Brand New Chimichanga

Thank You Cleveland and Good Night

2008-06-27T19:25:00.003-05:00

I know I've been M.I.A for, well over a year now, but busy wasn't the word. Since then I've graduated from culinary school, moved in with the Big Bad Wolf, got a real job, lost my grandmother, and the Big Bad Wolf and I called it quits 3 weeks ago. I am still here. I am still kicking, and I will survive, but my life as I knew it before doesn't really exsist. I quit my job, I've left Charlotte and now I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Picking up the pieces I guess, but this chapter, this blog is over. Thanks to everyone who read and cared. I'm out...

We Are Family

2007-05-10T18:36:00.000-05:00

It seems that a family crisis can bring about many things. Some families choose to pull together and other families are completely torn apart. I would like to think that my family would choose to pull together and support one another, and my immediate family would. My extended family on the other hand is a completely different story. I am very sad to say that I have some of the most infantile, selfish people in my extended family. Most times I'm ashamed that we come from the same gene pool.

My grandmother is in the hospital at the moment and it's pretty much touch and go at this point. In fact she was doing so poorly last night that my parents had to have a serious talk about calling me and asking me to leave school and come home. They ultimately decided to wait until morning and re-evaluate the situation. Thankfully she pulled through the night and has improved a bit over the course of the day. By no means is she out of the woods, but improvement is improvement.

My mother who married into this family, has gone to the hospital daily, missed work, and rearranged her schedule to be there for my grandmother and my father. In fact she is the one who has helped to care for my grandmother and even took her to the hospital. My mother is seeking nothing in return for her efforts. She loves my grandmother and my father and this is just what you do for your family. It's as simple as that.

One of my grandmother's own children it seems is too busy to make the trip from out of town to come see her. Not only is this woman in ICU but it's Mother's Day weekend and her 85th birthday is in 8 days. Oh and I'd like to mention that said child is RETIRED! Not only is her child not coming but they also see fit not to return my parents phone calls to keep them updated and choose to speak directly with the nurses at the hospital. Can I add that my own mother is a nurse in an ICU unit at a much larger hospital? Plus when the jackass calls to speak with the nurses they are completely rude! These people are taking care of their mother and they deserve more respect than to be talked to so rudely.

The whole situation just pisses me off...

I Just Called To Say I Love You

2007-05-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

The Big Bad Wolf and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary this weekend. We still haven't said "I love you". I've been wanting to tell him for the last few weeks but I just don't seem to be able to get the words out. I keep waiting for "the perfect time" and it's just not happening. Well that and the fact that I'm petrified that I'll say it and he won't say it back. I don't know what's worse, him not feeling the same way or keeping the words inside.

Love Me Tender

2007-01-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think my relationship with the Big Bad Wolf is like a muscle. When you tear it down a little it just grows back a bit stronger. We totally had that moment yesterday. The weekend was a mixed bag. There were parts of it that were really great. The nice dinner at the tapas restaurant. The out of town shopping trip. Sharing the gelato. Grabbing my hand while strolling around window shopping. Coffee and the morning paper. There was some crap that came along with it too. Preoccupation on my part that put a damper on things. A misunderstanding that led to some hurt feelings and tears.

Finally we talked it all out over brunch Sunday and I got everything off my chest (well with the exception of one thing, but he doesn't need to know about that just yet). I think both of us felt immensely better afterwards. I know I did. It was like a ton of bricks had be unloaded off my chest. I could breath again.

That night I was totally in the mood to make dinner so I did. I bought wine and made bruschetta, and vodka cream sauce, and a lovely dessert of fresh pears, walnuts, blue cheese and balsamic reduction. And I did this all for my BOYFRIEND. We had such a nice night and there was such a wonderfully intimate vibe (and no I'm not talking about sex). At one point I'm sure that he considered telling me he loved me. I could see it in his eyes and for now that's enough. Quite possibly the best part about last night was falling asleep curled into him with my hand tucked into his. That might be the best sleep I've ever had.

Fake Plastic Trees

2007-01-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

I should totally be doing something constructive at the moment but I just don't feel like it. I need to clean my apartment, do laundry, research a paper, shave my legs and paint my toenails but instead I'm sitting on the couch in my sweatpants playing on the laptop my parents gave me for Christmas, and musing. About what you might ask? Well lots of things actually. Here they are in no particular order.

- I'm obsessing about my weight because I've gained a little since school started. I knew I would, it being culinary school and all, but it's driving me nuts. It's kind of strange that it didn't bother me as much when I was like 80 pounds heavier like it does now. I guess because I realize that I don't want to be that person ever again and I'm a little panicked that I'm back sliding. Plus I never had a man when my ass was that fat and I guess I'm a little worried about how the Big Bad Wolf sees me these days.

- Which I guess brings me to the next issue. I can't help but wonder why in the hell the Big Bad Wolf hardly ever compliments me. I don't have to have constant compliments but they would be nice every so often. Especially now that I've gained a few and am not feeling as pretty as I normally do. I wonder if he also doesn't find me as attractive as he initially did. Or perhaps he could just be a boy and not think and I could be a girl and over think.

- Every four or five days I consider calling things off with the Big Bad Wolf. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it has more to do with me than it does him, though. Sadly, I haven't been in a real relationship for this long in quite some time. Scared to death doesn't even come close to describing the fear I feel. I think sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to cut bait and run (don't you just love those Southern expressions?).

- I have about a million questions I want to ask him but I never do. Instead they just circulate through my head over and over and over again. Then I begin to worry if I should just ask them or if I should just keep them to myself.

Now I'm even driving myself crazy in blogland. This is a loosing battle so I'm out...

Fight For Your Right (To Party)

2007-01-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well I have to say that I just had the best weekend I've had in a really long time. I should totally be doing homework right now, as I have tons, but I just have to share with blogland first. First of all the Big Bad Wolf has a job now. He works a few nights a week at the bar that we frequent. Now that he has a job we have two schedules to work around so we don't have as much to spend together as we used to (not that I'm complaining).

So after not seeing him outside of class since Monday, he asked me if I wanted to do something Friday night. I got a little dressed up and we went to our bar. All we did was sit there and drink (and I got a little happy off some Pinot) but I had the best time with him. We talked, I mean really talked, we drank, we laughed, we kissed. We went home and well did other things. I felt a connection to him that night that I really haven't felt before. I guess because he opened up to me about some personal things. Anyway it was just a great night.

I went to work the next morning (a bit hungover). I had been kind of blue about the fact that I couldn't make it to J's 30th on Saturday because they wouldn't let me off work. I really wanted to go and was royally pissed that I couldn't get 3 1/2 hours off so I could go. J called me and I just felt a little lost and so sad that I couldn't see my friends.

Basically on the way home from work I decided right then and there that I was going to Atlanta anyway. Even though I had a ton of homework due Monday. Even though I would get to spend less than 24 hours with my friends. Even though I was exhausted, I needed to see my friends. And I'm so glad I went because I had the best time.

There were hugs, jello shots, and PJ abundant. There were also so many laughs and tons of dancing. It felt good to be "home" again. Though it was hardly relaxing and I got little sleep, seeing everyone totally recharged my batteries. I had such a great time and I can't wait until I can see them again.

Sea of Love

2007-01-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Okay so maybe not love, but like, at the very least. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that I dove. I think I might be the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend or something. I met two of his best friend's over the New Year's weekend and both of them at some point called me his girlfriend. He didn't correct them so I guess I am. I haven't had a real boyfriend in a really, really long time.

Tommy Lee certainly wasn't a real boyfriend. Who knows what the fuck he was. Mr. 40+ wasn't a real boyfriend because, when it came right down to it, I just didn't feel that way about him. The Young Republican, well he dumped me for being a Democrat before we really got that far. That was pretty much the case with the Cowboy too.

God, I'm not sure I really know how to be someone's girlfriend. In fact I think I might suck at it. I'm still scared to death that I might very well regret this whole involvement with the Big Bad Wolf, but it's pretty much too late for that now. I'm part of a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the one hand I love Sunday mornings when we sleep in at his house. He makes coffee and gets the paper, which we both sit at the table and read. He reads the sports section and the front page and I read the local section and the comics. Sometimes he makes me breakfast and sometimes we throw on clothes and head to a diner for eggs and bacon. We usually round out the day with a trip to the bookstore or watching a movie and napping on the couch. That is the couple-dom that I like. Actually this the part of being with him that I love.

The part I hate is the anticipation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some reason I have it in my head that the shit will hit the fan at some point or another. Why can't I just enjoy things the way they are instead of waiting for the total nuclear annihilation? And I know part of it has to do with his past, but a lot of it has to do with mine too. I've had so many guys just completely flake out on me that I've just come to expect it. When the hell did I become so cynical? Me, the girl who cries at the end of every sad, sappy romantic comedy? Or perhaps it's because I never get what I really want.

Dizzy

2006-12-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

I don't honestly know which end is up at the moment. I have no time for anything. School is busy is hell. Work is busy as hell. I feel bad because everyone keeps wanting to know when I'm going to come visit and I just don't know when I'll have time to. In the little spare time that I have homework needs to be done, so does laundry, and cleaning and bathing. I'm constantly tired. I can sleep anywhere at anytime these days. I'm starting to get totally forgetful. I keep leaving my phone at home. I forgot my password to get into my email at school. I forget to pay bills. I keep food in my car because that's the only time I really have a chance to eat something. People keep telling me I look tired all the time. I have a cough that won't go away. I've had a sore throat for the last 3 days and I honestly just don't have the time or the money to go see a doctor. I can feel the sanity slipping. I'm way over due for the breakdown.

Swan Dive

2006-12-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am quite the jumble here lately. Every one seems to have an opinion about what I should do concerning the Big Bad Wolf. For the most part, people think I should just cut bait and run. A few think I should wait things out a bit, and my romantically idealistic soul sister is all for me diving in head first. In fact she wrote an entry that's really got me thinking about things. To plunge or not to plunge. That is the question that weighs heavily on my mind.

It basically boils down to one thing: I'M SCARED. I'm scared that if I become involved with the Big Bad Wolf any further that he's going to hurt me, badly. What if he cheats on me just like Crazy Bitch said he would? On the other hand I'm scared of missing out on what could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. What if he turns out to be THE ONE? I just wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me if this guy is a whammy or not.

But really when you think about it, aside from Crazy Bitch, how is this relationship any different from any other new relationship. There is always a risk. There is always the unknown. I just have a little more background information than normal. I just keep reminding myself that he hasn't done anything to me. It sucks that I mistrust him for things he did before he even knew me, but I do. I have this little voice in the back of my head that is filled with doubt. Wondering if the sweet things he does and says are sincere. I want them to be. I want to think that I'm special. Thing is I might not be. I could be just like all the others. I spent way too much time telling myself I was special to Tommy Lee and to this day I'm not sure if it's true or not. I don't want to go down that road again.

I've been warned. I've got my doubts. I've got my guard up. I'm teetering on the edge of the diving board, scared, trying to decide if I want to jump.

On to other news...
Speaking of Tommy Lee (we were, weren't we?), he called me Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. I hadn't heard from him since early October. I found that it was really good talking to him and catching up. He seems good and I'm glad. I didn't have that old familiar feeling of a hollow spot in my chest upon hearing his voice. I think that's a great thing. I missed, I mourned, I got over it. That's how I work. It may not go as quickly as some would like and it may not be so pretty at times but I have to work through things in my own time in my own way. I think I'm there.

Paint It Black

2006-12-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Well so far nothing more from the Crazy Bitch. I think she's embarrassed enough about her feeble suicide attempt, (and no I'm not making light, but this girl didn't want to harm herself in any way really) that she made such a big deal about that I don't know that I'll hear from her anymore. That's a good thing. I need less crazy in my life.

As for things with the Big Bad Wolf. I don't know what to do. If you remove all the crap that's happened I still like him. I still have a lot of fun hanging out with him. I still think he's incredibly sweet. Unfortunately I can't remove all the crap. I just have to get past it or not. I'm not past it yet. I'm simply trying to decide if he's worth it. What if I decide that he is and we work through things only to have him cheat on me like he has almost every girlfriend he's ever had? That would make me a complete asshole...

Why can't I ever do things easy?

Crazy Train

2006-11-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

I don't really have time to go into the details right now but suffice to say this girl is nuts. Things have gone from bad to nightmarish hell. More phone calls, her randomly showing up at the Big Bad Wolf's house, a failed suicide attempt and a hospital visit later I think it's safe to say that I'm out. I don't need this drama and I don't deserve it. I hate that I ever got sucked into all this crazy bullshit.

The one good thing I can say is that it's totally taken my mind off turning 30. I haven't cried once about it. In fact I'm just happy to be here for these past 30 years.

Your Cheating Heart

2006-11-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

I think I have the complete opposite of the Midas touch. Everything I seem to touch just turns to shit. I've managed to be some what drama free for the last few weeks and now drama has come knocking with a battling ram.

The Big Bad Wolf's ex-girlfriend has waged a war against me. I've gotten text messages, phone calls, nasty voicemails and even a page on MySpace. I've been labeled a home wrecking whore. Do I frankly care? Not really. Sticks and stones...

Unfortunately some rather unsavory facts about the Big Bad Wolf himself have surfaced in the process. The words serial cheater are still lingering on my voicemail. I didn't take a pissed off ex-girlfriend's words at face value so I asked him about it and got some conformation. Apparently he hasn't cheated on EVERY girlfriend he's had as she claimed, but he's cheated a fair amount. Now that's something that warms the cockles of my heart.

At this point I don't know what to think or to believe. I want to think he's sincere when he says the things that he does, but now everything seems suspect. Apparently he has an M.O. and he's been using it on me since day one. When we didn't see each other for the week of Thanksgiving break, he'd send me text messages telling me how much he missed me and how he wished he were with me. Yeah I'm nothing special because that seems to be one of his "things" according to the MySpace page. As does sending flowers when he's in trouble. I swear if I get flowers I'll scream, but I probably don't even warrant flowers at this point.

Not only do I not know if I can trust him, I don't even know if I can trust myself anymore. I used to think that I was a good judge of character but I fucking screwed the pooch on this one. My words from earlier posts are coming back to haunt me. How excited I was and how this time it felt so different. Turns out it wasn't any different. It was the same old shit just gift wrapped in pretty paper with a bow. God, I'm a fucking idiot.

I haven't completely closed the door on this one, but I just don't see how things can work. This is no kind of way to begin a relationship. The trust is gone and I'm suspicious of everything now. I hate being that girl and I doubt I'll be her for very long.

So here I am, 3 days away from my 30th birthday and the thing that I was so excited about has literally gone from sugar to shit at mach speed. It's getting harder every day to believe that I will find love with a man who actually deserves it.

Happy Together

2006-11-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am so completely freaked out right now. This thing with the Big Bad Wolf just feels so different than any other relationship, semi-relationship or quasi-relationship I've ever had. I'm so unbelievably happy when I'm with him. He actually takes me out once in a while. Yes like a real date. We have great chemistry, which apparently we haven't been able to hide from pretty much anyone. He makes me laugh. He's smart. He's incredibly sweet. Oh God, I really, really like him.

Learning to Fly

2006-11-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Little did I know as I was writing my post Saturday that the Big Bad Wolf's girlfriend was in the process of moving out. They broke up. Saturday night he called me and wanted to hang out but I was busy (watching movies at the New Yankee's house, hello we're just friends). I politely declined.

Sunday he was making dinner and invited me over. I knew I shouldn't go over there but I really, really wanted to and I just couldn't resist. I went for dinner and had a great time. We hung out in the kitchen drinking beer while he finished up dinner, then we ate and watched a movie. After the movie it finally happened. He kissed me. And I kissed him back and we literally kissed for an hour. It was great and dinner was pretty good too. I finally went home and fell into bed.

Things were a bit awkward in class yesterday but not horribly so. We managed to get through it it with some jokes and sly smiles. We walked to our cars last night and he asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I said okay and we each went home to wash the kitchen smells off. He came over and we hung out for a bit then went to grab a few beers. Then we came back to my apartment and we made out for like an hour and a half. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Like I said before I been waiting for this to happen for such a long time and never really thought it would.

I have no problem what so ever talking to him and we have a great deal in common. I think that's a good thing. Plus he's the kind of guy that I've always kind of imaged myself with. In short I like him a lot. A lot, a lot and that scares the crap out of me. Any time I really like someone it just seems to crash and burn, horribly. Plus the whole I just broke up with my girlfriend freaks me out too. I just feel like it's too soon for he and I to be seeing each other but it's happened now and there's not a lot I can do about it. But I don't pretend that I'm the only reason the Big Bad Wolf and his girlfriend broke up. They were obviously having problems anyway because who in their right mind would break up with someone they were serious enough about to live with for me? That's crazy.

Anyway I'm excited and scared all at the same time but not so scared that I'm not going to move forward with him. I honestly don't see that I have any other option. I like him too much not to try. I just hope this crush doesn't turn into a crash because if it does I have a feeling this one might put me in traction...

You Give Love a Bad Name

2006-11-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

Well lots of new developments on the Big Bad Wolf front. He and his girlfriend are having problems. Apparently they've been fighting all week and B.B.W. made the comment that he might be joining the ranks of the single again. I feel like a complete bitch though, cause I'm so not upset that they might break up. Sadly part of me is egging him on. I'm such a bad person...

I had car trouble this week so the Big Bad Wolf had to pick me up and drop me off for school two days in a row. The first night he asked if he could come in and use the bathroom. I let him in. Then we stood there in very awkward conversation for a few minutes. I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he didn't. Finally I told him to go home, so he did.

The next night he decided he needed to walk me to my door. So when we got to the door, more awkward silence so to break it I invite him in. We stand around for several more minutes, more awkward chit-chat. Finally he says he needs to leave so I walk him out. More long minutes of awkward chatter then it happens. He puts his hands around my waist and leans in. I stop him and tell him to go home.

It almost killed me. God, the look on his face was awful. I explained that it wasn't that I didn't want him to kiss me but he had a girlfriend. I also told him that I didn't know what was going on between him and his girlfriend but for both of our sake I was trying to stay out of it and not complicate things any more for him until he figured out what he wanted. He finally left and I wanted to smack myself in the head. He tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let him. I've been hoping for this moment for weeks and then it presents it's self and I push him away. Damn it why do I have to have good moral fiber? This guy has made me all kinds of bajigity and I don't like it!

Bad Boys

2006-10-22T20:00:00.000-05:00

Okay so I broke up with the New Yankee today. I know, I know, but we just weren't that compatible dating wise. He's a really great guy but he just wasn't the guy for me. The break up was kind of mutual and we've agreed that we can totally be friends. I'm happy about that because he's such good friends with my cousin and I do genuinely like him as a person. In fact I'm supposed to over to his house later tonight to watch the Dead Like Me episodes that he TiVoed for me. All's well that ends well I guess.

So onto the Big Bad Wolf. I have to do a little set up here. His birthday was two weeks ago and his girlfriend (who he lives with) was out of town so another guy from class and I took him out for a few beers. While we're sitting there I ask him if he's made a birthday wish. He told me yes, so I ask what it is. He told me he couldn't tell me. I said, "oh is that because it won't come true?" He told me he couldn't tell me because it was dirty. I finally pried it out of him and what he wanted was a blow job. I told him maybe he could get one when his girlfriend came back and he didn't seem to think so. I said that was a shame because I actually didn't mind giving them (I know, but I couldn't help it). And he said, "damn it, don't tell me that!"

I eventually went home and left the Big Bad Wolf and the other guy still drinking. I got up the next morning and noticed that I had a text message. I figured it was from the New Yankee but it was from the Big Bad Wolf. It said, "where's the bj?" I sent one back informing him that it wasn't his birthday anymore. Thankfully he found that highly amusing and we went on with life.

This past Wednesday as I mentioned in my previous post, we were walking to our cars and he said, "can I ask you a question?" I told him sure. Then he says, "would you ever consider giving me what I asked for on my birthday?" Yeah I was speechless for a full minute trying to decide how to answer him. So I told him that I didn't get involved with people in relationships and he told me that he didn't expect anything but was just asking because he wanted to know (okay slightly weird). Then I told him if the situation were different I'd have to heavily consider. Then we both said, "see you tomorrow" and got in our cars and left.

Amazingly enough things weren't really weird between us the next day in class, but I have to wonder what the purpose of him asking me that was. Did he really think I was going to blow him in the parking lot or was he just trying to find out if I liked him. Guys are so fucking weird...

Wild Eyed Southern Boys

2006-10-18T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well now that things are going in the right direction for me career/school wise, I'm in a much better frame of mind. I love school. I sound like such an asshole for saying that but I can't help it. I wish I'd found this calling a little earlier but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I was meant to be here at this time; no sooner, no later.

Things on the relationship front could be better. The New Yankee puzzles me. He says he really likes me but sometimes his actions could suggest otherwise. I'm not sure if he's unsure about me or just unsure about women in general. He could just be THAT clueless. He irritates the shit out of me on a regular basis and it seems like every time I see him face to face I have some new issue to bring up. The real kicker is when he told me that he can't sleep in the same bed with anyone.

Ummm, okay so Tommy Lee and I slept in the same bed together for months and he wouldn't fuck me and now I have the New Yankee who will fuck me but won't sleep in the same bed with me. I find this more than ironic. Can't I just have a guy who will do both? I don't think it's too much for a girl to ask.

Then I have the Big Bad Wolf in my culinary classes. He's smart, he's funny, he's adorable and of course he has a girlfriend. We've been hanging out outside of class, chaperoned by one of the other guys in our class. Okay so we're all friends and we go out for beers every so often. I love these guys, but the Big Bad Wolf and I definitely have a flirtation going on. I can't help it. I'm a bit of a flirt. LBG was here this weekend and she and T and J came out with me and the culinary boys. LBG totally says it's obvious that we like each other. Okay not good but I think it's true. Then tonight as we walked to the parking lot from class the Big Bad Wolf asked me a question that left ME speechless. This wasn't your run of the mill question and it took me a full minute to respond. I'm so confused...

Soul Kitchen

2006-10-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post but I have no time for anything anymore. I love culinary school even when it's a bitch. I totally think I've found my calling. I've had two classes so far and my lowest grade was an A. I'm a cooking nerd and proud of it.

Tommy Lee and I don't really talk anymore and that's okay because I knew it was coming to an end anyway. I'm sure things will still be cool then next time I go visit (whenever the hell that might be), but I guess we both needed to move on. I still think of him and miss him but it's a lot different now than it was even a month ago. Then I was still crying because I missed him so much.

As if I didn't have enough going on with school and my new job, I also have a new boy. I met the New Yankee my first week here in Charlotte at his birthday party (he's a friend of my cousin). He's so sweet I honestly didn't know how to react to him at first. He likes rubbing my feet too which is always a good thing in my book. So far things are going really well with us and it seems to be a much more adult relationship than I've had in quite some time.

So there you go, a very quick recap of my life this last month. I'll try to get better at posting, but if I don't, please excuse me as I'm attempting to make ALL of my dreams come true.

Hope everyone in blogland is happy and well!

Back to School

2006-09-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've been busy since my last post. I left Alabama and cried the whole way. I felt sorry for myself for a day or two. I mourned, I cried, I drank a lot of Highlife. Then I had to get the fuck over it because I had too much to do before the move.

Now I'm officially in Charlotte, I have an apartment and I started class Tuesday. I'm busy and exhausted but all is pretty good. My furniture comes tomorrow so this is my last night on the air mattress. Oh and I got my cable hooked up this morning before class and the cable guy REALLY hooked me up. I'm getting like 60 or 70 channels for $10 bucks a month! Yea cable guy!

Oh and Tommy called me Wednesday to check on me and see how I was doing. It made my night and wrecked it all at the same time, but I didn't cry so I'm improving.

Once I get my furniture moved in and hopefully get my computer up and running I'll write more. Need to get to class.

Goodbye to You

2006-08-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Alabama for a few days saying my last good-byes and tying up a few loose ends. I won't be coming back for quiet some time once school starts. I find it kind of fitting that I came back when I did because I realized that Saturday was the one year anniversary of my first date with Tommy Lee. When I go back and read my blog entries from that time, it's pretty surreal. I never thought by accepting that dinner invitation that I would end up where I am now. And for all intents and purposes, where I am isn't too bad.

Before Tommy, I was scared to death of getting my heart broken, to the point of not dating at all. I'm still not sure what made me say yes to him because he wasn't anything like what I was looking for. I'm so glad that I listened to the voice in my head and said yes. For all the bad things that may have come about or however crappy the situation made me feel at times, I think all in all he was good for me. Believe it or not, he taught me a lot about myself. One of the most important things being, that I did get my heart broken and I'm still alive and kicking. I will live to love another day.

I know Tommy and I are at a point where we're friends again, but I can't help but feel like when I leave here tomorrow that I'm closing that chapter of my life. I'm not saying that when I leave I will stop missing him or thinking of him, because I won't. I think I will carry him with me always because he has meant so much to me, but things are never going to be the same. I still don't think he's completely forgiven me for leaving and maybe I can't quiet forgive him for not loving me enough to make me want to stay. As someone very wise once said, "it is what it is", and Tommy and I certainly can't be more than that.

I thought it was only fitting to include this photo of Tommy and me during happier days. This is my favorite picture of the two of us because it isn't staged, we aren't posing. We didn't even know anyone was taking our picture. I think it's a tender moment we're sharing that someone just happened to capture. And I'm so glad that they did.

Free Fallin'

2006-08-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

Today I've felt a mix of nerves and excitement. I can't say it's a pleasant sensation for me but I think it's one I'm going to have to get used to considering the turn my life is about to take. I'm starting to get a bit nervous and frankly a little scared about all the changes that are about to happen. I'm going back to school at the ripe old age of (almost) 30 to (hopefully) begin a new career as, well, I don't know yet.

I guess I'm starting to get a bit freaked out at this vast undertaking. I can't claim to be a big risk taker, cause I'm not, and I think this is possibly the biggest and most expensive risk I've ever taken. On the one hand, I think this is a good thing because I hope it will allow me to be truly happy in my career, but on the other I'm terrified that I'm making a huge mistake. I guess if you knew how things would turn out then they wouldn't be called risks, but like I said I'm not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I find comfort in security.

I'm not so much worried that I won't do well in school. I think I'm going to be a much better student this time around and I still managed to graduate from a very tough program the first time. I just think the enormity of this complete 360 is beginning to sink in. I'm leaving everything I know behind. I'm leaving security, companionship, comfort, a social life, even love (how ever fucked up it may be) to take a gamble on myself. I just hope in the end it turns out to be worth it, but I just keep reminding myself that ultimately I'm worth it.

The Will to Live

2006-08-08T22:56:00.000-05:00

Okay so things are pretty much progressing smoothly with the whole school thing. Orientation was good. I made a friend, found out some more information about my classes and got my schedule. I also got fitted for my "uniform" which was interesting. Needless to say I won't be winning any beauty contests in that outfit but I'm not going to culinary school to be beautiful. I got my first round of immunization shots (damn my arm is sore). I finally heard back from the financial aid people. The only thing that is giving me pause at this point is trying to find a place to live.

I'm too old to live in the dorms (not that I would want to anyway). I looked into an apartment complex reserved just for students but you have to live with 3 other people and share a common space, kitchen and bathroom. That would be fine if I was 23 but I'm not. I'm almost 30 and I have no desire to be Den-Mother to 3 overgrown teenagers. Apartments near the school are super expensive, but I also don't want to live too far away either, because between gas and parking I'll end up spending just as much. It's like a catch twenty-two. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. The cost of school is mostly covered by scholarships, grants and loans but it looks like I'm going to have to take out a private loan just to pay for some digs. I just hope I can nail something down soon that fits my criteria: close to school, reasonable rent, safe. That may be a tall order...

Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)

2006-08-03T10:10:00.000-05:00

Okay so my intense rambling of last night was a little unwarranted. I found out this morning that it's all going to be okay. I was so worried last night that I wasn't going to be able to start school in September that it just completely did me in. Things are still on track though, so the worrying was for naught. I just couldn't help it. I guess now I know just how much culinary school means to me. 'Cause when I didn't think it was going to happen, it literally felt like a small part of me was dying. I'm still not wholly convinced yet so when I'm there for orientation tomorrow I'm going to double and triple check to make sure.

I guess for the time being I can just go back to being upset over Tommy. Yes I know we don't even live in the same state and he still gets to me. His band was in town playing a show last Tuesday night. He had called and asked me to come the week before but I hadn't heard anything from him since. My roommate and I got there not long after they'd taken the stage. After the show we hung out waiting for the band to appear. Finally Tommy emerged and noticed me after a bit. He seemed really pleased that I'd come to see them. He immediately came over and didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.

In fact not long after he sat down with me, he wanted to know if he could stay at our house. I told him he could. My roommate left and so did the rest of Tommy's band. Then the two of us (at his insistence) got completely trashed and had to take a cab home. We stayed in bed the whole afternoon watching movies like the old days (well that and we had to wait for my other roommate to get off work and take us back to our cars).

After he left to go back to Alabama, I wasn't upset at all. I'd had so much fun with him, there was no drama and I'd gotten the one thing I'd wanted with Tommy; just one more night together with no bullshit. And no we didn't have sex. He kissed me at one point but that's nothing new. I kept that feeling for about two days after he left.

Then around Friday night the shit sank in. I started missing him like crazy and just feeling utterly alone. It is beyond me how you can live with two people and still feel completely alone, but it happens. It also didn't help that he kept calling me over the weekend either. I have a love/hate relationship with hearing from him. On the one hand he's my friend and I love that he calls me, but on the other when I'm wading through crap like that, it just makes me feel more alone and sad. I kept tearing up at random points through out the weekend and finally on Sunday, LBG put in Felicity and I just let it all out and really cried.

This whole business with school has certainly taken my mind off of Tommy the last day or so but I'm sure it will come back. I don't want to stop seeing or talking to him but I do want these crappy feelings that it brings about to go away. I know I'm nursing a bit of a broken heart but it needs to hurry up and heal faster. Maybe Charlotte will be far enough away for that to happen.

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

2006-08-03T02:56:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. Too much running through my head to sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I just can't.

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your little spirit just got the shit kicked out of it? Yesterday (technically since it's 4 a.m.) was one of those days. I like to think that I've handled all the crap life has thrown at me lately, fairly well, but something happened that is threatening to undo everything. I'm hoping things will work out in my favor, but at this point I don't know if that's possible. I know I have to pick myself up and move on, but right now I just don't have the strength to do anything more than huddled on the ground and cry.

I know I'm being extremely dramatic right now, but to me this is pretty fucking dramatic. In fact, right now this is my everything...

My Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)

2006-07-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

About three weeks went by and I never heard from Tommy. I cried everyday of the first week I was in Atlanta and I missed him terribly. I was so upset because of the way things were left between the two of us. I thought of him at least once every day. I finally went back to Alabama to get some more of my stuff and decided not to give him any advance warning. CAT knew I was coming but I told her to keep it under wraps. I showed up at "the bar" on a night I knew he'd be working.

He was polite when I came in and asked how I was. He wasn't rude but he was treating me like someone he barely knew. I was there to have fun with CAT and yet I couldn't completely enjoy myself because Tommy was acting so oddly towards me. It just made my heart ache even worse than it already did.

Before I left that night I did give him the photo album I'd made for him and he thanked me. He even gave me a hug. Things still didn't feel right though. I spent the rest of the night (after CAT went home) talking to the drummer in his band about every thing that was going on with Tommy. This is why I love the Drummer Boy so much. He patiently listened to me and comforted me all night. He told me that Tommy really did love me and he was being a dick because he was upset that I left. Drummer Boy also told me that even though it was obvious that we loved each other very much, we could never be together. Yeah tell me something I don't know.

I eventually went home. Before leaving "the bar", I hugged Tommy bye and told him that maybe the next time I was in town he could act like he actually knew me.

The next day I was still in Alabama when CAT got off work. I met her at "the bar". We were hanging out for a while and eventually Tommy came in. He spoke when he came in but sat down at the other end of the bar. After what seemed like an eternity, Tommy finally decided to come sit down beside me. We sat there for a while making idle chit-chat when he finally brought up the day I left. He informed me that I never called him to let him know when I needed him to help me move.

So thus began our heart to heart talk sitting at "the bar". We were finally just honest with each other. He did ignore my phone call the day I moved because he was pissed at me. He found out about the Young Republican literally before I'd even made it back to "the bar" that night. How he found out so quickly I'll never know. I had to counter with the fact that he and I had been hanging out together plenty of times and he'd leave with some girl and go do God knows what with her and then come back in the bar and end up going home with me later. I pointed out that I never got upset (okay I never let him know I was upset) about it and never said a word about it. His excuse was that everyone expected him to be a dick and do things like that but he didn't expect it of me. Yes I called bullshit on that. If he can do it so can I.

Anyway he admitted that he was being a dick because he was upset that I was leaving. I told him that the only reason I slept the Young Republican the night before I moved was because I was hurt that he was being a dick. Then we both told each other how much we had missed the other and that we'd both acted like asses because we were both hurt. Imagine that, the truth actually made everything better. After our big old chat fest everything felt much better. Things felt as normal as they could considering the situation now. I left to come back to Atlanta still missing him but not nearly so miserable about it. Things were right in the world of Carlotta and Tommy once again. Now he calls me every week or so just to see how I am and I like that we can still be friends.

On to the best part of me moving to Atlanta. I finally found my direction. On a whim I contacted a culinary school here in town and went to an open house that they hosted. I had a great time and got really excited about the thought of pursuing that dream. I did some checking into some other culinary schools in the southeast. After visiting another school, I decided that it just felt right and that I should go for it. So I applied to the school and Monday I got my acceptance letter! I'm off to Charlotte in roughly a month to start culinary school. I literally can't wait. I honestly can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. This just feels like what I'm supposed to be doing.