two almost 30 year olds had sex upstairs at a bar on a stage. As trashy as it was, I have to admit that it added to the excitement of the whole thing.

After the rendezvous was over we came back downstairs to an empty (with the exception of the staff) bar. It was well past closing time! Of course everyone knows what we've been doing upstairs. I probably would have been more embarrassed if I hadn't been moving the next day. Instead I waved to everyone and the Young Republican walked me back down to "the bar". He kissed me good-bye and we parted ways. I walked back into "the bar" and immediately everyone wanted to know where I'd been all night. Ummm....

Finally CAT is ready to leave and she's taking me home. Tommy said he'd help me move a few weeks before when I asked and though he was still being a dick, asks what time I'm planning on getting started the next day. I tell him I'm not sure and suggest that he just come home with us so he'll be there when I need him (okay so I was really trying to salvage my last night in town with him). He offers the lame excuse that he has something to take care of in the morning and can't. It's obviously a lie. I leave the bar with no particular fanfare.

I wake up with a raging hangover the next morning and still have basically everything to pack. I get up early and pack up as much as I can. The time comes to give Tommy a call and I do. It rings and rings, eventually going to voicemail. I call him a few minutes later and the same thing happens. I can feel it deep down in my gut that he's looking at the phone, sees that it's me and just doesn't want to answer.

I left Alabama that day to embark on my new life without so much as a good-bye from Tommy.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2006-06-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wish that I had a heart of stone but I don't. I've been called emotional; hormonal even. It's times like these that being a big ol' ball of love sucks.

You guys were right, Tommy and I did make up. We didn't speak for roughly a week after the blow out and then when I came into the bar again he kissed me and said "welcome back". What ever the hell that meant. I never did get a decent answer out of him as to why he got so pissed off at me. We were both pretty drunk when it happened so I'm sure that didn't help. After we kissed and made up things went back (pretty much) to normal. Tommy was staying over at the house again. We were hanging out. We were having our special conversations. Unfortunately it just couldn't last.

I think things are officially done. I apparently made the one mistake you can never come back from with Tommy. I told him I was leaving. I don't think he's used to being left. He's the one who usually does the leaving. I know because he's told me countless stories that ended with him just picking up and taking off.

A few days after I told him, I was driving us home because he was drunk (as usual). On the way home he pops in a Stones CD (nothing unusual about that). You Can't Always Get What You Want begins to play as we get close to the house. We pull into the drive and we're sitting in the car. All of sudden he turns to me with tears in his eyes and says, "You're moving away from me." I told him I wasn't moving away from HIM but that yes I was moving. Then I asked him if he really wanted me to stay. He replied, "I want you to do what's best for you". I told him that I was and that's why I had to go. At this point we're both crying in the car listening to that damned song. Now I cry every time I hear it...

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

2006-05-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

Make up, break up, make up, break up. This time I think we're broke. Unfortunately I don't have time to go into it right now. Suffice to say that I'm not sure Tommy and I are going to make a comeback from our latest feud. I've fought for him on more than one occasion and I've always won, but I have no idea how to fight HIM for him. I'm frankly down right heartbroken...

A Whole New World

2006-05-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

I'm all over the place so please just roll with it. First and foremost, in case you were wondering, Tommy Lee and I have kissed and made up. Yeah, like you're really surprised. By the time we got around to talking things out I was tired of being pissed off anyway so there you go. I'd spent the better part of a week being miserable about the whole thing (I even cried for fuck's sake) and I just didn't feel like being miserable any more. Plus, like I said we did talk and both of us had some apologizing to do. Me for not letting him explain himself and just getting pissed right off the bat and he for several other things (like being a mean, stupid boy). Thursday night after he got off work, we had breakfast, talked and then went home to watch a movie.

Friday night Tommy was working again and I happily was sitting at the bar getting free drinks from The Dr.'s Son (who himself is a lawyer). He was hesitant to talk to me at first because he thought I'd be mad that he didn't call me. If I got pissed off every time a guy didn't call me I'd stay pissed off. So anyways we started chatting again and had a very nice time. So nice in fact that I went with him to feed his parent's dog (they were out of town). His family is fucking loaded. His parents (no he doesn't live with them) have a gorgeous old house with beautiful furniture and count 'em two tennis courts. He's showing me the upstairs and I'm glancing at the family photos on the walls (some formal and many informal) and there looking back at me is Jimmy Carter. We're not talking about the posed hand shake kind of photo here. I'm talking like a family picnic and Jimmy was there kind of photo. Bizarre... And yes we did make out on his mama's very nice leather couch and no he hasn't called me. According to my book, he's just not that into me. He's a mean kisser though and cute as all get out so I may just have to be a little slutty and pursue this a little further. After we departed from his parent's house I went back to the bar looking for CAT and ended up taking Tommy Lee home with me again.

Saturday night I had to work and Tommy's Rolling Stones cover band was playing at "the bar". I dropped him off at his house on my way to work. That night as they were playing, Tommy who is the lead singer, said "Now we're going to play more of a country type song. This one goes out to the lovely barback (that would be me)." Then the Lords of Altamont launched into Dead Flowers. I LOVE that song and when the Stones played it at the concert in March, I called Tommy so he could listen to it. I have to admit that melted my heart a little bit.

Tommy hung around until I got off work and then, yep you guessed it, went home with me. We sat in the kitchen and he rubbed my feet and we laughed and we talked about a lot of things. These are my favorite times with Tommy Lee. One thing we discussed is that he's stupid, crazy in love with me (and yeah I love him too). Oh, like you people didn't know that already. Even though it was nice to have my suspicions confirmed it also made me kind of sad. I think it's sad to love someone you can never be with and there's no way we can be together. We both know it. That's just how the world works sometimes, I guess. The Beatles were wrong, love isn't all you need and at least we're smart enough to realize it. He told me that I am destined for much bigger and better things in my life and he wasn't going to be the asshole that held me back. I can't argue with that. So we are what we are, whatever that may be and I guess that just has to be good enough.

He stayed Sunday night as well. He went home and slept in his own bed Monday night. Tuesday he called and asked me to meet him at "the bar". We hung out there for a bit then decided to go home and watch a movie. We stopped at the grocery store for a few things on the way and while I was in line he pumped a few quarters into a gumball machine and got two very lovely matching heart rings. I have one. He has the other (and yes upon last visual inspection we were both wearing them). He stayed Wednesday night too. I took him home around two o'clock today and promptly high-tailed my ass to Atlanta. I needed a Tommy break and LBG and I had plans.

The one thing I'm a little sad and confused about, is that after our talk Saturday night, or in the wee hours of Sunday morning, is that the snuggling and affectionate kissing has all but stopped. I don't really know what that's about. On the one hand I want it back and on the other maybe we're both just trying to create some distance before the real distance happens. I feel very strongly that I need to get out of Alabama and part of the reason is to get away from him, but he's one of the people that I will miss terribly.

This brings me to something else that I've been dealing with as of late. I've decided to postpone school for a while and "find myself". If I got into all the schools that I'm currently researching (all for very different things) I still don't know which course of study I would choose. I've spent way too long in a profession that I hated to do it all over again. I'm going to take some time and try and explore some of the avenues that I know little to nothing about. In the end this is the only way that I think I will make the best decision about my future. I broke the news to my parents about my delaying school and they were really supportive about it. It wouldn't have changed things if they hadn't been but I certainly feel better knowing that they think I'm doing what's best for me right now. For the first time in my life I don't know where I'm going or even what in the hell I'm doing, and it's scary, but I'm looking forward to it.

Miss You

2006-04-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them. This has been my mantra for the last few days.

I have now started to work at "the bar" part time. I guess that's probably no big surprise to any of you. I spend enough time there, so why not work there? My first day was Saturday and I was bar-backing (washing dishes, cutting up fruit, emptying ash trays, stocking beer, lugging ice buckets up stairs, etc.) Sounds glamorous doesn't it? Well it's a job at this point and I'm hoping that they will train me as a bartender, eventually. I figure that's not a bad trade to have, especially since I'm going back to school. Okay back to my story. So I'm working my happy little ass off and in walks Tommy with Courtney Love. Do you remember Courtney Love? She's the sweet little thing that took it upon herself to come get in my face about Tommy one night. Yep, that's her.

It took him forever to get rid of her the first time around and now here he is just bold as brass, walking in with her (and she was wearing one of the band t-shirts that I had to sell). I was so pissed I couldn't see straight. I know what he does in his spare time and that's fine. He's my friend and his slut bagging isn't really my business so I don't usually comment on it. But Courtney Love is a completely different matter. This chick HATES me and she's clingy and she likes to keep tabs on him. This means she could seriously cut into my Tommy time. People may not understand it, but I enjoy my Tommy time.

For those of you who don't know me personally, I don't hide anger well. When I'm pissed EVERYONE knows it. They know because I get this look on my face and I just stop talking. The silence is the biggest tip off. So obviously Tommy knew I wasn't happy. He comes up to me and says, "Man I'm hungover today". To which I replied, "That's usually what happens when you drink too much, among other things apparently." Yep I'm a bitch. So he keeps trying to talk to me every so often and I'm just not having it. Eventually they leave.

Thank God the night got better. Yes I worked my ass off, but two cute boys that I'd met the night I was selling t-shirts came back in. Oh so cute and they flirted with me all night. One of them even asked for my phone number (not that he will call, but at least he asked). On a not so chipper note, Mr. 40+ came in hammered. I've never seen him this drunk, ever. He was down right pitiful. Then he preceded to profess his undying love for me and beg me not to leave town. Okay whatever.

So Sunday I don't hear from Tommy. Monday I don't hear from Tommy. I had to go to "the bar" to talk to my new boss Monday evening and of course he had to walk in while I was there. We really didn't say anything to each other at first. Then he kept trying to engage me in light conversation. I would answer him but I was still mad so I wasn't extremely talkative. After a while he came and sat down at the bar and things just went from bad to horrible. We exchanged a few words and shortly there after he left the bar. I finished my beer and then called to tell him he could come back because I was leaving. He was walking down the street as I was leaving and ran into the middle of the street to my car. He asked if I had anything I needed to say to him and told him no, but I thought there were a few things he should say to me. Yeah I know, real smart, huh? Then he told me he'd have to think really hard about what those words should be and walked off.

A while later (after I'd gone home and gotten all dolled up) I went back to "the bar". The whole time I was there Tommy never said one word to me so I walked over to the other bar to find the Young Republican. I found him, but because of the mood I was in he just kind of rubbed me the wrong way too. I decided tonight was probably not the best night to invite him over for an encore. I did however sit there and precede to get hammered. My friend Abbey took me home. Once I was home I decided it would be a good idea to call Tommy. It was roughly 3:00 a.m. at the time. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message, thank God. Haven't heard anything from him.

I feel horrible. I feel like I'm covered head to foot in bad mo-jo. I just want things to be fixed and I don't really know how to fix them. I didn't come waltzing in with Courtney Love so why in the hell am I the one that feels so damned bad?

Day Tripper

2006-04-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm back for my weekly post, although I hope to get my computer back this weekend. Let me see if I can remember what has gone on since my last post. Oh last Thursday I went out with CAT and it was like Revenge of the Ex-Boyfriends. Her ex Soldier Boy was there and Mr. 40+ was there as well. We spent most of our time over at "the other bar" to avoid them (well mostly we were avoiding her Soldier Boy). Mr. 40+ actually came over to me and we had a pleasant little chat. After we got home that night my cell phone rang and it was Mr. 40+. I answered and he was really trashed. He told me how good it was to see me, blah, blah, blah and then he asked me if I wanted to come over. WHAT? I very politely declined and we got off the phone. That was just odd.

Oh and I did see The Young Republican Thursday night as well. It was all cool. We chatted and smiled and bantered. I think he had a very nice time the other night and got the impression he would do it again if given the chance. We'll see.

Friday I drove home to spend Easter with my family. On my way home, Tommy called and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him. I told him that I was on my way home so I couldn't. Later on in the trip Mr. 40+ called me because he noticed he'd called me last night and wanted to make sure he hadn't said anything out of the way. I told him about the conversation but I wasn't pissed or offended by anything he'd said so it was all good. Then came the inevitable discussion about what happened with us. I hate these discussions but if someone needs closure far be it for me to deny them. That sucks. So basically it boiled down to: Yes you did piss me off the last night we spoke. I got over it. I'm not holding a grudge. Just because things didn't work out doesn't mean I don't still like you. You're a wonderful person but you just weren't the right wonderful person for me. I would very much like to be friends. Sure you can call for a chat every so often. No I'm not dating Tommy Lee. At least it's done and over with and we (it seems) will be able to remain on good terms.

Sunday night Tommy called me to wish me a happy Easter. I think he actually missed me. Mr. 40+ called and The Cowboy called. I don't know what it was about Sunday but apparently I was on a few people's minds. I didn't talk to Mr. 40+ or The Cowboy so I don't know exactly why they called.

Monday I went to "the bar" to see Tommy's band. After a bit I wandered over to the other bar. Abbey and lots of his friends were there. The Chunky Guitar Player was there and we had a nice little chat. That's the first time we've really had a good conversation since that night he came home with me and we fooled around. He even cracked a joke about that night and apologized for never calling. It was good talking to him like that again because he's a sweet guy. Jello was also there but avoiding me like the plague. I'm just going to chalk that up to him being embarrassed about the marriage proposal. Hopefully he'll come around and if not, well who gives a fuck? The Young Republican was also working. He came by the table I was sitting at to say hello. So glad everything is cool with him.

After a while I went back to "the bar" and the band was packing up. Tommy asked me if I could take him home. I agreed. We left the bar and I turned towards his house and he told me, "No, I meant go home with you." Okay. So we went home and started watching movies. We stayed up all night snuggled on the couch watching movies. Once the sun came up we went for breakfast and somehow over breakfast a road trip seemed like a good idea. We ran home so I could change and off to Atlanta we went (I know it was only Atlanta, but it was a road trip none the less). Tommy lived in Atlanta for years and he wanted to show me where he grew up and the places he'd hung out. It was quite the interesting trip. I found out a great deal more about Tommy.

Of course this day excursion also involved bars he used to frequent. Needless to say, by some time early yesterday afternoon I was drunk. Very drunk. Of course so was he. Then he took me to a cemetery where one of his good friends was buried while I was super drunk. Neither one of us remember why but I started crying at the cemetery. It's been quite some time since I drunk cried so I guess I was due. I don't remember being pissed or all that sad so I don't know what was wrong with me. Tommy decided that I was crying for everyone who was forgotten in that cemetery. I think it sounds as good as anything else so I'm going to go with that.

After the cemetery Tommy decided I probably needed some food so we had an impromptu picnic somewhere on the lawn of an office building (I think). After that we went over to one of his friend's house for a cookout. It was kind of weird being surrounded by all of these people that have known Tommy Lee for so long. He told me a good bit about his past yesterday and I'm very glad that I got to know the Tommy he is now. I don't think I would have been friends with the Tommy he used to be. In fact I know we wouldn't have. I'm not saying he was a bad person but he's just a much better one now.

We came home last night and I fell into to bed. I was beginning to feel really ill from the lack of sleep and I'm sure too much booze. Day drinking is rough when you aren't 21. I'm so going to have to leave Alabama before too much longer or Tommy and I are going to end up in "The Betty" or at the very least he's going to end up broke.

Thanks for the addresses guys!

Crazy, Sexy, Cool

2006-04-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

Well I hope you're ready for a marathon update but a lot has gone on actually since and before my last post. I guess the biggest change in my life is that I was laid off March 31. Yeah I guess it sucks and all, but I hated that job more than life its self and now I have an opportunity to get my shit together and think about my future. I've chosen to see this as a positive time in my life, rather than woe as me, I lost my job. I feel better than I have in years. It's amazing what you can get used to and convince yourself that it's normal. Besides, losing my job gave me two whole days extra to study for the GRE. FYI: I don't have regular access to a computer anymore so that's the reason for my absence. I hope to be getting my computer back at home shortly, so keep checking in.

I guess now I'm moving onto the "Young and the Restless" portion of this post. I'm not even entirely sure where to start. The excitement started the Thursday night before I got laid off. I was hanging out at "the bar" with CAT, having our regular Thursday night. Tommy Lee was flirty. CAT's boyfriend's friend, Moose, was hitting on me pretty hard core. The Sugar Daddy was there with his brother and The Dr.'s Son was there as well. Now I've talked to The Dr.'s Son on several occasions as he seems very nice and I also find him attractive.

This particular evening, as Tommy worked behind the bar, I was sitting on my stool minding my own business (notice how often these things happen when I'm minding my own business) when suddenly The Sugar Daddy, his brother, Moose and The Dr.'s Son are all surrounding me. They start buying me drinks, which I of course except. The night wears on and finally it's just me, Moose and The Dr.'s Son remaining. The Dr.'s Son is flirting with me pretty heavily by this point and I'm flirting right back. Moose is hanging around in the background because he wants my number, but I had no intentions of giving it to him. The Dr.'s Son asks for my number and I totally gave it to him, because well, I would actually date him. The Dr.'s Son gets ready to leave for the evening and asks me to accompany him outside, so of course I go.

He kisses me in the parking lot (I know what is it with me and that parking lot?). He's a pretty good kisser so I go with it. I'm not sure how long we stood there but after some time a chick walking to her car comes up to us and asks, "are you Carlotta?" I tell her I am. Then she says, "Tommy doesn't know where you are and says you need to come back inside." I figure I'd better get my ass back in the bar because Tommy has been nice enough to agree to take me home. I exchange good-byes with The Dr.'s Son and he says he'll call me tomorrow. Yeah, I still haven't heard from him.

I go back to "the bar" and by this time Tommy has kicked Moose out and locked the door. Moose is hanging around on the sidewalk, I think waiting for me, but I'm not sure. Tommy sees me through the door, unlocks it and pulls me inside. Moose gets locked out again and Tommy refused to let him back in or me back out. Not that I was interested in Moose but I would have given him a ride somewhere. Tommy said he was driving me and himself home and he wasn't taking anyone else anywhere. For some reason Tommy was quite irritated with me and we bitched the whole way home because he can screw any skank he wants but he gets pissed when someone kisses me. Fair? I don't think so. At some point we must have made up though because I made him breakfast the next morning before he went to work. Sweet, aren't I?

The next night, Friday, I am now unemployed and sitting in "the bar". CAT is working, Tommy is working, and I'm just hanging out. Late in the evening, Jello comes in. Jello is Abbey's friend (Abbey is also friends with The Chunky Guitar Player, The Cowboy, The Young Republican and The Bartender {btw nothing ever materialized with The Bartender because that whole situation just kind of put me off and I haven't been going to the other bar much anymore}). Well Jello sits down beside me and he's drunker than Cooter Brown (I have no idea, it's just some odd southern expression). He starts to tell me how much he's always liked me and how gorgeous he thinks I am and how he would marry me tomorrow. Then he actually asks me to marry him and swears he's for real. He just wants to love me and take care of me until the day he dies. He kisses me about the time Tommy walks by so now Tommy is watching him like a hawk. Jello asks for my number and I give it to him, because well I've known him for ages through Abbey. Then he starts telling me how much he loves me and that he really would marry me. At some point Tommy overhears the wedding talk and starts being assy. He asks Jello if he can be a pall barer at our wedding. Jack Ass...

Then Jello starts quizzing me about guys. He suddenly remembers that I had a thing with The Cowboy. He wants to know if I fucked him. Then he asks the same about The Young Republican, The Bartender and Tommy. Who knew he was keeping up with me so well? I told him I hadn't slept with any of them, which is mostly true. Tommy and I attempted but from what I recall it was never accomplished. Jello leaves but asks me to call him before I go to sleep that night. I called him, even though I don't normally do that sort of thing, because I found him highly entertaining that night. He didn't answer so I left a message. I haven't heard from him or seen him since. Oh well. I just want to know what it is with me and Abbey's friends. Jello brings my total up to 5.

Tuesday (April 4) before my GRE the next day, Tommy took me to dinner and out for drinks. You know he really is quite sweet when he wants to be. Plus I needed to not think about that test for a few hours and Tommy was an excellent distraction.

Thursday afternoon I came back to Alabama from Atlanta (had to go to Atlanta to take the GRE). CAT, her boyfriend and I went out that night. Tommy was working and when they wanted to leave and I didn't, he offered to take me home. I accepted.

We got up Friday morning and picked up the new t-shirts for his band. Then we went to the mall, ran a few errands, then had a few beers and ate lunch. Tommy has taken it upon himself to teach me how to be unemployed. Apparently being unemployed means a good deal of day drinking. I don't really see how if you're unemployed you can afford to day drink but I guess if you've got a Tommy who insists on paying then you can.

Friday night Tommy's band had a show at "the bar". He asked me if I'd sell the new t-shirts at the show. I agreed. He told me if I sold 10 shirts he would repay me in a "special" way. Okay so I let slip that I thought I really should have sex proper before I vacated the great state of Alabama and how it would be convenient if I could just fuck him since we're already sleeping together, but since we don't do that I would just have to find someone else. At that point he volunteered himself because he was sure he didn't want me fucking anyone else. So there you go I pimped myself out for 10 t-shirts. Which I sold by the way. No small feat when the bar wasn't that crowded and they were $20 a shirt. I had fun selling the shirts though and I drank for free all night. Tommy actually had a "show date" that night but he sent her packing when he told her he just wasn't that into her. Then he went home with me. We made out Friday night but that was about it. I learned my lesson last time about drunk Tommy and he was so drunk he was staggering. He promised me that we had all day Saturday to make good on his offer.

Saturday we woke up and he had to leave to go pick up some keys from one of the guys in the band. I stayed in bed. While he was gone I promptly freaked out about the thought of sleeping with him. I wanted to have sex but I was worried that it would make things weird or ruin our friendship. I like things as they are between us. He finally got back to the house and on his way back, he stopped and bought me a surprise. It was a Rolling Stones DVD that I didn't own (see, sweet). So we watched the DVD and then he told me to get dressed because he was taking me somewhere.

That somewhere turned out to be little bar in another town that he'd helped to renovate. He showed me the whole bar. The family pictures on the walls, the framed Keith Richards interview, the deck he helped to build. We got there around 4 and of course we start drinking. We start talking to a few locals and some how or another we end up telling someone that we were getting married June 12 in Vegas. He ran with that story for the rest of the afternoon because we found it highly amusing. All the guys in the bar agreed that he was a lucky man and better treat me right. I was a prize after all and he better do what he could to keep me. One of them even told him he'd better buy me a ring so other men would know I was taken. That part especially cracked me up. Eventually we leave and head down to "the bar".

We hang out at the bar for a while. CAT is working, her boyfriend comes in with another friend of his. I'm kind of drunk by this time, because well, I'm not used to day drinking anymore. Tommy disappears for a bit and I've been talking to CAT's boyfriend's friend. He's a little drunk and ends up kissing me right there in the bar. I don't know why in the hell I let him, but I did. When it finally dawned on me that Tommy was somewhere in the building, I put a stop to it. It's not like he's my boyfriend, but he is my friend and that shit bothers him.

We went to dinner across the street cause I needed to sober up and I hadn't eaten anything but a spoon full of peanut butter all day. After dinner we went back to the bar. By this time Tommy and I were very snuggly. We were sitting on the couch together, he had his arm around me and we were kissing with I notice Mr. 40+ had walked in. I'm guessing he doesn't believe that Tommy Lee and I are just friends anymore. Oh well. We did speak very pleasantly to one another so hopefully there are no hard feelings. A while later Tommy and I went home. We curled up in bed and fell asleep watching a movie.

Sunday Tommy was hung over so we spent ALL day in bed watching movies. CAT went to get lunch so we just put in our order and she picked it up for us. We ate lunch in bed. She and her boyfriend cooked dinner that night and invited Tommy and I to join them. We didn't get out of the bed until 7:00 Sunday night. I know that's horrible but every now and then you need a lazy day. After we had dinner and watched another movie, I took Tommy home. It was the first night since Thursday that he wouldn't be spending with me. I kind of missed him. All I have to do is lay my head on his chest and I'm out like a light.

Monday night Tommy's band was playing at "the bar" again. I met CAT and her boyfriend out. They were making the rounds while I sat and watched the band. After a bit this guy comes over and starts talking to me. Next thing I know, he kisses my neck. Yeah back up Bubba. I'm like freak fly paper. After I finally get rid of this guy, CAT and her boyfriend are back. We walk across the street for a bit and when we come back the band is done playing. I sit down and start talking to Tommy and the guys. Tommy is pissed off about something (I hate it when he's in a pissed off mood). Of course he's been drinking so when I made some off hand comment he didn't like, he rips into my ass in front of the other guys in the band. This does not make me happy. Then he eventually goes and talks to this chick he knows and completely ignores me.

I sat there and finished my beer then leave without a word. I'm furious by this point. I was walking to my car, but I really didn't feel like going home so I by pass the car and go to the "other bar" where the Young Republican and the Bartender work. Abbey is playing there on this particular night so I know I'll run into someone I know. I walk in and the first person I see is the Young Republican. He standing at the bar so I walk up. He gives me a hug. Okay now we're hugging? WTF? I roll with it. I order a beer and a shot and we sit there and talk. After another beer and shot, he asked me how I was getting home. I told him I didn't know and he offered to give me a ride. I clearly didn't need to be driving. I accept and since I'll have to wait until they close down, I go and talk to Abbey and his girlfriend. Eventually the Young Republican is ready to leave.

He's flirting with me the whole way home. We get to the house and he leans over and kisses me. We start making out in his truck like the old days. I decide to throw caution to the wind and I invite him in. I can tell he wants to but he's struggling. We talk and I assure him that while I am a little drunk that I know full well what I'm doing, that I'm not looking to be his girlfriend or wife and I'm a short timer in Alabama. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was getting into but I knew. I'd decided about a week before that if Tommy and I couldn't sleep together, I wanted to nail the Young Republican. I guess our physical attraction had something to do with that but I also just wanted to see if I could. Maybe that was because of the way he dumped me. Anyways I finally reassured him enough that he came inside. We had a good time but I do wish it had lasted a little longer. The next morning he went home.

Yesterday, while I was fine with what went down with the Young Republican, I was still a bit out of sorts with the whole Tommy thing. After running my errands, I stopped by the bar on my way home. I wanted to see how the Tommy situation was going to play out. He eventually came in and things were indeed a bit awkward at first. After a few of the other guys I'd been sitting around with left, he came over and sat down beside me. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was a bit pissed that he'd been such an ass to me the night before. We talked about it and ironed everything out and he apologized. In the mean time I'd had a few beers and Tommy didn't think I needed to drive home, so he took me home.

Both of us were hungry so he grilled ribs and I took care of the baked potatoes and salad. I have to admit it was a damn fine dinner to be thrown together like it was. After dinner and yet another movie, I was preparing to take him home when he informed me that he was just going to stay if I didn't mind. That's when I informed him that I'd gotten him a toothbrush, hope he didn't mind. I dropped him off at work this morning and now here I am sitting in the library, typing this up, looking for jobs and checking out grad schools. I'll try to update a bit more frequently because I know the 10 page posts get a bit tiresome.

*Carrie, Erin and Jack; I had you guys saved in my favorites on my work computer and need your blog addresses again. If you could just leave them for me in the comments that would be great. Thanks!

School's Out

2006-04-05T23:36:00.000-05:00

Well kiddies there is much afoot in Carlotta's world but I did want to stop by and thank you all for the well wishes with the GRE. I studied my ass off and I think it managed to pay off. I don't think my score will end up in the record books, but it was over the required score for all the schools I'm looking into. Hopefully I won't have to take it again.

I'll be checking in as soon as I can, and Carrie I have a hell of episode of "The Young and the Restless" for you...

Good Day Sunshine

2006-03-27T15:36:00.000-05:00

Okay bear with me here, cause I don't necessarily think of myself as negative, though I'll give you cynical. I am what I am. Being that it's a Monday, and I hate Mondays, and seeing that I'm feeling especially optimistic and bright, it's a little off-putting. I'm trying to take advantage though.

I made quite the declaration at the beginning of this fine year and I'm trying to stick with it. There has been a time or two, when yes I got a little mired down in the muckity-muck, but I've done my best to shake it off and get back to the bright and shiny outlook. Well getting off my ass may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but believe me it is. I GOT OFF MY ASS! YEAH ME!

Okay a little explanation is in order. For, well almost two years now, I've had this love/hate idea with going to grad school. I've pretty much hated this job since I started it 6 years ago and haven't had much luck in locating another. Well then it became clear that I really had no interest in continuing with this line of work and one thing led to another and I came up with grad school. In order to get accepted to grad school, any grad school, I of course have to take the GRE. I've been putting off the GRE for a little over a year now. I suck at math and my "practice score" scared the hell out of me to the point that I've been petrified to take the damn thing.

I didn't relish the idea of my big, fat failure staring me in the face, so I've taken up residence in the "avoidance stage" of my psyche for quite some time now. I talking to the point where I bought a cottage and started renovations, point of avoidance. Well I think I just evicted myself from avoidance-ville. On April 5, at 12:00 pm EST, I will be taking the GRE. I finally decided that even if I failed (and as much as I HATE to fail at anything) that I just needed to do it and get it over with. If I completely bomb the damn thing then I'll just take it again (up to 5 times, once a month, until 2007 if need be). So for the next week and a half I'm going to be cramming my ass off! Wish me luck.

Listen to the Music

2006-03-22T15:42:00.000-05:00

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits:
"La Grange" ZZ Top
Waking up:
"Manic Monday" The Bangles
Average day:
"Summer Breeze" Jason Mraz
First date:
"She's a Bad Mama Jama" Carl Carlton
Falling in love:
"Feeling Love" Paula Cole
Love scene:
"I've Been Loving You Too Long" Otis Redding
Fight scene:
"Since You've Been Gone" Kelly Clarkson
Breaking up:
"You're No Good" Linda Ronstadt
Getting back together:
"Love You Madly" Cake
Secret love:
"Beast of Burden" The Rolling Stones
Life's okay:
"Groovin" The Rascals
Mental breakdown:
"Zombie" The Cranberries
Driving:
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" Marvin Gaye (it's my driving song cause I sing it at the top of my lungs and no one needs to hear all that but me!)
Learning a lesson:
"Never is a Promise" Fiona Apple
Deep thought:
"Colorblind" Counting Crows
Flashback:
"Tangerine" Big Head Todd & the Monsters
Partying:
"Raspberry Beret" Prince
Happy dance:
"Hip Shake" Robert Randolph and the Family Band
Regretting:
"Wild Horses" Rolling Stones
Long night alone:
"I Know" Jude
Death scene:
"Ruby Tuesday" Rolling Stones
Closing credits:
"Leaving On a Jet Plane" Chantal Kreviazuk

Dazed and Confused

2006-03-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

I know Lent has already started and I'm not even Catholic, but I'm thinking maybe I should give up men for a while. Lately they're taking up way too much time and effort when there are more important things I need to be doing/contemplating.

I finally got around to seeing the Bartender Thursday night. I don't know if it was because I didn't go out and see him Tuesday night or if he just has a short attention span, but he had absolutely nothing to do with me Thursday. He said hello and took my drink order then thanked me for his tip, but that was all he said to me. No chatting me up, no running over to smell me, no nothing. I give up trying to understand what in the hell all of that was about. I will never understand men so I'm just not going to try. It's not really that big of a deal because I wasn't that into him in the first place, but hell if I like you on some level and you flirt with me, I'll totally flirt back. I think I do it more so just to see what will happen.

Tommy Lee is also puzzling the hell out of me. Last Thursday he ended up staying the night. This happens from time to time if I need a sober ride home or he wants a comfy bed to sleep in (instead of the love seat at the studio). We sit in the bed and talk for a while, then when it's time to go to sleep we, okay I, put on my pajamas and he strips down to his underwear, then we crawl under the covers and spoon (always at his request) until we fall asleep. See no big deal and we aren't doing anything to breach our "we're much better as friends and don't need to be naked together" agreement.

Well Thursday night we come home, get ready for bed, watch a little TV and then get ready to go to sleep. At the point where he should be grabbing me and dragging me over to him, he turns his back to me and there's no spooning. We aren't even touching. WTF? I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, especially since I'd been so royally dissed by the Bartender. I needed some lovin' from Tommy Lee. When my ego's a bit bruised it's nice to have a man to lean on that you know cares for you and thinks you're funny/pretty/smart/cool. So anyway I go to sleep with no spooning.

Friday afternoon I get a voicemail from Tommy (okay Tommy almost never randomly calls me) and after blabbering on about something for a few minutes, he ends the message with "love you, bye". Huh? This is not a word we use. I know it's not like he said I love you, but still Tommy Lee has NEVER used the word love in that context with me ever before. I've heard him say it plenty but it's usually along the lines of "I think I'm in love with this chick who blew me Saturday night". I found it a little odd.

When I called him back later and he found out I was on my way to Atlanta for some St. Patrick's Day celebrations he said, "please be really, really careful". Again a bit weird. Then when we were getting off the phone he thanked me for last night and this morning. Um, unless I was completely out of it, I don't recall anything happening that he needed to thank me for. Then he made me promise I would be careful (again) over the weekend. It's like invasion of the Tommy snatchers all of a sudden. I'm so fucking confused...

Mary Queen of Arkansas

2006-03-17T11:49:00.000-05:00

Okay so finally on to the road trip...

LBG, J and I struck out early last Thursday morning, headed for Arkansas and The Rolling Stones. We were actually making pretty good time until we got to Memphis. Since we were doing so well time-wise we thought it would be cool to stop and eat lunch on Beale Street. In search of Beale Street we go. Now none of us have spent any time in Memphis and this was kind of an impromptu pit stop so we had no idea where Beale Street really was. We have an atlas and that's pretty much it. I'm driving and J and LBG are navigating. Somehow in our search for Beale Street, we managed to cruise the worst parts of Memphis. I liken it to a third world country. I had no idea that Memphis, for the most part, was so impoverished.

So after attempting to follow signs to Beale Street, crossing the Mississippi Rivier four times (yep, I said four and for the record we were laughing hysterically the entire time) and giving up, we passed Beale Street on the way to picking up the interstate that would get us to Little Rock. Since we happened upon Beale Street, even after wasting an hour looking for it, we still decided we had time to stop and eat. Just picking some random place, we rolled into The Pig on Beale (Pork with an Attitude). We all ordered barbecue sandwiches and onion rings. The food was pretty awesome. Some of the best onion rings I've ever had (although I think the ones from Chips in Dallas are just a little bit better, but it's almost like comparing apples and oranges, but I digress). After we eat it's back on the road.

We pull into Little Rock just before 6:30 p.m. The concert starts in roughly an hour. There's a mad dash to get ready and by the time we finally get to the show, having to stop for a big ol' beer before we find out seats, we'd missed just a bit of the opening act. Since Merle Haggard was the opener and I'm not all that familiar with his music, I wasn't too broken up about. He wasn't bad though. After the opening set, we decided to go in search of liquor, 'cause the beer just wasn't gettin' it.

We finally find the "cocktail bar" and wait in line FOREVER. Thankfully they allowed you to order a double and they were pretty strong. We made it back to our seats before The Stones took the stage. It was an awesome show and I got to see them perform several songs I'd never seen live. I got especially excited when they launched into Dead Flowers. It's one of my absolute favorites! Here's the set list:

Jumping Jack Flash
Let's Spend The Night Together
It's Only Rock'n Roll
Oh No Not You Again
Dead Flowers
Back Of My Hand
Tumbling Dice
Midnight Rambler
Night Time Is The Right Time --- Introductions
This Place Is Empty (Keith)
Happy (Keith)
Miss You (to B-stage)
Rough Justice
Get Off Of My Cloud
Honky Tonk Women (to main stage)
Sympathy For The Devil
Start Me Up
Brown Sugar
You Can't Always Get What You Want (encore)
Satisfaction (encore)

The next day we decided to explore Little Rock. We ended up down at the river front area near the Clinton library (damn there go my Democratic tendencies again!). After lunch at The Underground Pub, J went to the library and LBG and I (in typical fashion) poked around the neighborhood and shopped. The River Market there on the Arkansas River was so cute. There were lots of different types of food vendors representing. Almost like the food court in the mall, only way cuter, more authentic and with much better food. Next we went to the crafty people and both ended up buying bracelets made out of old typewriter keys. They were too cute to pass up. So after exploring the neighborhood and meeting back up with J, we paid 50 cents to ride a trolley from Little Rock to North Little Rock and back. That was the best 50 cents I think I've ever spent. The trolley ride was nice and informative (we didn't know it included a mini tour of the city) and the trolley driver was pretty fucking hysterical.

That evening we ventured out for dinner to the Cajun's Wharf. The restaurant was pretty cool (albeit hard to find, 'cause once again we got a little lost). They had a pretty happening little bar area with live music, which we enjoyed while waiting for our table. All three of us ordered seafood and after sampling each other's plates determined that everyone had some damn good food. In my opinion the food wasn't really Cajun in the traditional sense, but more like nouveau Cajun cuisine. Still it was very good and I was pleasantly surprised to get seafood that good in Little Rock.

After dinner we cruised back to the river front area to hit a bar or two. After wandering around for a few minutes, we finally settled on The Flying Saucer. It looked laid back, not too trendy, they had a live band and the cover was cheap ($2). After ordering our drinks, the only table we could find was right up front near the stage. We grab the table and settle back to listen to the band.

They were called The Crumbs and the band consisted of three guys playing bluegrass music. They didn't just play bluegrass though. They played modern classics but bluegrass style. Purple Rain a la bluegrass. Some other songs they played: You Can't Always Get What You Want, Cocaine, The Tide is High and The Joker. They were awesome and so much fun to watch. These guys were having a damn good time playing music. I wish we could have hung out long enough to catch the rest of their set, but we'd had a big day and everyone was ready to go back to the hotel and crash.

Saturday after breakfast at the River Market, we were getting ready to start the journey home when we ran into two of the guys from The Crumbs. It was nice to be able to tell them how much we enjoyed their show. Apparently they quite enjoyed having us in the audience as well. On the way back we decided to stop in Memphis again. (We were trying to decide if Memphis might warrant a weekend trip and we'd had Memphis barbecue, but not Memphis ribs). This time we decided to try the ribs at The Blues City Cafe. We were not disappointed. They were some of the best ribs I think I've EVER put in my mouth. So we can definitely agree that Memphis has good barbecue.

LBG and J dropped me off in Alabama shortly after 9 o'clock Saturday night. I think I can safely say that we all had a great time on the way to Little Rock. We had fun on the way back from Little Rock. That trip is best made with companionship because after Birmingham there's not shit until Memphis (unless you count the Tupelo exit) and after Memphis there's nothing until Little Rock. We were all surprised how much fun we had in Little Rock. I might like to (at some point) go back to Little Rock. And last but not least, when they say that Memphis has good barbecue, they ain't lyin'!

Smells Like Teen Spirit

2006-03-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

Okay I know I said I'd be filling you in about the road trip to Arkansas, but I had kind of a weird Monday night and it's my blog, so I figure I can do whatever I damn well please.

My friend Abbey who has up until last Monday night had a standard gig at "the bar" every Monday. Two nights ago, he calls me and tells me that he won't be playing at "the bar" any more but now he's decided to play at the other bar. The bar the Young Republican works at part time. He started working there not too long ago because his very good friend is the Bartender and part owner.

So anyways, I went to the other bar Monday to support Abbey. The Young Republican is there as well as several other people I know. The Young Republican does his little wave thing when he sees me. After a bit the Bartender comes in. He walks by me and squeezes my shoulder and says hello. I smile back.

Later in the night I'm going back to my seat after a trip to the bathroom and the Bartender (who is not working) stops me as I pass by him sitting at the bar. He tells me I look very pretty and that he loves my fashion sense. (Okay I have to interject, when did straight men get so comfortable complimenting a woman's sense of fashion? Nice to hear but it's a little odd.) I thanked him, gave him a hug and told him it was nice to hear things like that once in a while. When I hugged him, he smelled me. Then he complimented my perfume and asked what I was wearing. Then he asked if I was leaving and I told him no. He asked if I were still drinking and I told I was about to finish with my beer but that I had planned to get another one. We parted ways and I went back to my table.

Previous to my interlude with the Bartender, I finally went up to the Young Republican and told him he was aloud to talk to me and not just wave at me from across the bar. This waving business is bullshit and I wanted him to know that I thought so. After I called him out he would stop by and chat or "accidentally" bump into me, or stick his tongue out at me (hello third grade called and apparently they're missing a student). But I prefer the childish, playful behavior to the "waving from across the bar" crap.

I get back to my table after chatting with the Bartender and not 2 minutes later a beer appears in from of me. In another 2 minutes the Bartender comes over with another beer. Turns out some creepy dude sitting behind us bought me the first one and obviously the second one was from the Bartender. After a bit the Bartender comes back over and sits down beside me. The Young Republican is already sitting on my other side. Okay kind of weird. The Young Republican eventually has to go back to working. The Bartender again leans over and smells me and asks if I can come over and spray some of my perfume on his pillow so he can have sweet dreams (okay men are so retarded).

When I get ready to leave the Bartender insists that I go to eat with them at The Waffle House. It's late and I really need to get home but after some pleading and an offer to buy my breakfast, I agree to go. Once we leave the other bar, he then insists that I ride with him. Um, okay? Abbey and his girlfriend are already there. Then another friend of the group shows up and finally the Young Republican. We laugh, we eat, we drink coffee. Finally everyone gets ready to leave and as we're walking out the Young Republican sees I'm riding with the Bartender and doesn't look too happy about it. In fact when I told him good night he just keep walking without saying a word to me.

When the Bartender dropped me off at my car, I went to slide out and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards him. My brain is slightly freaking out at this point because I'm afraid he's going to try and kiss me. Instead he pulls me to him and smells me AGAIN! Then he tells me he just needed a "hit" before he drove home. I get out and tell him that he can smell me anytime since he seems to enjoy it so. At this point he says, "In that case, get your ass back in the car." I just laughed and opened my door. Before I get into my car he asked me what I was doing Tuesday night and I told him I had no plans. He tells me he'd like to see me but he's working so I should come by the bar and he'll buy me a drink. Then we say our good-byes and I leave.

Okay first of all, it felt like the Young Republican was flirting with me a little. Then I kind of felt like the Bartender was flirting with me a little. Then when I was sitting between them there seemed to be a little rivalry brewing, or as J said they were having a pissing match. When we got ready to leave The Waffle House the Young Republican didn't seem happy that I was leaving with the Bartender. WTF? So is the Bartender seemingly interested because the Young Republican got there first and is the Young Republican, who sent me packing, pissed off because now someone else wants to play with me? And don't guys have some kind of code about not going after a girl their friend was, well in the Young Republican's case, making out with?

Oh and an update on the Bartender front. I decided against going out to see him last night. One because I'm not really sure what's going on there and most importantly because my ass was asleep on the couch last night. He'd kept me out until 4:30 Tuesday morning and I was tired. Might drop by to see him tonight though.

Day Tripper

2006-03-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the much anticipated Little Rock Arkansas road trip. Why Little Rock, you might ask? Well because the Rolling Stones played the Alltel Area in Little Rock Thursday night. Yep, I (and J and LBG) hauled my ass all the way to Little Rock for the Stones. It was so worth it too. More to come on the trip later...

Rescue Me

2006-03-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

Once again Tommy Lee came to my rescue. Mr. 40+ and I got into it last night and he was being a complete dick. Tommy swooped in and saved the day by cheering me up. So when Mr. 40+ left "the bar" last night without saying a word to me and with someone else, Tommy and I preceded to do a few rounds of shots and then go home and laugh our asses off. You can see I spent a great deal of time mourning that relationship. At least I don't have to have the "you're a really nice guy, but just not my Mr. Right" talk with him. Last night was like a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card!

The Week (and a half) of Living Dangerously

2006-03-07T13:56:00.001-05:00

The last week and a half have literally been hell. It all started when I got dumped for my political views. Then that next night (Saturday), I spent in the emergency room with my roommate's daughter. She was attempting to open a bottle of soy sauce with her teeth when lo and behold the neck of the bottle breaks and she slices her upper lip open. To the tune of 9 stitches. The next morning (Sunday), I had to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to take my roommate to the Atlanta airport for her trip to Jamaica.

The next few days went fairly well. I played nurse to the busted kid, took care of the house and looked after the dog. Not too bad. Tuesday night my stomach started to feel a little funny, but I chalked it up to the macaroni and cheese I'd eaten. Wednesday morning I woke up for work and after walking and feeding the dog, realized I felt like utter shit. After several trips to the bathroom I called in sick for work. After some sleep, Ginger Ale and crackers I had to go to the Atlanta airport to pick up my roommate. I was prepared with several trash bags, Pepto, Ginger Ale and the Saltines. Thank God, the stomach virus from hell held off long enough to get to and from the airport.

Thursday I was still sick. Friday I was feeling a little better but very puny so I stayed home again to try and get my strength back. Friday night I was feeling the best I had in days but knew I didn't need to push my luck so I was going to stay in. I was bored as hell and tired of being in the house, but it was for the best. Sadly, Friday night was the highlight of my weekend. Tommy Lee found out I was sick and bored out of my mind, so he called and told me he was coming over. We sat around and watched movies and he drank beer and I drank my Ginger Ale. I had a great time (except for being sick and all). This is when I like Tommy best of all. When he's not "on", he's just being himself. Himself is a pretty smart, funny, caring guy.

Saturday morning I woke up expecting to feel 100% better, but I'd had a relapse. I stayed in bed all day feeling like absolute shit. I watched a movie, I cried, I got all melancholy. It sucked! I finally managed to drag my ass into the shower at some point after 8 o'clock that night and made myself put on make-up and go out to "the bar". I had to take CAT something anyway so I figured I'd at least get out of the house for a bit. I made it an hour and a half. I felt awful. I couldn't drink. I ran into the Cowboy. Which that actual turned out okay. He doesn't really bother me anymore so I can talk to him without getting angry. I walked over to the other bar with the Cowboy and Abbey. The Young Republican now works there part time. Of course he was working Saturday night and Abbey made a bee line to go talk to him. He kind of ignored me at first, then when he decided that he would eventually have to acknowledge me, he waved. I stayed at the other bar very briefly and then decided to go back to "the bar" say my good-byes and go home.

The Cowboy is kind of touchy feely anyway but because I was sick he was very touchy feely. Rubbing my back, hugging me, kissing my cheek, you get the idea. When I got ready to leave the other bar, he insisted on walking me back to "the bar". I told him I could walk the half block there just fine but he refused to let me go alone. He tells Abbey who is talking to the Young Republican that he's walking me down there and he'll be back. As the Cowboy and I are leaving, he wraps his arm around my waist. I happen to turn back and the Young Republican is staring at me and doesn't look happy. Then he launches into some conversation with Abbey and is motioning towards me and the Cowboy. At this point I'm out the door. I don't know what the fuck that was all about but I'm guessing being friends is out of the question. I was cool with that but to be friends means you actually have to be friendly. He wasn't very friendly to me Saturday.

I get back to "the bar", tell CAT about the Young Republican and go the hell home. Sunday was better. I felt a great deal better but I was still wiped out. So I laid around and watched movies all day. Then Sunday night while watching the Oscars, I talked to Mr. 40+. Some time during the course of our conversation he pissed me off too. I'm getting to the point where I feel like saying "to hell with him", as well. Maybe it's better that I'm just on my own again.

Politics of Kissing

2006-02-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

Friday night was interesting. I had the Young Republican at his bar and Mr. 40+ at "the bar" and I ran back and forth all night. It was killing my ass so I finally decided that I couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore. I went back to the Young Republican and started the conversation that I really thought it was much too early to have. Apparently he'd be doing some thinking about "us" as well. Ultimately he told that he thought we should just be friends because he could NEVER get over the fact that I'm a democrat! You know coming from anyone else I would call bullshit, but coming from him, sadly I know that it was the truth. The guy is serious about his politics.

There were other issues as well, like we don't really have all that much in common. This is true, we don't have much in common and it has been bugging me a little. He also said he had trouble with the fact that I don't own hiking boots and I wear heels all the time. Okay, WTF? So anyway we decided to be friends and that he's an idiot with issues. He admitted that. To paraphrase it was something like, "I know I have issues, I know I'm an idiot but I just don't think I can get over our big differences. I wanted to. I tried to. I really like you. You're hot. I'm more than attracted to you. You're a hell of a kisser, but I'm not dating just to date at this point in my life. I'm dating to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I could never marry a democrat." So there you go, he was looking for a Nancy and I'm so much more a Jackie.

I do find it more than slightly ironic that I got dumped for being a democrat, when anyone who knows me well can tell you that I'm not really all that politically minded. I voted for the first time in the last presidential election and that was only because George W. pissed me off about gay rights. I find politics kind of boring. Oh well it's all for the best. I really am okay with just being friends. I didn't go home and cry into my pillow. I'm just a little disappointed because the physical attraction was something awesome. Damn, I'm gonna miss those lips.

So after our talk, I went back to Mr. 40+, preceded to mainline JagerBombs and went home with him. No, I didn't fuck him. And I think I've decided that I don't want to be with Mr. 40+ either. It just doesn't feel right. So at the moment I'm down to one but I think soon I'll be down to none. I guess it's just feast or famine with me.

I Am the Body Beautiful (?)

2006-02-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

Although things have been going pretty well lately, I think I just fell in a sink hole. Last night I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. Off the mall I go with my "I'm Not Really a Waitress" in hand. I get my pedicure then I decide to browse a bit. I bought a cute new sweater and realized that I needed a new clear strap convertible bra. Knowing I won't wear this bra that often I bypass Victoria's Secret and go to the department store. The department store is having a huge sale in the intimate apparel section so I dig a little deeper. Eventually I find a few nightgowns and some bra and panty sets to try on as well. I mean I am spending time with two men so I'm thinking there might be naked time in my future. Gotta be prepared, right?

Into the dressing room I go. The clear strap convertible bra fits, one of the nightgowns is a keeper, then I get to the bra and panty sets. I try on the first one. The bra is really cute and fits well, but from there down it was just a disaster. I wish I could say that the panties were the problem but they weren't. It was me.

In clothes I think I'm cute/sexy/confident. I've worked hard to get to this point and I'm proud of my accomplishment. In clothes that I feel cute in, I could conquer the world. Strip me naked and I just want to hide. Loosing 100+ lbs has done odd things to my body. I don't like it. It's depressing. At this point I was really wishing I had a plastic surgeon on speed dial. There's no way I'm getting naked in front of anyone else. If I find it repulsive, I can't imagine what someone who doesn't love me as much as I do might think. I need to figure out a way to have sex with my clothes on or I don't see it happening ANY time soon...

Fairy Tale High

2006-02-22T13:40:00.000-05:00

Okay this might actually be the (second) greatest story ever told. Well it's my new favorite at least.

Friday night CAT was off work so she and I had a "girl's night out". We stopped by a bar earlier in the night to see a friend of hers, stopped by a friend's house and then eventually we ended up at "the bar". I ran into my friend Abby there and we had an interesting little chat about the Young Republican. Apparently he really had tried to call me and I really had given him the wrong number. I assured Abby that it was unintentional. Abby even tried to give him right phone number but at that point the Young Republican wouldn't take it because of Mr. 40+. Abby asked me if I was dating the "old dude" and I told him I hardly consider one date to be dating. Abby left with the promise that he would see what he could do and try to get the Young Republican to call me.

After my conversation with Abby I physically felt ill. I wanted to throw up and my hand was shaking. I gave CAT a recap of the conversation with Abby. She suggested I walk across the street to the bar the Young Republican frequents. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to see if he was there, but I didn't want to go running after him not knowing really where I stood. CAT offers to go over there and check things out for me. I agree and off she goes. Less than 15 minutes later the Young Republican is standing in front of me smiling.

My new favorite story is about what transpired between CAT and the Young Republican while I was at "the bar". Here goes....

CAT walks into the crowded bar and starts scanning the room. She walks around searching the crowd to see if he's there. She makes a few passes and not seeing him, decides to come back to "the bar". As she's making her way towards the door, someone pokes her in the side. She turns and seeing who it is says "Hey!". First words out of his mouth are "I tried to call her." CAT responds by telling him that I know he tried to call and I accidentally gave him the wrong number because I was drunk and it wasn't intentional. Then she tells him that she knows where I am. He asks where. She tells him across the street. He asks, "I should go?". CAT tells him he should go. Then she said he practically ran out the door.

After he found me, we spent some time getting to know each other a little better. We talked and kissed until 6:30 Saturday morning. As he was leaving he promised to call me Monday which he did. So that's where I am with the Young Republican. I'm still chatting with Mr. 40+ but I haven't seen him in a week. Oh and I'm not any closer to figuring out what I'm doing with either one of them.

Kiss the Girl

2006-02-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

I've been hanging out with Mr. 40+ a good bit this week because he was actually off work and in town. I even went to his house Tuesday for dinner. It was an intimate gathering of friends so it wasn't really romantic or anything. And it certainly wasn't romantic when I topped off the night in the bathroom with my head in the toilet. Apparently it isn't just RED wine, it's ALL wine. So yep I got trashed and threw up on our "second" date. I'm classy all right. Somehow he even found my drunk, sick ass charming. Go figure.

Mr. 40+ is a wonderful man. He's funny, smart, successful, kind, generous, open-minded, handsome, honest and domesticated. He's great on paper. He's everything I've ever said that I wanted. He's damn near perfect, except for one teeny, tiny little thing. When he kisses me it's nice, but that's about it. Shouldn't you get a little hot and bothered when a guy you like kisses you? And I do like him, I'd be crazy not to.

I mean my God, when the Young Republican kissed me I just wanted more. We were wet (from the rain, get your mind out of the gutter!), my hair kept getting in the way, sometimes we'd bump teeth, but we didn't care. It was like we literally couldn't get enough. Hell, my ears are getting a little hot just thinking about it now.

And I know that it was most likely lust in the driver's seat with the Young Republican. And I know lust fades and isn't grounds to build a relationship. Besides he hasn't called either. But I can't help but be slightly worried that the most I can say when Mr. 40+ kisses me is that it was nice. I guess what I'm really saying is that I'm not ready to write either one of them off just yet.

Especially since I ran into the Young Republican's friend last night and he told me (without me asking) the YR tried to call me Sunday but the number I gave him didn't work. Could be bullshit, could be not (we were both drunk, so it's hard to say). So instead of giving his friend the right number, I asked him to tell the YR that I was sorry about the number, it wasn't intentional and that if he was interested he should come find me and we'd try it again. Damn, I hope he finds me. Unfortunately I'm not any less confused than before.

Land of Confusion

2006-02-13T14:49:00.000-05:00

Even though last week was kind of crappy, I had one thing that I was looking forward to. Mr. 40+ was finally coming home after being gone for 2 weeks and he wanted to see me. He didn't get in until almost midnight Friday but instead of taking his tired ass home, he came out to the bar to see me. When he showed up where was I? Not where I should have been.

I came out to the bar earlier and ordered a glass of red wine (mistake #1). I was sitting there talking to Tommy Lee when some other friends convinced us to go to this other bar with them. So off we go. When we get there one of my friends orders me a glass of red wine and when I finish that one, another (mistakes #2 & #3). I'm tipsy when Tommy and I leave this bar to go back to our bar. CAT has kept my half glass of wine from earlier behind the bar and gives it to me when we come back in. As I near the bottom of this glass, Tommy Lee has her fill it up again (mistake #4).

Now on my fourth glass of red wine, my friend Abby comes in with some of his friends, one of which is the Young Republican. I've met the Young Republican a few times and for some reason think he's pretty foxy. The Young Republican actually starts to flirt with me a little. I'm a flirt so I flirt back. After I finish my wine, the guys ask me to go across the street with them to another bar. I go. Someone buys me yet another glass of red wine (mistake #5). The Young Republican and I sit and talk. It becomes pretty clear that he's interested and I tell him that I actually have to meet someone else later on. He keeps telling me to go and be with Mr. 40+ and I know I need to and I want to see him, but also I'm pretty happy being with the Young Republican too. Eventually I leave and go meet Mr. 40+.

I'm sitting there talking to Mr. 40+ in "the bar" and in walks the Young Republican. He comes up to me and refuses to leave until I give him my number. I'm drunk and admittedly not thinking clearly and I give him a number in plain sight of Mr. 40+. Yes, I know it was tacky and I feel horrible about it but I honestly just didn't know what else to do. After he gets my number he leaves. Mr. 40+ and I hang for a while longer and then he decides to head home.

As soon as Mr. 40+ had a 5 minute head start I went straight back over to the other bar where the Young Republican was. I know, really dumb move. He tells me how glad he is that I came back and we sit a talk. Eventually he leans in and kisses me (and no I'm not talking tongue here). Um, okay that was nice. Then he kisses me again very softly on the lips. At this point I'm a puddle of goo. He asked me to step outside because it was pretty obvious to both of us that we were totally going to do that again and neither one of us wanted it to happen in front of everyone. We go outside, it's cold, it's raining, but neither of us seem to care. We stand against the building and kiss for what seems like hours. He tells me I'm beautiful. He wants me to pick him instead of Mr. 40+. He's even perceptive enough to realize that I'm having a difficult time being here with him when I was just with Mr. 40+ (I don't juggle). I couldn't tell you the last time someone kissed me and there were fireworks, but Friday night I felt them. It was all so "An Affair To Remember" that I think I got a little too caught up in it.

CAT came to get me when she got off work so she could drive me home. I was still standing outside with the Young Republican with way too much PDA going on. I told him I had to go. He offered to take me home. I declined. He promised he be a "good boy". Again I declined. He let me go and told me he'd call the next day. I go home with CAT with stars in my eyes.

I wake up Saturday morning with a hangover. Mr. 40+ calls and confirms dinner that night. I get no call from the Young Republican. I know I should totally just chalk it up to: he saw a drunk girl that he found attractive and wanted to see if he could get some ass, but I can't stop thinking about him or that kiss. I had a great time on my date with Mr. 40+ which of course made me feel even more guilty that I couldn't get the Young Republican out of my head. I'm feeling like a complete nut job today. And I don't like it. Somehow I've just ended up feeling badly about all of this. God, I'm so not a playa.

I'd also like to give a shout out to Lizardbreath. I'm glad to know you're still reading and it's good to hear from you once in a while. I hope you and Kimmie are well.

Pain in My Heart

2006-02-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

I know I can only be responsible for myself and my own actions. What I can't quite figure out is how to keep the actions and decisions of those I care about from affecting me. I guess logically it shouldn't. Unfortunately my emotions aren't usually logical. Actually I'm not sure emotions can be logical. Isn't that what makes them emotions?

I care a great deal about what happens to the people I love. I want to right their wrongs. I want to take away their pain. I want to save them from dangers. I want to fix everything that is broken. More often than not, I can't. Even though I know everyone is responsible for themselves, I can't help but feel that I've failed in some way. When I can't right their wrongs, take away the pain, keep them from harm or fix what's broken, it isn't they who have failed, but myself. Failed them as a friend, failed as a protector, failed as a person.

Someone once told me that caring so deeply is a gift. It's also a burden. I cry when they shed tears. I hurt when they hurt. I loose sleep worrying for them and about them. Their failures are my failures. All of this weighs so heavily upon me at times that I wish I could just be numb to it. Wish I didn't care so much. Wish I could just look out for numero uno. All of the worry and protecting wears me down sometimes. I just wish I could close my eyes have a dreamless worry-free sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Roller Skating Child

2006-02-08T14:15:00.000-05:00

Here's one for the history books...

I've been in a not great mood for the last few days. I think it's been a combination of work, personal shit and the weather. Anyways in an effort to lift me out of my funk CAT suggested we get out of the house and do something low key and cheesy. We decided on bowling. Bowling is not something I do on a regular basis but it's fun if you're with a good group of people. We get to the bowling alley and discover it's league night and all the lanes are taken.

Not to be defeated CAT comes up with another plan. Apparently there's a roller skating rink just down the road so off we go. Yep, for the first time in at least 15 years I went roller skating last night. And I sucked but that's okay, 'cause at least I got out there. And I did end up having fun even after busting my ass twice. I wasn't a terribly good skater as a child so you can imagine what it was like last night. There was a five year old kid who could skate better than me. But hey I just got out there and went with the flow.

Designer Love

2006-02-02T14:35:00.000-05:00

Okay admitting it is the first step. I have an addiction. To a reality TV show. I never thought it would happen to me. I mean there was that one time that I dabbled in Joe Millionaire (purely recreational), but it was never a serious habit. I think we're now talking full on addiction. I'm obsessed with Project Runway. I love it so much, I will watch the same episode over and over and over again. I watched last night's episode 3 times!

I love to watch these talented and sometimes crazy people come up with this shit on the fly. Sometimes they kick ass and sometimes they don't but it's always interesting. Plus I have become completely smitten with one designer in particular. I want him to be my boyfriend (and yes I know he's gay). I don't just love him because he's cute, or hip, or completely stylish in his own unique way. I also love him because he comes up with some beautiful designs and he's so talented. I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. He's won more challenges than any of the other designers. I so hope he wins because he's just awesome. See I'm a full blown addict. God, I don't know what I'm going to do when I can't watch my new designer drug every week...

Chained and Bound

2006-02-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

Well I went against all "the rules" and called Mr. 40+ last night. I'm glad that I did. He seemed really happy and surprised to hear from me. I initially called him for a "quick chat" but instead we talked for an hour and a half. Again completely ignoring "the rules" per conversation length. About the only "rule" I did follow was I was the one to break off the conversation. Fuck "the rules"! I got a date by following my gut.

He's going to cook dinner for me next weekend. This weekend he'll be with his kids. I'm still not really sure how I feel about seeing someone with kids, but what can you do? I'm using the term kids here loosely by the way, because I know his daughter is 20 and I'm guessing his son is just a few years younger. I'm not sure if the fact that they're older makes things better or worse.

In other news I think things with Tommy Lee are getting a little strange. Saturday night I went over to the studio with him so he could show me a new poster he'd had made up for some of the upcoming shows. As we're walking back over to the bar he grabs my hand. I jokingly said, "God, you so love me." He responded by saying, "sad thing is, that I do." Um, okay.

Monday night I stop by the bar to have a drink. It had just been one of those days. While I'm sitting there Tommy Lee comes in. I decide to have one more drink while I chat with him, then I'm going home. He asks me to play pool. We play. I finish my second drink and switch to water. Suddenly another martini appears in front of me. Tommy bought me a drink. I told him I'd drink it but I didn't want anymore after that. Five martinis later I'm drunk (Tommy never has been a good listener).

I can't drive home. I won't let him drive me home, because well, he can't drive stone cold sober and he has no license, so he takes me over to the studio. When we get there, Tommy finds me a pillow and some blankets then tucks me in on the couch. He sits on the floor and talks to me until I fall asleep. I wake up the next morning wrapped up in him. He's constantly surprising me and I think it's kind of sweet that he took care of my drunk ass. Although he did have a fairly good point; that he was somewhat responsible for my drunken state. It's an odd friendship but it seems to work for us. My only problem is that most people don't understand it.

I'm guessing pretty much everyone in that bar thinks we went over to the studio and fucked. I honestly don't care what they think but I could potentially see this making things sticky for me where Mr. 40+ is concerned. I'm thinking if I've got a snowball's chance in hell of making a go of things with Mr. 40+, I'm going to have to tone things down a bit with Tommy Lee. Not stop hanging out with him because he is my friend and I don't give up friends for anyone, but I think we need a few boundaries. I've got a feeling Tommy's not very good with boundaries...

Crush Tonight

2006-01-30T15:07:00.000-05:00

Well I ran into Mr. 40+ Friday night. We had another night of amazing conversation and yes he asked for my number. He called me around noon on Saturday. We both already had plans so he hasn't asked me out yet. I didn't hear from him yesterday. Oddly enough I'm not all bagjity about all of this (yet). I'm thinking maybe if I don't hear from him by tomorrow I'll give him a call. I think he could use the encouragement. He seems a bit unsure of my interest, or at least that's the impression I'm getting. Maybe it's the age thing; I don't know.

When Love Dies

2006-01-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

Let’s say you dated someone for over a year, you “love” them and then you break up for whatever reason. Years later you look back and the most you feel is indifference. What I want to know is did love die or did you just not love them in the first place?

Ramble On

2006-01-26T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well I think the title pretty much says it all. I’ve got a lot on my mind and it just needs to spew forth. So here goes.

J’s birthday was last Friday. I think we all had fun celebrating (don’t you just love how we ALL celebrate when there’s a birthday?) Oh, and T’s birthday was last Wednesday, Happy Birthday Tay-Tay. The birthday weekend was good. Friday night we took a fieldtrip to the porn store, because it’s been awhile. We enjoy going but I don’t think for the same reasons most people like to go. We walk around and laugh or cringe at the porn/merchandise. Oh and we always have to pick a favorite porn title from our trip. This time around I think “Honey, I Blew Up Your Pussy” was the hands down winner.

Saturday J wanted to have a wine and cheese type birthday party after his birthday dinner. Dinner was good. The waiter was cute. The party nibbles were well received. I’d say the wine and cheese party was a success even if it wasn’t so sophisticated. Many people had fun at the party but quite a few got drunk. And yes Brad, I know you aren’t that person. : )

Monday night I went to the bar to pick up something for CAT. While I was there I overheard some regulars talking about Tommy Lee (yes I was totally eavesdropping). They were talking about how he was considering moving to another town in Alabama. I cannot accurately describe what I started feeling when I heard that. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I felt sad, I was pissed and I felt dismissed. I left very shortly after overhearing this and went home to feel whatever I was feeling. I realized how much I would miss him if he left. I realized how much I look forward to running into him at the bar. I realized how much a chance meeting can affect you. I realized that I felt hurt because “I heard it through the grapevine” and not from him.

Tuesday I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I was bored but couldn’t think of anything to do. Well and I wanted to suck on someone and had nobody to suck on. I think the Cosmic Horn is in full effect again. Apparently this happens to me every January. I just need to make out with a guy and I should be over it. I hope.

Wednesday CAT and I went to the bar. Tommy Lee showed up about 20 minutes after we got there. It was weird; I didn’t want to talk to him. So we exchanged polite hellos and didn’t really talk to each other all night. On the rare occasion that we did speak, it was like talking to someone I just met. I didn’t care for that at all and it made me feel a little bit icky. I’m not really sure what to do about it though.

After Tommy left the Cowboy showed up. I guess I’m making progress where he’s concerned because I was actually able to converse with him and I didn’t want to claw his eyeballs out. So yea me, I’m completely over the Cowboy. Still not sure what I saw in him in the first place, other than that I still think he has a really nice nose. Yes, I know how strange that sounds.

I’m hoping to “bump” into Mr. 40+ this weekend. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much though. It usually just leads to disappointment and I hate being disappointed. I did turn down an invitation Friday so I could sit at the bar and hopefully run into him. But did I really need to go to the circus with the Cowboy? Yeah I didn’t think so either. If I do see him again, and we have another night like the one we had a few weeks ago, and he doesn’t ask for my number, I just might scream.

Crash Into Me

2006-01-19T11:35:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine has a little girl who is 7. A while back when I was home visiting my parents, my friend brought her family over for a visit. While I was talking to the little girl, she was telling me about school and this and that. Sometime during the conversation she told me told me about this little boy in her class who had a crash on her. Confused, I looked to her mother for an explanation. Apparently the little girl had crash confused with crush.

For some reason I remembered that mix-up yesterday and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that kid was dead on. More often than not my crushes are more like crashes. The Cowboy was certainly a crash. Not a fatal crash by any means, but I did walk away from that one slightly dazed and a little bruised. Tommy Lee, well I knew that was just a crash course from the get go, but luckily it turned out okay in the end. Mr. 40+, well it still remains to be seen how this crash will turn out. I can't help but wonder though; how many times can you keep walking away from a crash site unharmed? Eventually I'm going to crash and get hurt.

Good Friday

2006-01-16T14:42:00.000-05:00

Okay so I didn't stay home and watch movies Friday night (but I did shave). Instead I got all dolled up in a new outfit (well, new top and necklaces) and went to hang out at the bar for a few hours. Tommy Lee's band was playing in a near by town and I was planning on going but since I'd never been to this particular bar and I was going alone, I didn't want to get there too early. Instead I decided to hang out at my home away from home until almost 11:00 when Tommy Lee and Co. would be taking the stage and then head over to see them.

I get to the bar and there sits Tommy Lee with his new girlfriend Courtney Love. Um, okay slightly awkward moment and I don't know what to do. I just walk past them to the other end of the bar and flash a quick smile as I breeze past. After maybe 5 minutes Tommy Lee leaves Courtney sitting at the bar and comes over to me. Then he begins to apologize. Apparently he was blitzed the night before and realized that he (while rightfully bringing to my attention that I'd said something that bothered him) was pretty much an asshole about it Thursday night. Then he informs me that he was sitting with COURTNEY his GIRLFRIEND. Well yeah I kind of figured that's who she was. Then he tells me that she isn't his girlfriend and he's just hanging out with her. Whatever. I point out that he called her his girlfriend Monday when he told me about her. He changes the subject by asking if I'm coming to see the band later. I told him I might and then Tommy and Courtney leave. He's so fucking weird...

Flash forward about an hour. In walks the 40+ guy from last night. I'd been hoping I might run into him again. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said to me the night before. I was thinking about it when I went to sleep Thursday night. I was thinking about it sitting at my desk. I was thinking about it while I washed my hair Friday night. Can you tell I'd been thinking about it a lot? So anyway, he comes into the bar and I just sit at the opposite end playing it as cool as I possibly can. Eventually he makes his way towards the end of the bar where I'm sitting (his friends are sitting at the table behind me). He makes it as far as the stool next to me and no further.

We sat and talked for 4 1/2 hours. I missed Tommy's show (oops). Hell I was barely aware of what was going on around me. We talked about music, travel, family, books, movies, food and even sports. I also found out that he remembered talking to me Thursday but he didn't really remember what we talked about (he'd been to a close friend's funeral earlier in the day and apparently he'd had a bit much to drink, not that you could really tell). He was concerned that he'd said something offensive to me and I assured him that wasn't the case. I just told him the conversation was illuminating and left it at that. I had a great time Friday. He's smart. He's funny. He's sexy. He's witty. He gave me butterflies. He has a daughter 9 years younger than me... (yeah...)

When he got ready to leave he told me how much he'd enjoyed spending time getting to know me better. I told him how much fun I'd had. He gave me this great hug and left. I couldn't believe he didn't ask for my number. We don't run into each other that often. I've gone well over a month without seeing him out. During our lengthy conversation he even said that he needed to cook me dinner one night and make me listen to some Neil Young album (he loves him, me not so much). Kind of hard to invite me over for dinner when you don't have my phone number. I'm just a little confused at the moment. I mean I've made a promise to myself to take things a little slower with men, and I plan on sticking to that, but it would be nice if we could at least meet up for a drink sometime soon. Once again I guess I'll just have to sit back and see what happens, and we all know how good I am at that. But at least now we all know that I'm so going there if given the chance!

Bad Moon Rising

2006-01-13T15:12:00.000-05:00

Damn last night wasn't Friday 13th or the full moon but it was strange enough. I'm thinking tonight maybe I should just stay home, shave my legs and watch movies. I don't know that I want to push my luck...

So last night CAT and I go to the bar for a drink. We sit there for awhile talking to some friends when Tommy Lee comes in with the rest of the band. I notice after awhile that he's not really making an effort to talk to me. Sometime later I go over to him and ask if anything is wrong because he hasn't really said much to me all night. Apparently the last time I saw him, I'd made some off hand comment that Tommy had taken to heart and I'd hurt his feelings. Of course I had no idea and once I found out, I felt like complete shit. I apologized, he accepted so we kissed and made up and now all is well.

Sometimes I'm still taken aback by the juxtaposition that is Tommy Lee. To look at him you'd think he didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone. The reality is if he actually cares about you then he's much more sensitive to your words, deeds and opinions. I guess I'm just going to have to keep that in mind a bit more from now on. He's told me how much he values my opinion and how much he cares for me and I need to remember that.

In other news I ran into a guy that hangs out at the bar semi-regularly. He's older. I'd say early 40's. I've always thought he was attractive. I've always enjoyed talking to him on the occasions that we run into each other. Last night I went over to say hello and we had a brief but very informative chat before he left. It's never a bad thing to find out a man thinks "you're sexy as hell" and that he thinks you should spend some time getting to know one another better. I honestly didn't know what to say. I had no idea he was even interested.

Now I'm kind of stuck trying to decide if I should go there or not. On the one hand I'm attracted to him but he is so much older than me. And I can't decide if he just wants a piece if younger ass or not. I guess the only thing I can do is just give it a little more time and see what comes of it. I do think I'm going to have to test the waters a little with this one, though. Can't help it. I'm intrigued.

Then as we were getting ready to leave some hot ass marine asked for my phone number. God, he was really cute but of course looked kind of young. I didn't give him my number because like I told him, I don't make a habit of giving out my number to guys who've known me for a total of 2 minutes. Instead he settled for a good-night hug. This kid was totally trying to scam some ass before heading home but at least he was pretty sweet about it.

I ask you, what's up with the universe?

Brand New Year (My Revolution)

2006-01-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

Sadly this is all that remains of my long update post from last week....

I'm approaching this brand new, shiny year with hopeful optimism. I know I can be a bit cynical and sarcastic at times (and come on, you love me for it), but I feel that good things are to come. I deserve good things so I'm just going to try and recognize them when they come along and take advantage of them. I'm trying to remember if I always feel this way at the turn of a new year, but I honestly can't remember. So therefore I'm going to assume this new year's optimism is something different.

I don't think I greeted 2005 with the same warmth and outlook with which I'm greeting 2006. Granted last year was a bit of a difficult one for me but in all honesty I think I'm much better for it. I feel like a more well rounded, able person. In short I'm pretty happy being me these days. Who would've thought it? I like who I am. Even on those days when it's raining shit, I still don't think I'd choose to be anyone but myself.

Bloody Mother F**cking Asshole

2006-01-06T17:49:00.000-05:00

Damn it! I spent all fucking day writing an update and cyber space just ate it! FUCK.....

(and yes I'm still keeping my song title theme this year and yep that's a song)

Break Away

2005-12-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

So I haven't been writing much lately but I honestly just haven't felt much like it. I'm not really sure why that is, though. Guess I just needed a little break. I don't have much to report these days. I managed to have a pretty good birthday which is always good. I got to celebrate for a whole week with good friends and family. My level of dislike for the cowboy has reached an all time high and I must resist the urge to slap him when ever he talks to me. Tommy Lee and I are cool as ever and he wants to hang out with me way more now than when we attempted to date. Go figure. I have met quite possibly the worst kisser in the world. Ladies, if you thought that episode of Sex and the City with Charlotte and the really bad kisser was an urban myth, I assure you it's not. I'm still having nightmares and my lips were chapped for 3 days. Harry Potter was pretty good. Thank God, since I've seen it 3 times already. I also saw Rent. It was good but made me f-ing bawl. Oh and my nephew is officially one year old today.

Hope Has a Place

2005-12-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

Instead of my usual rambling, bitching, self indulgent blogging, I would like to remind everyone that today is World AIDS Day...

In 1988, the World Health Organization designated December 1 as a day of international observance of the global impact of HIV/AIDS. Since then, World AIDS Day has played an important role in raising awareness of HIV/AIDS and spurring collective action.

On World AIDS Day, we remember the 20 million people who have died of AIDS and recognize the 40 million who are living with HIV/AIDS. On this day, the world is urged to do more to curb the spread of HIV and end the stigma associated with the disease.

The theme of World AIDS Day 2005 and for the next several years will be "Stop AIDS: Keep the Promise," a call to action urging governments to stay true to the promises and commitments they have made to ending the HIV/AIDS pandemic.

To read more or even better, to make a donation please visit amfAR. Or kill two birds with one stone, to do some Christmas shopping and give to a good cause visit Until There's a Cure.

Head Games

2005-11-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

In an odd mood today and my head is not a particularly fun place to be at the moment. I'm a smart woman yet sometimes I'm infinitely stupid. Go figure. Just not going to get into it because it's Thanksgiving and I should be happy for all of things that I do have in my life. Besides I'm not going to make you people go through the rabbit hole with me. That would just be mean.

I hope you all have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.

As Time Goes By

2005-11-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

HHmm, where to begin? I know I've been M.I.A for a few weeks but I've been pretty busy. Wish I'd had the time and the motivation to keep you updated but I just haven't and now this is going to be one hell of a long post.

Chapter 1: The Halloween Party

LBG and J hosted a Halloween party the Saturday before Halloween. I know I've written since then but I just didn't have the energy to mention the party. It was small but mighty. We all drank many shots and copious amounts of PJ (if you don't know then you should definitely ask). At this party I was a CSI (crime scene investigator) complete with CSI jumpsuit, safety glasses, flashlight, latex gloves, field kit; basically the works. LBG was Princess Leia and J was a rock lobster complete with red oven mitt claws and an old fender guitar. Also in attendance were Lil' John, Usher, Elton John, Napoleon Dynamite and Deb, Pimpin' Satan, a witch, a garden gnome, 2 evil republicans and Johnny from the Karate Kid dressed in skeleton suit and hoodie. There may have been a few more but those are the ones that stick out.

Highlights from the evening: About 6 of us attempting to lessen the supply of PJ by sticking our heads in the vat of alcohol and drinking it through bendy straws. LBG and I (after the PJ/straw incident) taking about 40 playboy pictorial type pictures of one another (clothes stayed on, mind you) in the den, completely oblivious to the fact that others could actually see us. Me buttering J's lobster tail and trying to eat it. And getting up close and slightly personal with an extremely drunk garden gnome.

Chapter 2: The Birthday Party

LBG turned the big 3-0 November 5. This event was dreaded and anticipated all at the same time. In an effort to usher my girl somewhat painlessly into her 30's I wanted it to be a pleasant experience. We, (me, J, Poodle, LBG, LBG's dog Ernesto P. Jones and LBG's new flavor, Dick) headed to Clemson for homecoming and some good old South Carolina fun.

Highlights from the weekend: LBG got a little. We had good cake both of the vegan and regular old animal by-product kind. Clemson won the homecoming game. We had a bon fire Saturday night in honor of LBG's birthday, complete with a wiener roast, smores and left over PJ. I got a new nickname "bicycle" just because I made out with two frat boys in a bar and got another dude's phone number all in an hour's time on Friday night (side note: I'm the least whorey person I know and should not be called bicycle because no one rides me but I'm taking it in stride, people). Poodle finally got to see Clemson. Played Never-Have-I-Ever around the campfire and most everyone got drunk except Poodle, who should have been the drunkest of all. The dude whose phone number I got Friday night, came to LBG's party to see me and I got to snuggle with a boy. LBG enjoyed her 30th birthday and so did we.

Chapter 3: Savannah

This past weekend I went to Savannah for my early birthday gift from my parents. They sent me to one of Paula Deen's cooking classes at her restaurant The Lady & Sons. My mom, grandmother, aunt and cousin met me there so we could have a girls weekend. We had a lovely time walking on the river front, shopping, eating, touring old Savannah homes and going on a ghost hunt. I enjoyed spending that time with my family, especially my aunt and cousin who I don't see very often. It was really good to see my grandmother having a nice time because I know things have been hard on her since my grandfather passed away earlier this year.

Highlights from Savannah: The cooking class was awesome. It was everything I hoped it would be and I had so much fun and laughed and learned a lot. I offered myself to Paula Deen's youngest son and he blushed. I brought my grandmother a personalized, signed cookbook from Paula and she got so excited, she cried. Eating fresh, homemade pralines from the Savannah Candy Kitchen.

Chapter 4: Boy News

Things with the Cowboy are pretty much dead. We still hang out from time to time in a group but that's pretty much it. I usually end up getting pissed off at him about something or other even in these group situations, mostly when he does nothing. And all of you are right, he's got serious issues and I don't think he's good for me. I'm working on distancing myself from all of that. It is a necessity that I remain on friendly terms because of mutual friends, though. I'm taking the out of sight out of mind approach right now and for the most part it's working. But every so often when I'm alone and it's pretty quite in my head I just have to wonder why he stopped calling all of a sudden. Why doesn't he like me? I know I'm not defective but sometimes the insecurities get to me. I also wish I didn't think he was so damned cute. Or that I didn't like the way he touched me. Oh well, live and learn right? And as you can see, he certainly isn't stopping me from kissing and telling. I know you have to kiss a few frogs before you find a frog that has some princely attributes. I maintain that I'm just kissing mine quickly and in groups of two or more so I can find my frog prince already, or at least a frog that I can date for longer than two weeks.

Coming soon: This weekend is the opening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and yes I'm one of those dorks that will be going to see it opening night. Also Saturday is the Clemson/South Carolina game. This is the biggest game of the year for South Carolinians. There will be lots of chicken and there will be lots of beer. Hopefully there will even be a straight boy or two with which to flirt. So there you go, I'm looking forward to a weekend of magic, dragons, knights in football armor, dead chickens, beer and good friends.

Sour Milk Sea

2005-11-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

I came to a startling realization last night. My love life has the shelf life of milk. It's great for about two weeks and then it expires. First it begins to smell funny. Then it separates. Next it sours and cottage cheese starts to form. Then you just have the throw it out and buy more.

Love Went Mad

2005-11-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

This has just been a crap day. Of course last night pretty much sucked too. I honestly can't even string my thoughts together very well at the moment. The one thing I do know is that the Cowboy used to make me feel good and now he just makes me feel like shit. And no it isn't because he's doing anything, but the fact that he does nothing is pissing me off. I just want a normal guy with minimal issues (cause trust me Tommy Lee and the Cowboy have some fucking serious issues), that doesn't play games, doesn't like to fight like some bullshit macho man, doesn't have a drinking problem, doesn't decide after a whirlwind 2 weeks that they aren't sure how they feel anymore and doesn't enjoy the company of other girls when things are in the works between us. Is that too fucking much to ask? Apparently for me it is.

Monster Mash

2005-10-31T17:09:00.000-05:00

Damn, I love this holiday! I hope everyone has as much fun playing dress up as my roommate and I do. Happy Halloween and Trick or Drink, I mean Treat!

Love Stinks

2005-10-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

I called the Cowboy Tuesday. We talked for approximately 10 minutes then he said he needed to go and that he'd call me back later. Needless to say I never heard back from him. I really got no explanation as to why he hadn't been in touch other than he was "laying low" for a few days. But he had the nerve to ask where I was Monday night. Like I'm just expected to show up at the bar to hear Chunky and our other friend Abby sing and play guitar. Whatever. I'm on my way to being over it. The Cowboy so doesn't get to smell my hair anymore. He's cut off.

Upside Down

2005-10-25T03:03:00.000-05:00

I fear that I have offended some of my male readers. For that I'm sorry. I still stand my statement though. Boys suck. Men on the other hand are just fine. Brad, Jack which are you?

In other news, the Cowboy is a boy and he sucks. I saw him Friday night and after a very, very nice and lengthy good night kiss, he told me he'd definitely see me tomorrow. I haven't seen or heard from him since. Definitely see me tomorrow my ass. I just don't get it. I have no other choice but to call him and ask him what the hell happened. I mean it's pretty much over but I still think I deserve some sort of explanation. If you aren't into me, then just say so. I assure you I will some how manage to go on.

Moving on...
My weekend was pretty fucking bizarre by normal standards. I went to the bar to hang out Friday night (pretty much waiting on the Cowboy to show). Some dude starts talking to me and being the nice little Southern girl that I am I engaged in polite conversation with him. He finally asks me out. I told him I was seeing someone. He asks for my number. Okay are you deaf I just told you I was seeing someone. So he gives me his number instead. A while later he departs. I threw it away later in the night because, well of the Cowboy, but also because I just couldn't go out with someone 20 years older than me!

Then some other guy comes over and starts talking. Okay nice guy but I just can't see myself with some dude with a gold tooth. That's just a little too bling-bling for me. Exit this dude, enter the Cowboy. I had a nice time with the Cowboy. We hung out for a while and talked and flirted and did whatever it is that we do. He had to head home fairly early because he had to work the next morning. He asks me to come outside with him when he leaves. So knowing the he wants to kiss me, I oblige. We kiss for a little bit. He walks away. He comes back. We kiss a little more. This happens maybe three times before he finally makes it to the car.

I go back inside and take my seat. Some time later another guy comes over. Hell this dude is older than the first. He's telling me he's a truck driver, he's shy, he doesn't get to talk to many people. Blah, blah, blah. I just kind of smile and nod. He kisses the side of my head. I politely inform him that I'm friends with most of the big bastards in the place and if he gets out of hand then they would have no problem kicking his ass on my behalf. I thought this was a pretty good deterrent. Apparently not. He kisses me again and this time decides to grope me as well. I pull his hand off my boob and he walks out the door. Smart man.

I'm just sitting there all creeped out when Tommy Lee stops by on his way back from the bathroom. He asks what happened and I tell him. He goes looking for the guy to "kick his ass" but thank God the dude was gone. I didn't want Tommy getting into a fight because of me. Tommy Lee comes back and sits with me on the off chance the molester decides to return. We're chatting like normal and at some point it comes out that I've never seen Apocalypse Now. Tommy thinks I need to watch this movie and I need to watch it with him. Now that we're friends apparently is much more acceptable to hang out and watch movies. So now I've agreed, albeit a little reluctantly, to watch the movie with him at our house. I'm in charge of the movie and he's in charge of lunch. I'm still not sure if he'll even show up.

Tommy Lee calls me at 10:00 the next morning to confirm out movie plans. I guess he's showing up after all. I go and get the movie and he shows up with lunch. Tommy's idea of lunch is bag full of tacos and a 12 pack of beer. We watch the movie, we eat tacos, we drink beer. Six and half hours later he decides he needs to go. We are out of beer. I couldn't tell you the last time I was drunk on Saturday afternoon or the last time I had so much fun hanging out at the house on a Saturday. Tommy Lee and I are much better friends that we were, well whatever we were. He actually made the weekend. If I hadn't been hanging out with him, I would've been obsessing just a bit about the Cowboy. And no Tommy Lee and I are going to date again. We both agree that we like being friends much better. We like each other too much to date.

I stayed in Saturday night because A) I was a bit tipsy B) I had a headache C) I'd only slept 2 1/2 hours the night before D) Friday night was just too fucking weird.

Boys Will Be Boys

2005-10-24T15:55:00.000-05:00

Boys suck. That's pretty much all I have to say today. Boys suck. Yep that's it.

Moody Blue

2005-10-20T10:49:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to post for a week now. I can't seem to finish any of them that I start. I don't know why that is. I have several half finished entries about my daily activities over the past week, yes mostly concerning the Cowboy. Things are still going pretty well with him, I guess. Still talking to him and or seeing him every day. Got a real kiss from him Monday night. Got several real kisses from him Tuesday night. I like him. I'm pretty sure he likes me. We have fun together. Too bad I just want to say to hell with it and tell him to get lost.

Makes tons of sense, right? Yeah, well, welcome to the inter-workings of my fucked up and addled mind. I think I've mentioned before that I suck at dating. I don't know if I've ever spoken a truer statement in my life. I completely suck at it. I know life is uncertain. I don't like it, but I seem to deal pretty well for the most part. For some reason the uncertainty just bugs the hell out of me when it comes to dating. I guess because I guard my heart closely. It's been broken before and it took me quite some time to glue all the pieces back together. I think I'm a little afraid that not all of fractures have completely healed.

The Cowboy makes me feel amazing. He adores my weird nose crinkle, he likes my fashion sense (which I must admit usually takes a beating here in Alabama), he loves my smile (which I hate). He's funny, he's warm, he's genuine, he's generous, he's a good friend, he's sweet, he's cute, but he's still a man. I think it's pretty obvious that men and women don't think the same way and if you do, then in all likelihood one of you is gay. I know we don't see things the same way. I know we don't think about things the same way. I know relationships aren't cut and dry.

Everyone keeps asking me if the Cowboy and I are dating. I have no answer for them. He's never actually asked me out. With the exception of one Sunday, the only place we've seen each other is at the bar. We never go to the bar together, we always just kind of meet up there. So you tell me, does that constitute as dating? For I haven't a fucking clue.

The unknown makes me a little nuts. It's not like I want to settle down with this guy but it would be nice if I had a slightly better clue as to what is going on. This is why I just want to tell him to fuck off. He's making me feel things that make me extremely uncomfortable. I feel all out of sorts.

Granted not all of that is because of him. I didn't sleep well last night due to almost constant nightmares. Being tired just exaggerates emotions where I'm concerned. I received some upsetting news this week also. I know that's playing a part in all of this too. A tired, confused, upset, weary woman is never a good thing. At least I realize this is the reason I burst into unexplained tears this morning. I'm taking my current mood and the events leading up to it into consideration and I won't be making any big decisions at this time. So don't worry, the Cowboy is safe for the time being but the pitfalls ahead may be unavoidable.

Maybe his funk is going around because Poodle and LBG seem to have caught it too. I hope this is just a phase we're going though and it passes quickly. Big hugs to you both!

I've Got My Mind Set on You

2005-10-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

Okay random thoughts for the day or probably more accurately the ramblings of a mad woman:

1) The Cowboy is adorable.

2) He has the cutest grin.

3) He has a nice nose.

4) He has really nice lips and I want to kiss him. A lot.

5) He hasn't actually asked me out yet. What the hell's up with that?

6) He had the opportunity to ask me to go with him to see our friend play at this restaurant tonight and he didn't. Why not?

7) Why the hell do I get so bajigity about guys?

8) I've talked to him or seen him everyday since Friday but I'm still not sure if he likes me.

9) I'm intrigued and a little scared by his below the belt piercing.

10) I haven't seen him in two days and I kind of miss him.

11) Why after talking to him for 30 minutes to an hour does he sometimes tell me he'll call me back later and then not call?

12) I'm totally smitten with him and that scares me because I don't think I should be.

13) I love his laugh.

14) He has brown eyes. I like brown eyes.

15) He's a twin. (Sorry LBG his brother's married)

16) He doesn't have a steady job at the moment. Slightly concerning.

17) I'm pretty sure he respects me.

18) He always asks how my day was.

19) He helps his mom cook dinner.

20) He loves animals.

21) He likes to have a good time.

22) I think he drinks too much sometimes.

23) He's not that tall.

24) He smells nice.

25) I like the way he touches me.

26) He holds doors open for me.

27) He's a gentlemen.

28) His accent is really country.

29) He's not from Alabama.

30) He works hard.

Okay I really think I should stop now before I give you too much ammunition to make fun of me with. I'm smitten and I can't help it. I guess admitting it is the first step. God, I just wish I dealt a little better with the uncertainty of it all. That's what gets my panties in a bunch. I suppose there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that though. I guess my only option is just to see how this all plays out.

Kiss on My List

2005-10-12T12:58:00.000-05:00

I saw the Cowboy Monday night. He walked me to my car as usual and came in for the hug. This time he actually planted the kiss on my lips though. Too bad I really didn't get to enjoy it because I was preoccupied with a drunk CAT in the passenger seat. Progress is a beautiful thing. He called me last night too and seemed disappointed that I was too tired to see him. I guess that's a good sign.

A little glitch though. We were hanging out at the bar Monday night sitting on the couch talking to some friends. In walks Chunky. Turns out he and the Cowboy are friends. Chunky sits down across from me and just grins at me like a possum while I'm cuddled up to the Cowboy. Talk about a little uncomfortable. God, I hope guys don't gossip.

Rhinestone Cowboy

2005-10-10T17:48:00.000-05:00

Well thanks for gathering around for this week's episode of "guess who I met this weekend". I'm starting to feel like I have a harem or something. Well anyways, I hope at the very least, that my social life is entertaining for all of you.

Friday night I went to the bar to hang out. It was a slow night and frankly I was bored. I was on the verge of leaving when a couple of bar friends came in. They asked me to join them for at least a beer before I took off. So I ordered a beer and sat at their table. A while later the Cowboy comes in and sits down with us. I'd met him several weeks ago and we've chatted casually in passing when we run into each other.

I'm calling him the Cowboy, not because he looks like one, but because he actually used to be one. He rode bulls in the rodeo. And no there isn't a cowboy boot, Wranglers or a big ass belt buckle in sight. There's a tattoo, a piercing and a pair of Diesels instead. Now if you're going to be a cowboy, then that's the kind of cowboy I can handle.

We're hanging out with everyone talking about everything from birthdays to shoes. During the shoe conversation I find out the Cowboy has a thing for shoes (not women's shoes but men's, although he did compliment my shoes). The boy has pretty good shoe taste as he was wearing a very nice pair of Kenneth Cole's. Then proceeds to tell me where the best shoe department is in Atlanta. In his opinion it's Nordstrom. Okay at this point my jaw drops. Not only do I love shoes, I love Nordstrom's shoe department. We even love the same Nordstrom in Atlanta (the one at Perimeter Mall). We continue to hang out for the rest of the night until the guy he came with is ready to leave. He tells me how much he enjoyed talking to me, hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. Awwww.

Saturday I go to the bar to see the band that was playing and when I walk in I go over to talk to CAT. Lo and behold there sits the Cowboy at the end of the bar. CAT told me he'd come in by himself and had been sitting there for about half an hour when I came in. He and I grab some stools together and again sit there talking all night. During our conversation I find out that he remembered when my birthday was from the group conversation before, that he noticed my shoes when I walked in and he's knows about Amazing Grace lotion by Philosophy. At this point I had to ask him if he were gay. He wasn't offended and assured me that he was in deed very straight. I guess it was rude to ask but I needed to know. Before he walked me to my car he asked me for my number and even though the Sugar Daddy experience was still fresh, I gave it to him. He told me he'd call me Sunday. I got another hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Sunday he called and we talked for over an hour on the phone. After I showered I called him back and he asked if he could come over and see me. I like him so far, so I figure I'll roll with it even though it seems kind of soon to be seeing each other every day. He comes over to the house and we spent the next four hours sitting on the couch, you guessed it, talking. He left at 10:00 so I could get some sleep. Again he hugs me and kisses my cheek. I stood in the front door giving him the universal signal for "you can kiss me now" and he just told me he'd call me Monday and left.

I've been sitting here all day wondering if he's interested or he just wants a shoe shopping buddy. It's not like I want to sleep with him at this point but you'd figure I might at least get a kiss on the lips. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Freeze Tag

2005-10-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

Taylor tagged me and I honestly had nothing else to write about so here comes my first blog survey...

10 years ago: October 7, 1995
I was a freshman at Clemson living with the roommate from hell and adjusting to college life. I was taking Intro to Graphic Communications, Intro to Psychology, Chemistry 105, College algebra and some kind of computer programming class. At least those are the only ones I can remember. I lived on the third floor in one of the shoeboxes and even though the weather was starting to cool, we had to keep our window open with a fan going non stop all winter long because our room was like an oven.

5 years ago: October 7, 2000
I've been in Atlanta for about 8 months. I've also been at my first job out of college for 8 months. I hate Atlanta and the job. I'm glad I've found Taylor (he's making my life bearable) and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm also glad LBG and I have managed to stay in touch after college. We talk all the time even though she's in New Jersey and I'm here. We email each other everyday at work. Our 'Miss You' line make me smile. My across the hall neighbor is crazy as a shithouse rat and the police have come twice to take her away. I have got to get out of here before I go nuts too.

1 year ago: October 7, 2004
I'm still living in Alabama. Still at my first job out of college. Hate the job. Hate Alabama. Everything is pretty much stagnant. It's been a pretty rough year but here are some high points: I'm looking forward to A's baby being born in December. I've lost roughly 50 pounds.

Yesterday:
I was cold all day. It rained off and on. I went to a Fall Festival at a local school. I was tired. I just wanted someone to hold me as I drifted off to sleep.

5 snacks I enjoy:
low fat chips and salsa; sugar free jello with lite cool whip; pickles; Weight Watchers ice cream treats; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

5 songs I know all the words to:
The Gambler (Kenny Rogers); I'll Be There for You (Bon Jovi); Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones); I Will Survive (Gloria Gayner); Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Marvin Gaye)

5 things I would do with a million dollars:
Pay off my car; invest; buy some diamond studs from Tiffany's; give money to my friends and family; give to cancer and aids charities

5 things I would never wear:
a tube top; those net looking slip-on flip flop things (sorry LBG), a skirt so short you could see my business; someone else's underwear; a trucker hat

5 bad habits:
chewing on my nails; sneaking bites of food I know I shouldn't have; saying the word 'like' constantly; lying; shopping too much when I know I need to be saving money

5 favorite toys:
my rabbit; my new cell phone; the direct tv remote; the cd player in my car; my nephew

Now tagging 5 people and they are...
Well if you feel like it and since you're the only 5 people that read my blog that Taylor didn't tag already:
Brad
Poodle
Carrie
Jack
Erin

She's Always a Woman

2005-10-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

Once gain I find myself completely enamored of a Billy Joel song. I keep listening to She's Always a Woman over and over again. What is it about this song?

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to live
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
- Billy Joel

Almost Perfect

2005-10-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

So apparently I've turned into a 12 year old girl and I'm boy crazy...

UPDATE: I laid it out for the Sugar Daddy. Said what I had to say. He said he appreciated my honesty and a bunch of other crap that I had trouble making heads or tails of. Tommy Lee came over and talked to both of us. Tommy was touching me a little too much trying to mark his territory. Sugar Daddy got mad and left. A while later he called and left a snippy voicemail on my cell phone. He hasn't called me since. Good riddance, I say. Tommy Lee and I had a much needed discussion about things. He apologized and wants us to be friends. I agreed. So there you go, the Sugar Daddy has been dealt with, Tommy Lee and I are cool again and I'm still hoping to run into Chunky. You would think that this would be enough for anyone, but oh no...

LBG and I headed to Wake Forest Friday for the Clemson game. We decided to go to this particular game because she was stalking a boy that goes to school there. Okay that sounds much worse than it is. He's a friend of our friend's husband, she knew of him when we all went to Clemson, she sat with him and our married friends at the Clemson/Texas A&M game so they do have some history. Our married friends were going to visit him for the Wake Forest game so LBG decided we should drive up there too, since she'd have a good chance of being able to hang out with him some.

We meet them out at a bar when we got into town Friday night. Some other friends of his from Clemson had come to visit as well. Besides our married friends, there was a couple who were dating and Frodo. I thought Frodo was cute when we all made the initial introductions but that was about it. As the night wore on LBG and I started playing our movie game* with Frodo and our friend's husband. After a boys vs girls game that went on for quite some time, somehow it became a game between just Frodo and me. The more we played, the more we laughed, the closer we got, the more everyone else just faded into the background. I was kicking his ass by the way because to quote him, I'm "unbeatable". In addition to being cute, he's funny, smart, sweet, good natured, laid back, fun and loves movies. Could he be any more perfect?

Eventually everyone was ready to leave. Frodo asked several times if LBG and I were coming back the house to hang out some more. We decided we would but we'd driven to the bar, whereas everyone else had walked from Wake boy's house. Wake boy's roommate rode with LBG and I to give us directions. On the less than 5 minute drive to Wake boy's house Frodo calls me to continue playing our movie game. They all get home and Frodo and I are hanging out on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh. I'm getting the "I want to kiss you" vibe from him. All of a sudden he jumps up and says he needs to get beer. He comes back with the beer and goes out to the porch. A little while later I make my way to the porch and several of us are standing around talking.

LBG yells at me from inside the house to come in for a minute. I go in and she tells me that she just found out that Frodo has a girlfriend. They've been together for like 8 years or something. I'm absolutely crushed and feeling like a jackass all at the same time. Of course he has a girlfriend. Why wouldn't a guy this great already be taken? I ended up feeling really stupid for thinking he was interested but LBG says that he totally was. He just can't act on it because he has a girlfriend. He never once did anything inappropriate and he was completely loyal. That just makes me like him a little more.

We still managed to have fun the rest of the weekend but things with Frodo obviously weren't the same. I knew he had a girlfriend, he knew I knew he had a girlfriend. The drive home was kind of sad though. I even cried a little, not sobbed mind you but shed a few tears. I know that I have no chance in hell of being with this guy but we just had such a strong instant connection and great chemistry. It made me sad to know that I'd had that kind of spark with someone that was in love with another girl. I really hope my lobster is out there somewhere and that when I meet him he'll be unattached.

FYI: LBG's man turned out to be a complete ass and now she hates him.

*Our movie game rules: Someone names an actor, the next person names a movie said actor was in, the next person names another actor in the same movie, the next person names another movie that actor was in.
Example: Julia Roberts, Notting Hill, Hugh Grant, Love Actually, Alan Rickman, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Maggie Smith, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, etc.

Sugar Daddy

2005-09-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well tonight is the night. Tonight I'm meeting the Sugar Daddy for drinks to tell him that he needs to back off. The Sugar Daddy is a an older (44) guy that I met at, you guessed it, the bar. He's always been really, really nice to me. Buying me an occasional drink here and there, offering pleasant conversation, etc. Honestly for the longest time I thought he was gay (he was always a little too observant of what I was wearing) until he made it known about two weeks ago that he was interested in me. Apparently he was just biding his time until I was done with Tommy Lee.

I ran into him last Thursday at the bar. He came over and we began to chat. Later in the evening he asked me about the Tommy Lee situation and I told him it was over and that I'd given the skull ring back. Then Sugar Daddy asked me if I'd like to go to dinner sometime. I, thinking accepting a dinner invitation was harmless, agreed. Before I left the bar that night I gave him my number. He's called me every day, sometimes multiple times a day since. It's just too much and it's freaking me out.

So tonight I have to tell him that because he's acted like a wacko that I'm not going to go to dinner with him ever. In my eyes, dinner is just dinner. In his it's more like we're engaged or something. The thought of having this conversation with him tonight literally makes me nauseas. I don't handle these situations very well. I don't want to hurt his feelings but he's making me uncomfortable. I'm going to do my best to let him down gently to spare his feelings and also because I'm a little afraid he's psycho. Wish me luck.

On a side note I saw Chunky Thursday night but never got a chance to talk to him because Sugar Daddy was in my grill all night. All I got was a smile and a wave. Damn.

I've Got a Crush on You

2005-09-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

I think I have a crush on the chunky guitar player. It's so not a good idea but I can't help it. Every time I think about him it makes me smile. I've been smiling a lot lately.

Get In the Ring

2005-09-21T14:29:00.000-05:00

The saga continues...

It was payday at the bar so CAT and I went by there to pick up her check. We were sitting there talking to some regulars when Tommy Lee comes strolling in. I could tell that he honestly debated about turning around and leaving when he saw me. Instead he took a seat as far away from me as he could, kept his sunglasses on, hide behind a newspaper and talked to everyone but me. At this point I really couldn't help but wonder what in the hell I did to make him act like this. And you know, the only answer I could come up with was "abso-fuckin'-lutely nothing".

These were his issues, not mine. I was acting like an adult. He wasn't. I'll be damned if I'm going to bury my head in the sand. I'm determined that things are not going to be weird between us. Things are over but they don't have to be awkward. We never really got all that involved anyway so for once in my life I really don't see any reason that we can't be friends.

So anyway, a little later the guy sitting next to Tommy leaves. I sit where I am for about 10 minutes before I move to the stool next to him. We sit there for roughly 5 minutes before he actually says anything to me. I'm making him nervous and he finally makes some lame ass joke to break the ice. After a few minutes we're talking somewhat normally. I know things will never be like they were, but I'm just hoping we can find some level of comfort and normality around each other since I'll continue to bump into him.

After a while he goes to get something out of his truck. While he's gone I get the skull ring out of my purse and lay it on the bar in front of where he was sitting. He comes back in, sits down, shows the bartender a flier for the band and appears not to notice the ring. After a few minutes he says something about it laying on the bar. I told him that I thought he would want it back. Then he starts ragging on the ring. Calling it a gumball machine piece of crap, or something to that effect. I said that since I'd never seen that gumball machine piece of crap off his finger until he gave it to me, I thought he should have it back. He held it for a while and I finally asked if he were going to put it on. He said no that it looked like it had been tainted and had a look of shame about it now. Then he threw the damned thing in the tip jar and we continued to sit there and chat for a little longer. Then he left.

I don't know what the whole skull ring thing was about. I was just trying to be nice and give it back. Well and to make it clear that whatever we'd been doing that was above and beyond friends was now officially over. I can't decide if he was pissed because I gave it back, if he was pissed because he gave it to me in the first place or he was pissed at himself because he fucked up. I guess I'll never really know...

Naughty Girl

2005-09-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

Well Tommy Lee totally flaked on me, which I knew he would. I just didn't know he would be such a jack ass about it. His band was playing at the bar Friday night and I went. I got a kiss on the forehead 15 minutes after I got there. A few shoulder squeezes as he breezed past me during their 2 breaks. After the show he sat with the band at a table, which was fine but he could've made some effort. I cornered him on his way back from the bathroom to ask him if he planned on ignoring me for the entire night. He claimed he was just preoccupied. I begged to differ. We walk back to the bar and he talks to me for maybe 10 minutes. Then the next thing I know he grabbed his crap and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. I was pissed. I didn't think that after I slept with him that we were committed or even boyfriend and girlfriend, but I did think we were at least friends. In my opinion that's not how you treat your friends.

So even though it wasn't exactly how I would have chosen for this relationship, for lack of a better word, to come to a close, it was a means to an end. I knew I had to break off whatever was going on between us because it just wasn't a good idea to continue with things. When the words probation, violation and jail started popping up, I got a little nervous. Dating Tommy Lee was fun in theory, but I'm just too much of a good girl to really deal with all of his problems, even if there is a really decent guy underneath all the tattoos and piercing.

My feelings were a little hurt by his behavior Friday night, but aside from the hurt I was pissed off. Where did that punk ass get off thinking he could ignore me? Well I wasn't about to let him off that easy. I marched my ass over to the studio and banged on the door. I stood there and banged again. I never got an answer. I don't know if he was hiding, passed out or just not there.

I walked back over to the bar and discovered during my absence a group of people had to decided to go to another bar in town. My roommate and ride included. I've only been to this particular bar twice and I've hated it both times. It's just creepy and redneck. I grudgingly agree to go because CAT had come to babysit me earlier in the night and it just didn't seem fair for me to refuse to go with her to the other bar. I did request that we not stay terribly long since I was in a foul ass mood.

We caravan over to the other bar. It's as redneck as I remember. After a few minutes of walking around, CAT and I run into a guy we used to work with. He and his friend are hanging out and his friend is really, really cute. I'm talking straight up adorable. I've seen him before because we have several mutual friends but I've never actually talked to him. Turns out he's funny, smart and sweet. He can also sing, play guitar, is well traveled and a bit on the chunky side. So far this guy is batting pretty high. Oh and he called me beautiful, so there goes one more point to the Chunky guitar player. Suddenly my night is looking up. Way up.

To make a long story short, the guy I used to work with is pretty drunk and Chunky rode with him. Chunky is hell bent on leaving the bar (fine by me) but doesn't want to remove himself from my company just yet. The four of us decide to go back to our house, since it's just a few miles away, and hang out. Chunky and I eventually end up in my room and make out for what seems like hours, until we finally drift off. I'm in a much better mood by this point, even if I am feeling a little slutty. It was kind of nice waking up all wrapped up in a cute, chunky man. When they left the next morning, Chunky said he'd be in touch. I'm doubting it will happen, but I'm sure I'll run into him again in the future. But even if I don't it certainly got me over the whole Tommy Lee incident pretty quickly, and that is a very good thing.

Like a Rolling Stone

2005-09-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

In a very Mary Catherine Gallagher move, I have complied a blog entry made up entirely of Rolling Stones lyrics that best express the weird ass mood I'm in. My only excuse for this display is that I was listening to them last night, loving them is one of the few things Tommy Lee and I have in common and when put in the correct order pretty well sums this catastrophe up. And now for your distinct displeasure...

Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
There's one thing baby
That I don't understand
You keep on telling me
I ain't your kind of man
So don't play with me, cause you're playing with fire
Well you've got no money and I've got no charm
While you're in a panic, I stay so calm
Well I was just out there to have some fun
But it's easier said than done
I ain't going to keep it long, baby
But just long, long enough
You say you're honest but love is for thieves
All the dreams we held so close
Seem to all go up in smoke
I hate that sadness in your eyes
Ain't it time we said good-bye?
I know I dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
As I stand by your flame
I get burned once again
Love is a bed full of blues
Won't drag you down with abuse
In the silk sheet of time
I will find peace of mind

Lyrics pilfered from: Beast of Burden, Angie, Stealing my Heart, Play with Fire, Wild Horses, I've Got the Blues and Losing my Touch.

Karma Chameleon

2005-09-14T12:20:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, Karma is fucking with me. First I attempt to have sex for the first time in quite some time and it sucked. Then I get an email from my ex boyfriend whom I haven't spoken to in years, for very good reasons. Now another ghost of boys past has popped up.

Yesterday my roommate CAT took some film to our friendly 1 hour photo lab. I decided to tag along and take a roll of film that I'd found when I moved. I have no idea what's on the roll, how long it's been lurking, or even if it's mine. Sometimes those mystery rolls can hold some fun surprises. We drop off the film, run a few more errands and return a little over an hour later.

When I'm given my pictures the chick behind the counter asks me if I would like to look through them and see if I'd actually like to keep them or not. Apparently they didn't turn out very well because 1) the film was old, or 2) it had gotten hot at some point. I'm thinking both are extremely likely.

I begin flipping through the pictures and they were from college. There are several of me and various friends doing various retarded and juvenile things. There is my old college apartment, my old college roommate, my old college ass. Then towards the end of the roll I come to a photo and I stop, completely shocked. Sitting in a chair in my old apartment is one of the bigger regrets of my college career.

Michael was guy in my English class junior year. I had a mad crush on him. I'm pretty sure he had a mad crush on me. Both of us were too shy to do anything about it. Besides he was getting ready to graduate and move away. So I did nothing. I have often wondered over the years what might have happened if I'd just opened my mouth and said something. Said anything thing about how I felt. But I'll never know.

I finally got to the point where I didn't really wonder anymore, because what did that accomplish? I'd pushed him out of my mind, save for the very rare occasion. Now all of a sudden there he is looking back at me. I didn't even know I had taken a picture of him, but I'm holding the proof in my hands. I decide to pay for the crappy pictures because, well for some reason I think I should.

I can't help but wonder if the these ghosts of boys past are a sign of some sort. I'll be damned if I know what they're trying to tell me though.

World Gone Wrong

2005-09-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

*Warning this entry may contain more information than you care to know. Nothing is very detailed or graphic in nature, but proceed at your own risk*

I'm not really sure where to begin. There are so many things swirling around in my head that it's hard for me to organize my thoughts. I guess I should just try to begin at the beginning.

I didn't break things off with Tommy Lee as I had planned to. A discussion was had. Boundaries were set forth. Agreements were made. All I can say is that I was satisfied with how the situation turned out. I have no preconceived notion that this is actually going anywhere but I like spending time with him. I don't think that's a bad thing as long as everyone is clear about the situation and on board.

Saw him Monday a week ago. Had fun as usual. We left the bar together and apparently some kind of lurid comment was made. He made me go back into the bar with him and made me sit there for 5 minutes so he could be seen leaving without me. That was kind of sweet although he could've stopped the gossip then and there if he'd just said that we weren't sleeping together.

Saw him Friday night. He was acting kind of odd, but I attributed it to the fact that they had a photo shoot scheduled that night and things weren't going according to plan. After the photo shoot, he's still acting kind of strange. I'm sitting there talking to his friend and all of sudden Tommy Lee just gets up and leaves. Doesn't say anything to anyone. I sit there for awhile and after about 30 minutes I decide to go look for him. I run into him in the alley heading back to the bar. He takes me back inside.

We hang out for a while then he launches into this "I'm nothing but trouble for you. You should just stay away from me. All I'm going to do is disappoint you and make you hate me. Blah, Blah, Blah" What the fuck dude? Then he tells me that when he left earlier he wasn't going to come back. When I asked him why he would do that, he said that he didn't want to have to be honest with me about things. So I sit there for almost 45 minutes while he tells why it's not a good idea to get involved with him romantically. That we should just be friends because if we sleep together then I'll eventually hate him and he just can't stand the thought of me hating him. That he just can't have a girlfriend right now. It's just not possible. And that he should've kept his mouth shut because he's just screwed up the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. (Okay, can we say bi polar?)

What do I do? Inform him that he really likes me and he's just scared (which he completely admits to). Tell him I don't remember asking to be his girlfriend but since he keeps telling me over and over again that he can't have one, I'm left to wonder who he's trying to convenience, me or him. And that I've never considered him long term relationship material but I enjoy his company when he's not being a spaz. Then I make him buy me a few shots and sleep with him anyway (I'd already had made up my mind, Friday night was the night and it's pretty damned hard to dissuade me when my mind is made up). And the sex was not good. In fact I'm not entirely sure we actually had sex. Note to self, Tommy Lee is not at his best after a night of drinking and logistically a 6'3" man on a 3 foot love seat is never a good fit.

I want to leave after the disaster has subsided but he won't let me. He needs to be held. Okay when did I become the guy in this situation? So I hold him, (WTF) and doze off for about an hour and a half. I wake up and decide to leave so I can get a decent night sleep, because it just isn't happening with both of us on a three foot love seat. So I crawl out from under him and begin collecting clothes. Shoes, check. Bra, check. Shirt, check. Purse, check. Pants....okay they have to be around there somewhere. Surely they're just under this blanket. Okay they aren't under the blanket. Nope, not on the drum kit. What's that on the speaker? Oh those are his pants. Maybe they're behind the love seat. Not there either. Damn it, I can't leave without pants!

So I'm trapped with a snoring, naked Tommy Lee and no pants. I have no choice but to crawl back on the love seat with him and try and get some sleep. I doze off and on for a few hours. Somewhere around 7:30 I hear the faint strains of music coming from next door. I think fleetingly that his friend, we'll call him Vince, has an upholstery shop next door. Maybe I should wake him and ask. While I'm thinking of a way to wake him, I fall back asleep. The next thing I know, I'm jolted awake by the sound of a key in the lock. I have enough time to yell "fuck" as I pull the sleeping bag over my head and ass (still haven't found my pants). Tommy Lee is scrambling to cover his bits and pieces as Vince walks through the door.

Vince comes in and starts talking to Tommy as he's looking for something in the back. It was dark in the studio but I fail to see how Vince wouldn't notice that the lump on the love seat was much bigger than it should have been. Tommy swears he didn't even look over at us but I'm not buying it. My head was covered and my ass was covered, but other than that I'm not sure what was sticking out. After Vince leaves we start throwing clothes on in a hurry. Tommy finds my pants in love seat. He'd been sleeping on them. Then we make sure the coast is clear and sneak over to my car. He kisses me, bums a cigarette, kisses me again and walks off.

I haven't talked to him since and I know he's going to be weird about the whole thing. In fact I completely expect him to avoid me for as long as he possibly can. Oddly enough I'm okay with that. I was ready and it was time. Enough said. Besides, he'll come around. He always does. And I should at least get a decent night of sex out of this whole thing. He owes me that much for putting up with his bullshit.

Now here comes the really fucked up part. This morning I get to work and open my personal email. I see a name in the in box. I blink hard, hoping I'm just seeing things. Nope, there's my ex boyfriend's name, bold as brass. I haven't spoken to him in years. This is the guy that ripped my heart out of my chest, drove spikes through it, ran over it, set it on fire, put it in a blender and hit frappe, then gave it back to me and repeated the entire process about three more times. He left me an utter mess and it's taken me years to get past some of that shit. Now when I'm finally right there, it's like he knows and decides to "drop me a line". Here's the email for your viewing pleasure.

Sitting here messing around the internet and saw your name so I thought I'd see how life was. Hope all is well, hate I could not make the class reunion, but (old high school friend) said he saw you thier. I am doing well serving in the army, station in Hawaii so I guess it could be alot worse. anyway just wanted to say hey. take care and write back if you ever get a chance. Later Jackass who broke your heart (okay so I added that last bit)

Needless to say spelling and grammar were never his strong suits. Yet another reason why it wouldn't have worked out in the end, but I digress.

What the fuck is this about? I know for a fact that he got married a few years back and they spit out a kid, yet no mention of wife or kid. I'm just dumbfounded. I thought I made it pretty clear back in college that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and for years it seemed he understood that. Now I guess he thinks that enough time has passed that we can be pen pals. Yeah I don't think so Bubba. It's like he knew, somehow that I was sleeping with someone else so he just had to write and fuck with my head. I don't know what to think other than Karma has a twisted sense of humor where I'm concerned. Now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I should write him back or just ignore it completely. Damn my life just got messy.

Dr. Feelgood

2005-09-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

I've been sick this week with some kind of cold/infection. I sound like shit. I feel like shit. All I want to do is sleep and the doctor really didn't even give me good drugs. Why can't I have the cough syrup with codeine? Also I was supposed to hang out with Tommy Lee Wednesday but couldn't because I was too exhausted to tie my shoes. OH and the antibiotics I'm on are fucking with my birth control which is always fun. Fuck, I hate being sick.

Skull Ring (part two)

2005-09-01T14:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen this is the one, the only skull ring. I couldn't bear to keep it's fantastic-ness all to myself so I'm sharing it with you. Please note the intricate detail, the gleam of this metal like surface, the adjustable band. It is quite the token and it's mine, all mine (well at least until I see him again and give it back).

Driving Me to Drink

2005-09-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

Okay here's a recap of what's going on in my life these days.

- Tommy Lee told me he'd call me last Friday. I haven't seen or heard from him since Thursday night.

- Got sensationally drunk Tuesday night off dirty martinis because I was so pissed at Mr. Lee

- Spent late Tuesday night with my head in a trash can puking up olives and popcorn.

- Gained a little mental clarity while my head was in said trash can. I don't think things are going to work out for me and Tommy. He's too damned flaky and I'm not. When you tell me you'll do something I kind of expect you to do it. I like him and if we keep "dating" I don't think I will in the end.

- Spent Wednesday piled up on the couch watching really crappy daytime television and napping.

- Stopped by the bar while out searching for gas last night. Tommy was at the studio across the ally rehearsing. Didn't see him. Saw cute bartender boy instead.

- Woke up to sound of dogs fighting the in front yard at 4:30 this morning. Got up to investigate. Found cute bartender boy passed out on the couch.

- Kept hoping cute bartender boy would get lost on the way to the bathroom and end up in my room instead. (Didn't happen)

- Had to wake cute bartender boy and kick him out of the house on my way to work this morning. Realized after it took several attempts to wake him that I could've had my way with him this morning and he'd never have known.

So there you have the "days of my life". I know many of you are enjoying the Tommy Lee saga and I hate to disappoint, but he's annoying the shit out of me. I have fun when I'm with him but once I get out of sight he seems to forget I exist. That doesn't work for me. I need a man who can pick up a fucking phone when he says he will. I'll keep you posted on any new developments.

Baby Love

2005-08-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend with my nephew. Every time I see him I fall a little more in love with him even though I never think it's possible to love him more than I already do. But come on, who could resist this cute little monkey?

Skull Ring

2005-08-26T04:27:00.000-05:00

Okay you were all right. I really had no reason to freak out at this point but it's what I do. I told you I suck at dating and I was right.

I ran into Tommy Lee at the bar we met in, last night and everything was fine. Well things were a little weird at first. Almost like he didn't know what to say to me. After a few minutes though, all seemed well. I did find out that he's piss ass poor at the moment so I'm thinking that might have something to do with him not calling and asking me out again. The poor bastard can't afford too. As a good gesture I bought him a PBR and paid for my own beers. Hopefully he got the message: "I work, I can pay for my own shit".

Then he did something that I'm still a little baffled about. I had some silver bangles on and he took them off my wrist and was kind of playing with them. He asked if he could have them and I told him no, because I just bought them Saturday. He told me I could at least give him one of them since I had multiples, so he put one on his wrist. Then he took off his skull ring, yes folks, his skull ring (that I've never seen him without) and put it on my finger and told me I could have it. What the fuck? Did I just get pinned by Tommy Lee? Oh well I'm just not going to think too hard about it at the moment. I honestly don't think I can. But when I got ready to leave he did walk me out and I got mad smooches so that's always good.

All I can say is that I'm learning, I'm trying new things and I'm bound to get freaked out from time to time here. I'm so out of my element it isn't funny. So just bear with me and enjoy the freak show while it lasts.

*Thanks to Iggy Pop for today's blog title. Who knew there is acutally a song called "Skull Ring"?

Idiot Boyfriend

2005-08-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

He's not my boyfriend but other than that, a pretty appropriate title. Tommy Lee is steadily reminding me why I don't date. It sucks and I suck at it. Uncertainty is not something I deal all that well with, and let's face it, the dating world is full of uncertainty.

After a very nice weekend hanging out with him. After he flat out tells me that he likes me. After his boss asks him if I'm his girlfriend and he tells him I am. After the whole discussion of "stupid/scary/bad things I did when I was younger" that didn't scare me off. After not one, but two marriage proposals on Saturday night. After holding my hand every chance he got. I'm beginning to wonder if he's flaking out on me.

He called Sunday. He called Monday. I called him Tuesday to ask if he wanted to meet us out for some drinks to celebrate me losing a person (at least a small one). He didn't come. Yesterday he didn't call. What the fuck? Am I a leper all of a sudden?

Of course now I'm beginning to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I'm over analyzing everything to the 10th degree and it's making me nuts. I hate this bullshit. I'm hoping one day the man of my dreams will just fall from the sky in front of me and we'll get married, have kids and live happily ever after. The end.

100 Years Ago

2005-08-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

Okay so not 100 years ago but as of today I've lost 100 pounds. Last week I only had one pound to go and you wouldn't think that 1 pound would make that much difference. Apparently it did. I came back from working out at the gym on my lunch break and logged my weight into Weight Watchers online. When I clicked the submit button, I got a lovely little "congratulations you've lost 100 pounds" announcement and promptly started to cry. It was happy crying but still quite unexpected. I didn't know that 1 pound would be so emotional but it really was. This experience has changed me on the inside just as much as it has on the outside. I've shed some issues along with those pounds and I really feel like that was a good thing. I am really happy and kind of proud of myself. In fact I think this is worthy of a little celebration tonight. Cheers!

First Date

2005-08-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well my date with Tommy Lee actually went much better than expected. He brought me a flower when he came to pick me up (on time). He took me to a sushi restaurant for dinner even though he doesn't care for it, but knew I did. He asked if he could hold my hand and asked if he could give me a good night kiss. Who knew Tommy Lee was such a gentleman. Apparently he only talks big in public but when he had me alone he didn't try anything inappropriate. I thought that was nice. It went well enough that I agreed to see him again on Saturday.

His band was playing at a festival here in town Saturday afternoon and he asked if I would come. We hung out from about 6:00 Saturday afternoon until 2:30 Sunday morning. We talked a lot and he was very honest with me about some things from his past. I really was impressed that he was up front with me. He told me he didn't want me to find out down the road and feel like I'd be lied to. The honesty thing is not the norm but it's actually really nice.

I haven't seen him since Sunday morning but he's called both days since. I like not having to wonder if he likes me. I know he does because he just came right out and told me. He's like a mutant strain of man, but in a good way.

I enjoyed spending time with him. He's not who I thought he was. I'd like to get to know him better. And he makes me laugh. I'd say things went well and I'm taking it one day at a time.

Rock n' Roll All Nite

2005-08-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

So here's the skinny. I have a date tonight. Yes, a date. That in it's self is saying something considering the last real date I had was years ago. Here comes the fucked up part. I have a date with a guy that is the farthest thing from my type that I could possibly imagine. Ordinarily I go after smart, college educated, funny, accomplished, tallish, healthy, sweet guys who would be good marriage material. This guy is a drummer in a band, tattooed, drinks too much, smokes too much, wears ratty shirts with the sleeves cut off, really tall, really skinny, world educated, not stupid, horny and would be horrible marriage material. Basically I've agreed to go on a date with this Alabama town's version of Tommy Lee.

What is a nice girl like me doing with a guy like this? I haven't a clue. The only thing that I can really see that we have in common is a passion for the Rolling Stones. Yet when he asked me out I couldn't think of any reason to say no because I wanted to say yes. So I did.

He called Wednesday to finalize plans for tonight and informed me for this special occasion he would wear a shirt with sleeves. I'm going on a date with a man who thinks sleeves on a shirt is "fancy". God help me. I on the other hand, am wearing a demure yet sexy black top, my skinny jeans and my favorite sassy black heels. I suppose we'll look like the princess and the rockstar.

Having said all that I am looking forward to tonight. On the occasions that we've hung out I do have a good time. He makes me laugh and he's everything that I'm not which I find incredibly interesting. The only part of the date that I'm a little worried about is the goodnight kiss. I'm still not really sure that I can go there but I know he'll do everything he can to try and get one. He's been trying to get me to make out/sleep with him since the first time I met him. Usually that approach just pisses me off, but coming from him, it's oddly charming. Go figure.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

2005-07-05T15:28:00.000-05:00

We are sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming with an emergency message...

Call it writer's block. Call it lack of interest. Call it not wanting my sad, little life splashed across a computer screen. Who cares what you call it. I'm calling it a hiatus. Like when your favorite sitcom shows nothing but reruns for a few months. I'm taking time off. Don't doubt that I won't be checking in to see what's on your station, but mine will be off the air for a bit. Who knows, maybe the new season will rock, and then again it might suck. And since I didn't leave a cliffhanger no one may be all that interested in the show when I'm back on the air. Until next time...

"But, I'm leavin' on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again. Oh babe, I hate to go." - John Denver

Movin' Out

2005-06-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

*I never realized how much I use Billy Joel songs as my blog titles until just now. Weird. I'm not even a huge Billy fan. You'd think I love him like I love the Stones.*

I hate moving. It sucks big time. The last two times I've moved I got to do it on the company dime. That rocks. You pay other people to come move all your shit. This time I'm moving my own shit and I don't like it. Especially since all my shit won't fit into a 10' X 10' room. Ahh, the price we pay to save money.

I'm sore, I'm tired and frankly a little grumpy. I've been moving for a week and it's starting to wear on me.

I Will Survive

2005-06-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

I depended on you. You were supposed to be there for me. In reality you just brought me down and made me sad. I put so much time and effort into you but what I received in return was fleeting. The happy moments and laughter didn't last. The sadness and turmoil you wouldn't let me leave behind. Just when I let my guard down you would throw it back in my face and make me relive it all over again. You made me cry too often. It took me awhile to see that ours was not a healthy relationship. That I was the one investing my time. That I was the one sharing all of my emotions. Many times my words fell on deaf ears and sometimes you ignored me all together.

It's funny that I didn't even realize how little I needed you until you were gone. I wasn't even the one who sent you away but I'm glad you left. You disappeared and it made my world so much lighter and brighter. If I had known getting rid of you would have yielded those kinds of results I would have ditched you a long time ago.

We can still be friends, though. I can talk to you from time to time. I know that I don't need you and I'm fine on my own. I don't really miss you at all. I don't have the desire to be with you constantly anymore. I find no gratification in your embrace. I'm not elated by your random bursts of love and laughter. I find these days they don't affect me one way or the other. I'm pretty indifferent to you. I guess I wasn't as into you as I thought.

Most surprising to me is that I am happier without you.

I Am Woman

2005-06-17T15:45:00.000-05:00

I'm sure most of you have seen this email before. I know I have. But each time I've received it I've been reminded how extremely proud I am to be a woman. This is true of so many of the women in my life. I am lucky to have such women around me. Women who I look to for love, guidance and friendship. I only hope that I measure up half as well. Granted this is a little more Jesus than I typically go, but the message is such a positive one that I can't help but share.

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Poetry in Motion

2005-06-16T10:46:00.000-05:00

As I was packing some books last night, I came across my copy of "Where the Sidewalk Ends". I've loved this book since I was a little girl and it's probably where my love of poetry began. I was flipping through it and I came across one of my favorite poems. Even though it is aimed towards children, I find this particular poem still resonates with me now.

The One Who Stayed
By Shel Silverstein

You should have heard the old me cry,
You should have heard the biddies
When that sad stranger raised his flute
And piped away the kiddies.

Katy,Tommy, Meg and Bob
Followed, skipping gaily,
Red-haired Ruth, my brother Rob
And little crippled Baily,

John and Nils and Cousin Claire,
Dancin', spinnin', turnin'
'Cross the hills to God knows where-
They never came returnin'.

'Cross the hills to God know where
The piper pranced, a leadin'
Each child in Hamlin Town but me,
And I stayed home unheedin'.

My papa says that I was blest
For if that music found me,
I'd be witch-cast like the rest.
This town grows old around me.

I cannot say I did not hear
That sound so haunting hollow-
I heard, I heard, I heard it clear...
I was afraid to follow.

Fresh Start

2005-06-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well I accidentally deleted my blog today. Yes, really it was an accident. I clicked cancel and it was deleted anyway. Oddly enough I find that I'm not really upset about it. I thought I would be but I'm not. I guess sometimes mistakes are good things. It was quite freeing actually. I can't get back those posts even if I wanted to, and maybe in some cases that's for the best. Onward and upward...